Redwall & the Haunted Mansion
by Kelaiah
Summary: Veil & Klitch wrestle in a mud puddle! Slagar is voiced by Tim Curry! Triss & Kurda are friends! Sunflash has long blonde hair! Gelltor gets on a sugar high and goes Indiana Jones style! Badrang's hotter than Martin! AND NOW SONG HAS A MARYSUE TWINSISTER!
1. Except Sunflash

1**Chapter 1: Except Sunflash**

"Okay, now," said the author of this story. "This is a non-serious fanfiction story that's SUPPOSED to be a bunch of random stuff and nonsense, because it's all just for laughs. It's where Redwall characters are parodying the Abbot/Costello movie, 'Hold That Ghost.' I just love that movie! IT IS SOOOOOO FUNNY! Oh yes, and let me say that I do not own that movie or its plotline. So, is that good enough for you, Sunflash?"

"Eh, well, I've got a few questions," said Sunflash the Mace as he drove his limo through the forest. "How is it that I am driving a limo when there are no cars in Mossflower?"

"This is not a serious fic, Sunflash," the author reminded him. "Anything can happen."

"_Anything_ can happen?!" cried Sunflash.

_"Anything,"_ confirmed the author.

"Okayyy," said Sunflash, who was now beginning to feel very worried (and the story hadn't even begun!). "Why am I driving a limo?"

"It's more comfortable for your passengers."

"Passengers?"

"Yes, you can ask about them later. Okay?"

"Are there going to be any more modern devices around in the future?"

"Yes."

"Oh, okay."

"Now, any more questions?"

"Yeah, who are you?"

"Oh, I am just some American teenager messing with some great British book. Which reminds me, I DO NOT own Redwall, or it's characters; they belong to Brian Jacques, the greatest author of ALL time! He likes my drawings! Heeheehee!"

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay."

"Yes, well, ahem. So, any more questions?"

"Yes. Where am I driving?"

"To Pinewood Manor," answered Veil Sixclaw the Outcast, who was in the passenger seat of the limo.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" asked Sunflash.

"This is NOT a serious story, Sunflash!" reminded the author.

"Oh, right," said Sunflash. "So. Pinewood Manor. Right. Where is that?"

"It's in the deepest, darkest part of the forest. It's rumored to be haunted," answered Veil.

"Why are we going if it's haunted?" asked Sunflash.

"Because I inherited it."

"Why did you inherit it?"

"I don't know. The author of this story never _told _me," Veil answered, glaring at the author.

"Eh," said the author, shrugging.

_"Okay,"_ said Sunflash. "So why do you want to go there?"

"It's been rumored that there's buried treasure there."

"Oh, okay. So you want to find the treasure."

"Yes. Good," said Veil. "Any other questions?"

"Why am_ I_ here?"

"Because the author wanted you in this story," said Veil.

"Oh, how flattering," said Sunflash, who actually more troubled than flattered.

"Yeah, so, any more questions?" asked Veil.

"Yeah, why is Klitch here?" asked Sunflash.

"HE IS?" cried Veil. He turned around in his seat and saw the young weasel. He crawled over his seat and gave Klitch a great big hug. "Oh, I'm SO glad you're here! Finally, another young vermin! It's been nothing but woodlanders and older vermin for, like, _forever!_ We can_ do_ things together! We can hang out! We can read sport magazines! _We can paint nails!"_

After Veil was done scaring the living daylights out of Klitch, he got back in the passenger seat.

"There," he said.

"I guess that answers the question," said Sunflash.

"Yes, it should. Now, Sunflash, have you got anymore questions?"

"Yes. Why are Swartt and Ferahgo here?"

"Because our dads think we need them to guide us in our treasure hunt."

"As if!" scoffed Klitch.

"You do, you wet-behind-the-ears-pup!" snarled Ferahgo.

"Do not, you gray-furred, old, aging, bug-toothed mummy!" shot back Klitch.

"Do too, you, you . . you snotty-nosed, baby blue-eyed baby!"

"Do not, fat old geezer!"

"Do too, skinny little girlie whelp!"

_"Girlie??!"_ screamed Klitch, his face turning red. "Who're you calling girlie?!"

"Oh, c'mon," teased Ferahgo. "Look at those sissy, scrawny arms and those pussy shoulders! I can't count the number of times people have mistaken you for a girl. Especially since you insist on wearing those stupid bracelets! I mean, _come on."_

"At least _I_ don't wear nothing but a stupid little skirt made of skins!"

"IT'S A _KILT!_ HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THIS?!"

The weasels turned away from each other in a huff and crossed their arms and pouted their lips. Then they glanced self-consciously at their girlish clothes.

"And people wonder why I don't get involved with _my_ son," muttered Swartt.

In the silence that followed, Sunflash asked Veil, "So! Um, why are Bluefen and Bryony here?"

"Well," said Veil. "Bryony is here to keep an eye on me, and my mom is here because she doesn't think we've been spending enough quality time together."

"Why is Nightshade here?"

"Because Swartt is here."

"Okay, I think I'm beginning to understand, but why is Martin the Warrior here?"

"Because a Redwall story wouldn't be a Redwall story without Martin the Warrior."

"Why is Gonff here?"

"Because Martin is funny when Gonff is around."

"What, do you mean that I'm not funny in general?" demanded Martin.

"'Course you aren't, matey," said Gonff in a comforting voice, patting him on the back. "But you can't afford to be funny; otherwise you wouldn't have so many fangirls."

"Why is Laterose here?" asked Sunflash.

"Because everyone loves it when Martin and Rose are together," said Veil.

"What's this about _fangirls?"_ said Rose, suspiciously eyeing Martin.

Martin gave Gonff a 'thanks a lot' look before turning to Rose with a reassuring smile.

"Why is Matthias here?" asked Sunflash.

"Because wherever Martin is, Matthias is," answered Veil.

"Why is Cornflower here?"

"Because she's Matthias's wife."

"Why is Mattemeo here?"

"Because he's an annoying little tag-a-long!" snapped Veil, turning in his seat to glare at Mattemeo.

"Hey!" protested Mattemeo.

"Why do people always write the two of you fighting?" asked Sunflash.

"What?"

"You and Matti. Why do people always make it so that you two can't stand each other?"

"Because he's an annoying vermin!" spat Mattemeo.

"HEY SHUT UP, CLICHE!" roared Veil.

"WHO YOU CALLIN' _CLICHE_, MR. MYSTERY-VERMIN-KID-WHO-NO-ONE-KNOWS-IF-HE-TURNED-GOOD-IN-THE-END?!"

"I always thought Veil turned good in the end," commented the author.

"Shut up," said Veil and Matti together, as though rehearsed.

"But you're writing this!" protested Mattemeo. "How can we have rehearsed this?"

"Shut up and keep on asking questions, Sunflash."

"Why is Mariel here?" asked Sunflash.

"Because she didn't want to be left out," answered Veil, turning around and ignoring Mattemeo.

"Yeah! It's been getting boring around Redwall," said Mariel.

"Why is Dandin here?" asked Sunflash.

"Because Mariel is funny when Dandin is around."

"Hey! Are you saying that I'm not funny in general, like _Martin?"_ demanded Mariel, swinging her Gullwhacker dangerously.

Dandin eyed Mariel suspiciously. "You don't have any fan_boys_, do you?"

Mariel looked at him. "Why are you asking? You're acting as if we were dating! Sheesh!" Then she turned away and refused to look at him.

Dandin stared at her if she had slapped him. "B-b-but," he stammered. "I-I thought that, that we were . . ."

Gonff reached over and took Dandin's paw. "There now, grandson, just leave 'er alone for awhile. She'll come around and start talking after a few hours. It's the same with Columbine."

"Why are Triss and Deyna here?" asked Sunflash, who decided that he didn't want to go through any soap opera romance thing.

"Because the author thought the woodlanders had too many mice and needed some variety in their species," Veil explained.

"Then why don't we have any hedgehogs, moles, and hares?"

"Because the author doesn't have any favorite hedgehogs."

"Not that I don't like hedgehogs!" the author quickly explained. "I just don't have any favorite characters that are hedgehogs, is all!"

"Okayyy," said Sunflash. "But what about the moles and hares?"

"The author can't do mole speech," answered Veil.

"Okay, but what about the hares? Can he not do their speech as well?"

"Well, no, actually, he can't, but that's not the reason."

"Well, then, what is the reason?!"

"We hardly have any food right now and we don't need any gluttonous hares scoffing it all down!"

"Oh . . . okay."

"There. Any more questions?"

"Yes. Why is Cluny the Scrouge here?"

"Because Matthias is here."

"Yeah! To get my revenge! Heeheehee! Drop a bell on me, will ya? I'll get my revenge! Heeheehee!" giggled Cluny. He had never really recovered after the Joseph Bell bonked him on the head. Everyone sitting near him scooted away.

"Okaaaay," said Sunflash. He was_ really_ starting to get worried. "So, why is Slagar the Cruel here?"

"Because Mattemeo is here."

"You're not here for revenge, are you?" Mattemeo asked nervously.

The masked-fox looked at him. "What do you think?"

Mattemeo glupped.

"Why is Badrang the Tyrant here?" asked Sunflash.

"Because Martin is here," answered Veil.

"Cluny and Slagar are here for revenge on the mice who defeated them?" asked Badrang. "Wow. Why didn't I think of that? I just came along for the ride! Cool!"

"You just came along for the ride?" asked Veil. "Oh, whoops, I'm sorry."

"Why is Kurda here?" asked Sunflash.

"Because Triss is here," answered Veil.

"Yeah! To get my revenge! Like Cluny the Loony and the foxy over there!" hissed Kurda.

"Hey!" protested Cluny and Slagar.

"Why is Kurda talking without her accent?" asked Sunflash.

"Because the author can't do her accent," said Veil.

"But, then why get her at all?"

"Because the author thought that that would make the plot more rich, since Triss is here."

"Oh, okay."

"Any more questions?"

"Why is Ublaz Mad Eyes here?"

"Because . . . wait, Ublaz Mad Eyes isn't here!"

Sunflash looked in the rear-view mirror. "Yeah he is."

Veil turned around in his seat and saw that the mad-eyed pine marten really was there. "Where'd you come from?!"

Ublaz took a deep breath, as though he were about to go into a whole big speech about how he brilliantly snuck into the limo without anyone noticing him, and then said, "I don't know."

Everybeast in the limo stared at him, except for Sunflash, who was still driving.

"Mr. Author, sir," said Veil. "Why is Ublaz Mad Eyes here?"

"Because he's, like, my favorite bad guy!" gushed the author.

"REALLY?" cried Ublaz, flattered. "Is it because of my great, mesmerizing, hypnotic powers that I am?"

The author rolled his eyes. "No, it's because I think you're cute. Well, of course it's because of your hypnotic powers, ya idiot!"

Ublaz rolled his own eyes. "Oh, come on, Mr. Author. You can be honest. I know that I'm gorgeous."

Everybeast except Sunflash (who was, after all, still driving) stared at him.

"Well I am!" Ublaz snapped. He humped and nestled himself further into his seat, pulling his silken robes closer to his perfectly muscular body huffily.

For awhile there was silence. Then Veil turned to Sunflash.

"Did all your questions get answered?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

Silence. Then:

"Well actually, I do have some more questions. How do you know what the author is thinking?"

The author spoke up for Veil. "Because I have the power to make you guys know things and not know things. I HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER YOU GUYS! BWA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHHH!!!! . . . too bad it's only in writing, and not in real life I can have complete control. Sigh. . . ."

For a more while there was silence. Then Mariel piped up.

"So how long is this drive going to be?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the author. "Maybe a couple hours."

_"A couple hours!?"_

The whole limo groaned.

"What are we supposed to do all that time?!" Matthias demanded.

"I don't know. Mingle?" said the author.

Silence. Dead silence.

Finally Veil turned around in his seat and said, "Hey Deyna, have you ever been mistaken for a _vermin?"_

Deyna crossed his arms and legs and looked at the ferret with narrowed eyes and a slightly open mouth. Then he said in a low, even voice, "No." He raised his eyebrows. "Have you?"

A moment of silence. Then Veil turned around and pressed a big red button.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Deyna as his seat suddenly bounced him up through a hole in the limo's roof.

Everybeast except Sunflash stared at where the otter had once been.

"HA!" said Veil. "That's how you get rid of 'em."

"Wait," said Triss. "I thought Deyna was here to help me bring a little variety to the woodlanders!"

Just then Deyna bounded back in through an open window. Why that window was open in the first place, I can't imagine.

"Hey wait a minute," said Ferhago. "How was the otter able to get back into the car? It was moving!"

"It's a secret," said Deyna smugly.

Once again silence ensued.

Kurda leaned forward and took Bluefen's paw, smiling. "It's so nice having another female ferret around. Hi, I'm Kurda, part-time princess, part-time warlord, part-time warrior, and part-time pirate. What are you?"

Bluefen smiled. "I'm a home-maker."

Kurda's pink eyes glazed over. "Oh." Then she sat back and looked away.

Bluefen's blue eyes widened, then narrowed.

Cornflower extended her paw over to Bluefen. "Hi, I don't believe we've met."

"No, we haven't," said Bluefen, shaking paws with her.

"Actually, I'm a home-maker, too," said Cornflower.

"Really? Oh, that's great!"

"I know, it's so nice being able to be at home and spend time with your child."

"Yes, it is," said Bluefen as she reached out and stroked the back of her son's head. Veil turned and smiled at her.

"I love you, mommy," he said.

"I love you, too, honey," Bluefen replied as she began to snuggle his head with her nose.

Cornflower frowned at her own son. "Now how come you don't act more like Veil?"

Mattemeo stared at his mother. "You want me to be more like Veil Sixclaw?"

Cornflower scowled. "I don't mean be as bad as he was. Wait, you WERE just as bad as he was! You never showed any thankfulness towards me!"

"Veil never showed any thankfulness towards me," pointed out Bryony. "But he ended up giving his life for me."

"Yeah, and YOU went and said that he was bad all along!" snapped Bluefen. "How could you, after he ended his life so you could carry on and be the ruler of Redwall?"

"I only said that because it just seemed easier."

"How was it easier?" demanded Bluefen.

"Well, if I went with my original belief that Veil was good, then I would have to face the pain that my baby had died to save me, and that other creatures that I loved were partly responsible. After all, the Redwallers _did _throw him out. They were always saying that Veil was bad, but now that he had proved them wrong, they couldn't apologize to him for being so mean to him. I just wouldn't be able to live on at Redwall, but I couldn't live anywhere else. So that is why it seemed easier to say that Veil was bad all along."

"Ohhh, Bry, c'mere," said Veil, holding his arms out to her.

Bryony went over and the two hugged. Then Bluefen, not wanting to be left out, hugged them.

Swartt scowled and muttered, "Momma's boy."

Veil turned in his father's direction. "What was that?"

Swartt sat up and said loudly, "MOMMA'S BOYYYYYY!!!!"

"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN, DEADPAW!!!"

Veil leapt upon Swartt and the two started rolling around on the floor. Deyna, Martin, Gonff, and Dandin separated them.

"HEY!" shouted Martin indignantly to the author. "You put Deyna's name before mine! MY name ALWAYS comes FIRST!"

"Not this time it didn't," said the author.

"Grrr!" said Martin.

"Now, now, Martin," said Rose soothingly, patting his back. "Calm down, don't go ripping the author to shreds now. Come on, come on, sit down, good Martin."

Martin sat down and leaned his head on Rose's shoulder with a silly, content smile on his heroically handsome face.

Silence.

Then Bluefen turned to Cornflower.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said apologetically. "Swartt and Veil can be so silly sometimes, you know?"

"Oh, don't be sorry," reassured Cornflower. "Matthias and Mattemeo can be _twice_ as idiotic as them."

Bluefen laughed. "Oh, Swartt and Veil can be _five_ times as idiotic as them."

Cornflower laughed, though not so nicely as Bluefen. "Well, Matthias and Mattemeo can be _ten_ times as idiotic."

Bluefen smiled, in a sneering sort of way. "Swartt and Veil can be _twenty_ times."

Cornflower narrowed her eyes. "Matthias and Mattemeo can be _fifty_ times."

Bluefen frowned. "Swartt and Veil can be a hundred times."

"Two-hundred times."

"Five-hundred times."

"A thousand."

"A MILLION."

"A BILLION!"

_"INFINITY!"_

"OH! Well," huffed Cornflower, glaring daggers at Bluefen, who shot a few daggers of her own back.

Soon the both of them were growling and making cat sounds. Their eyes twitched and their heads cocked to the side. Everybeast (except Sunflash, who was STILL driving) looked nervously at the two home-makers beginning to lift their claws.

Suddenly the two lashed out at each other, shrieking, hissing and scratching. Matthias jumped in and parted the two.

"Ahh, why'd you separate 'em?" whined Swartt.

"Cuz your's almost broke mine," said Matthias as he dragged his struggling, snarling wife back to her seat.

"Lemme atter! _Lemme atter!" _Cornflower growled as she was dragged back to her seat, her blue eyes glaring some more daggers at the blue-eyed ferretmaid who sat triumphantly next to her barbaric husband.

"Hey!" protested Swartt.

Cluny reached out and patted Cornflower's paw. "That's why you should've married me. I would've let you finish her off!"

_"Whaw!"_ cried Cornflower, fanning the air in front of her. "Man, don't you ever brush your teeth!?"

"I did like a year ago," said Cluny, scratching his head, sending a whole bunch of white dandruff flying through the air.

Matthias put a protective arm around his wife. "Hey, look rat, she chose me. ME! It's too late for you!" He picked up her paw. "Ya see this ring? It means she belongs to me! She's MY property! Me!"

"Man," said Gonff. "I wish _my_ wife was here."

"Well, I don't," said Ferahgo. "We have enough mousemaids around here, I think. Huh, mousemaids and their fluffy cuteness!"

"Hey, not all mousemaids are the same, you know," objected Mariel. "Some are like me: strong, tough, valiant warriors!"

"You're a girl?" whispered Ferahgo in a shocked voice.

Silence. Dead silence.

Then everybeast, except Mariel (who was fuming), Ferahgo (who was still shocked by his discovery), Sunflash (who was STILL driving), and Klitch, laughed.

Ferahgo turned to his son. "Hey, how come_ you're_ not laughing?"

"Well, I can't really find it in myself to blame you," admitted Klitch. "It seemed like an easy mistake to make. I mean, Mariel _is_ kinda butch."

Silence.

Then everybeast, except Mariel (who was now trying to break Klitch's head), Klitch (who was trying to escape Mariel's wrath), Ferahgo (who was trying to shield his son), and Sunflash (who was STILL driving), laughed.

In the silence that followed, Nightshade began to toss shells up in the air and catch them. Soon everybeast (except Sunflash--

"WE KNOW!" shouted Mariel, who was still angry from earlier.

"Okay, okay," said the author.

Soon everybeast was watching the vixen seer at work. It got really boring and repetitive after awhile, which caused Mariel to scream:

"WILL YOU STOP WITH ALL THAT TOSSING?! IT'S GETTING REALLY BORING AND REPETITIVE!"

"LOOK," said Nightshade, beginning to lose her cool. "That is my job as a seer; it is _stupid,_ I know, but I am going to do it, and _no mousemaid in a crabby mood is going to make me stop!"_

"We'll see about that!" Mariel snarled, swinging her Gullwhacker.

"Don't bite off more than you can chew, mousy," growled Nightshade, gripping her staff.

_"Yaaaaaaa!"_ screamed Mariel, leaping upon the vixen.

_"Yaaaaaaa!"_ screamed Nightshade, leaping upon the mousemaid.

Dandin, Swartt, Veil, Ferahgo, Deyna, Martin, Slagar, and Gonff split them apart.

Silence followed.

Sunflash turned on some music. Everybeast began to relax and just sat and listened to the song.

But everybeast got tense again when Sunflash began to play the song over and over again.

_"Sun-flaaaaaaaaasssssssshhhhhhhh,"_ moaned Veil from the passenger seat. "We've been listening to this stupid song all morning. Put something else on."

"Now, Veil," said Sunflash. "When _I'm_ driving, we listen to what_ I_ want. When _you're_ driving, we listen to what _you_ want."

Next thing he knew, Sunflash was sitting in the passenger seat and Veil was driving!

Everybeast (except Sunflash) breathed a sigh of relief as Veil put on a new song. And when that song was finished, he put in a new song. Then a new song. Then another. And another.

All of them were songs that everybeast (except Sunflash) liked.

Finally Sunflash said, "I don't like this. Let's switch back."

So the poor creatures in the back found themselves being tortured by Sunflash's horrible song.

"Mr. Author, do something!" whined Veil.

Sunflash's song disappeared into oblivion.

Everybeast cheered.

"Except Sunflash," said everybeast.

Silence.

"Are we there yet?" Mattemeo asked.

Nobeast answered.

"Are we there yet?"asked Gonff.

Nobeast answered.

"Are we there yet?" asked Slagar.

Nobeast answered.

"Are we there yet?" asked Dandin.

Nobeast answered.

So Slagar, Mattemeo, Dandin, and Gonff began repeating themselves. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we--"

"NO!!!" everybeast shouted.

Slagar rubbed a paw in his ear. "Okay, okay, sheesh, you don't have to yell."

**_BOOM!!_**

"I said you don't have to yell!" yelled Slagar.

"That was lightning, you idiot," said Matthias.

**_BOOM!!_**

_**SHRIEK!!!**_

Kurda locked her arms around Triss's neck, screaming her cowardly head off.

The poor squirrelmaid tried to throw the Pure ferret off, but the lily-white princess wouldn't let go. Unknowingly she was strangling poor Triss to death.

"Whoa," said Cluny, completely awed.

"What?" asked Slagar.

"Don't you see?" cried Cluny. "Kurda came along to get her revenge on Triss, and she's actually succeeding in it, only she's not doing it on _purpose!!"_

_"Hey!"_ said Swartt, who had clearly come up with a bright idea, as a lightbulb had appeared above his head. Waving it aside, he said, "Why don't we do the same thing?"

**_BOOM!!_**

_**SHRIEK!!!**_

Swartt, taking his chance, locked his arms around Sunflash's neck, screaming his head off like there was no tomorrow.

"AAACK!" cried Sunflash as he tried to pry the ferret warlord off of him. "S-s-s- swwwaaartt!!!" he choked out.

Swartt was actually succeeding in his plans! (For once.)

_"Swartt!"_ gasped Sunflash._ "I have to drive the limo!"_

"I got it," said Veil in a bored voice as he adjusted himself so that he was sitting in Sunflash's lap and in control of the steering wheel.

**_BOOM!!_**

_**SHRIEK!!! SHRIEK!!! SHRIEK!!!**_

Cluny had locked his arms around Matthias's neck, while Slagar had locked _his_ arms around _Mattemeo's_ neck. Badrang did the same with Martin. All three mice began gasping and gurgling as they tried to pry off their scared-acting-tormentors.

Well, for awhile there was mass chaos.

Outside the limo, there was a raging storm going on. Thunder and lighting. Buckets of freezing rain. Mighty gusts of wind.

_In_side the limo, there was another raging storm going on.

Kurda was still screaming her head off, and the fact Mariel was whacking her in the head with her Gullwhacker wasn't exactly helping.

Dandin was trying to coax Mariel into stopping her attack on Kurda, only to be whacked in the head as well.

Triss was about to pass out from lack of air.

Cornflower had produced two frying pans out of nowhere and was bonking both Cluny and Slagar on their heads.

Matthias had actually freed himself from Cluny's grasp (even though the rat was supposed to be a lot stronger but I'm the author of this stupid story so I can do just as I please) and was mercilessly strangling him, threatening to rid the rat of his other eye by squeezing it out.

Mattemeo, however, was still being held by Slagar, and looked as though all that was in his body was going into his head, making his head expand about three sizes, and his eyes looked as if they were balloons.

Martin was also still being strangled by Badrang, but he had started strangling the stoat back. Rose was trying to pull Martin off of Badrang while Gonff was biting Badrang's tail.

Ferahgo and Klitch were both screaming at the author for not having Urthstripe here so that they could try the fake-scared thing on him.

Deyna was hiding under his car seat (which I think was a very smart thing to do).

Bluefen, Bryony, and Nightshade were trying to help get Swartt off of Sunflash, whose eyes were bulging out of their sockets.

Only two creatures were seemingly unaware of the limo's hurricanes: Veil Sixclaw, who was still sitting in Sunflash's lap, peacefully driving the limo, and Ublaz Mad Eyes, who was looking into a pink hand mirror, anxiously smoothing his creamy golden-yellow neckfur, his rich chestnut brown fur, curling his perfumed whiskers, whitening his sharp teeth. . . .

"SHUT UP!!!" shouted Mariel.

"Okay, okay. . . ." said the author.

_Arooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo._

Everybeast stopped what they were doing and looked in the direction the howling came from (even Veil, though he was driving).

_"He did?"_ cried everybeast (even Sunflash, except Veil).

"Wow, that's a first," said everybeast (even Sunflash, except--

_"We know!"_

"Okay, okay."

Suddenly the limo stopped.

"There it is," said Veil.

Everybeast looked through the limo's windows.

And there it was.

Pinewood Manor.

It indeed looked every inch a haunted house.

"It's a _mansion,_ you idiot!" snapped Veil. "And a mansion with hidden treasure!"

_"There's treasure in there?!"_ cried Gonff happily.

Veil turned around and stared at him. "Weren't you paying attention to the beginning of this story?"

"Obviously not."

"Actually," said Martin. "We technically weren't in the beginning because the author hadn't thought to include us in yet, so no, we weren't here when you explained about the treasure, Veil."

Silence. Everyone was staring at Martin, who made so blunt a statement.

"Blunt?" asked Martin.

"Usually you talk in riddles," said the author.

"THAT'S ONLY WHEN I'M A GHOST!"

"Ok, ok, shut up."

And so, without further ado, everybeast got of the limo and headed up the muddy walkway to the spooky old mansion.

They had no idea what they were getting themselves into. . . .

"Yeah, we do," said Mariel.

"How do_ you_ know?" challenged the author.

"Well, after all that happened on the way here, I'm guessing that we are going to discover that we can't stand each other's company for more than three seconds."

Silence.

"Um, Mr. Author?"

"SHUT UP AND UNLOCK THE DOOR, KLITCH!!"

"Why are you yelling at me?" cried Klitch. "I didn't say anything!"

"I DON'T CARE! JUST UNLOCK THE DOOR! AND, IN THE MEANTIME, THERE IS GOING TO BE A CHAPTER BREAK!!"

"Oh, how exciting," said Mariel sarcastically.

"SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE NEXT CHAPTER BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT, MARIEL! REMEMBER THAT, EVERYBEAST! THAT WAY YOU'LL NOW WHO TO BLAME WHEN IT HAPPENS! _BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" _Then he started coughing.


	2. Something Bad that Happens

1**Chapter 2: Something Bad That Happens**

"I can't get the keys to work," frowned Klitch.

"Is that the bad thing that supposed to happen because of me?" asked Mariel.

"Oh no," said the author. "It's going to be something much, much worse."

"Grrr! I _still_ can't get the keys to work!" cried Klitch.

"Oh, here, give me the keys, you wet-behind-the-ears-pup," scowled Ferahgo, elbowing his son out of the way. "Let me show you how it's done."

Ferahgo put the keys in the keyhole and made an even bigger fool of himself.

"Hmmm," said Klitch. "I think I prefer NOT making a fool out of myself."

"Shut up, shrimp!" snapped Ferahgo.

Gonff leapt forward and bowed gallantly to Ferahgo. "Here, your Mighty Assassin, sir, let the Prince of Mousethieves open that door for ya!"

The mousethief knelt next to the keyhole, brought out a whole bunch of tools (seemingly too many for him to be able to carry around in his pockets), and went to work.

"Uh, guys?" said Gonff after awhile.

"What?" asked Martin.

"I can't open the door."

_"What?!"_

"Well, you certainly were a lot of help!" scoffed Rose.

"HEY!" said Bryony, coming to the defense of her great (I wonder if he was really her great-grandfather, y'know Abbess Meriam referred to him as Bryony's "great grandsire," so he could have been her grandfather, and Meriam was saying that he was "great") grandpa, pushing Rose on the shoulder.

"Don't push me!" Rose snarled, pushing back.

"I'll push you anyway I like!" snapped Bryony, pushing back.

Both mousemaids went for each other's throats and were soon wrestling in the mud. Martin, Gonff, Dandin, and Veil separated them.

_"Man,"_ said Martin and he heaved up his love. "What is with you girls lately?"

"I don't know, but I like it!" said Gonff, grinning.

"Now, now, let's not quarrel," said Deyna, standing forward. "There's always the direct approach to open a door."

The otter tensed himself to ram the door. He rubbed his feet and rudder on the porch, pumped his arms, and took deep breaths. All males cocked an eyebrow at him. All females cocked their eyebrows too, but for _different_ reasons (but _of course _it had nothing to do with the fact that he was really handsome in the face and really muscular in the body and was only wearing a skimpy kilt).

"Yes it does–" objected Triss.

"Shut up."

Martin turned to Gonff. "This is so strange. You can unlock _any_ lock! How can you not get this one? It's so peculiar!"

"Hey, was that the bad thing that was supposed to happen?" asked Mariel. "That Gonff loses his touch?"

"Hey!" objected Gonff.

"Oh no," said the author. "It's going to be much, much worse."

Deyna continued tensing himself to run, and then--

--ran straight through the open doorway.

Deyna went crashing into the shadows and everybeast outside heard an ominous crack.

Gonff started to laugh. Everybeast turned and stared at him.

_"Da, ha ha ha!_ I actually _had_ unlocked the door! _Ah, ha ha ha! _I got you! I got you all! _Hahahahaha!"_

Gonff went on laughing for a few more minutes with everybeast staring at him.

"Okay, Gonff," said the author. "Time to stop laughing."

"Hmm," said Mariel. "I'm guessing_ that_ was the bad thing that was supposed to happen?"

"Oh no," said the author. "It's going to be much, much worse. Now everybeast, run into the house and rescue Deyna, okay?"

"Okay," said everybeast. They all took a deep breath.

_"Deeeeeeeeyyyyyyyynnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaa!"_ they all yelled as they all ran inside, waving their flashlights around wildly.

"Hey wait a minute!" said Matthias. "Where did these flashlights come from?"

"Where did I get those frying pans that I was hitting Slagar and Cluny with?" Cornflower asked him.

"Er--"

"That's right," said Cornflower in a tone that said that settled the matter.

And so they continued to search for their poor otter friend. All they could see were scattered pieces of furniture and a curved staircase, all of them musty and dusty.

Finally they came upon the otter . . . covered in--

"Cobwebs!" squeaked Kurda.

"It ain't a wedding veil," scowled Deyna as he ripped it off.

Veil drew himself up indignantly. "Of course this isn't a wedding! I never said anything of the sort!"

Swartt and Bluefen stared at their son before turning to Bryony. "That's the last time you're naming any of our kids!"

"I didn't name him, Bella did!" protested Bryony.

"There, you see!" cried Swartt triumphantly. "It goes to show you; you can't let badgers name your kids for you!"

"Watch how you talk about my mom, ferret," growled Sunflash, rubbing his mace.

"Wouldn't that hurt?" asked Swartt.

"What?" said Sunflash, confused.

"No, I'm talking to the author."

"About what?" inquired the author.

"About Sunflash rubbing his mace. I mean wouldn't that hurt?"

"Oh, uh, well, I guess it would," admitted the author.

"HA! I'm right again!"

**_"AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!"_** screamed someone (or somebeast) from outside.

Our heroes (if you want to call them that) hurried back to the front porch. There, outside in the rain, were. . . .

Silence.

"Uh, Mr. Author?"

"HUH?! Wha--oh, sorry, I fell asleep."

"You fell _asleep?"_ cried Mariel.

"Well yeah," said the author in a "so what" tone.

Mariel scowled.

"So, uh, who are the creatures out in the rain?" asked Veil.

"Us, you idiot!" snapped Mokkan.

Out of the rain and onto the porch came the Marlfox siblings. They were all there. All seven of them. There was not one missing. Not one. They were all present and accounted for. Each and everyone of them. They were all--

"OKAY!!" roared everybeast.

"Okay, okay," said the author.

So, they were all there. Mokkan, Gelltor, Predak, Ascord, Vannan, Ziral, and, the beautiful Lantur.

"Awwww," said Lantur.

"Hey!" objected Predak, Vannan, and Ziral.

"Don't worry, girls," said the author. "You're pretty too."

"We better be," grumbled Vannan.

"What about us?" demanded Ascord on behalf of himself and his brothers.

"Oh yeah, you guys are pretty too," said the author.

"WE ARE NOT PRETTY!" roared Gelltor. "WE ARE MARLFOXES! WE ARE CRUEL, BLOODTHIRSTY, HORRIBLE--"

Gelltor suddenly found himself wearing an outfit that looked like Genie's from that old TV show, "I Dream of Genie."

Gelltor looked as if he were about to die.

Mokkan began to laugh his head off at his brother's unfortunate dilemma. "DAH, HAHA, AH HA, AHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Suddenly he was wearing a pink frilly dress. Mokkan, who hadn't yet realized he was wearing a frilly pink dress, continued to laugh. However, he began to stop when he realized that everybeast else, even Gelltor, was roaring and shrieking with laughter, and they were all looking at him.

The Marlfox looked slowly down.

"HEY!" protested Mokkan.

"Thanks!" said Gelltor to the author.

"Your welcome," said the author.

"Hey wait a minute," said Mariel.

Everybeast looked at her.

"The author said that something bad was gonna happen because of me. Are the Marlfoxes the bad thing?"

"Hey!" protested the Marlfoxes.

"Oh, no," said the author. "It's something much, much worse."

"Why are the Marlfoxes here in the first place, then?" asked Triss.

"Eh," said the author, shrugging.

"How come Song and Dann aren't here?" asked Triss.

"Why? Do you _want_ them to be here?"

"It'd bring more variety to the woodlanders."

"Hey!" objected the mice.

"Shut up," said the author. "Okay okay."

Song and Dann appeared out of nowhere.

_"WHAT?!"_ screamed Dann. "I DON'T BELIEVE IT! THE MARLFOXES ARE _DEAD! _HOW CAN THEY BE ALIVE?!"

Everybeast stared at him.

"Wouldn't you like to know, Dannflower," said Veil sarcastically.

**_"_DON'T CALL ME_ DANNFLOWER!!!!!!!!!!!!"_**

And with that, the irate squirrel flew at the ferret, only to be blocked by a small brick wall that appeared out of nowhere.

"Owww," moaned Dann.

Song shook her head. "And people actually think that I could be in love with him."

Mariel pointed at Dann. "Was that the bad thing that was supposed to happen?"

"No," said the author. "It's going to be much, much worse."

**_GLOP!_**

Everybeast turned to look at where the limo was. It was rapidly sinking into the mud.

_"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" _cried everybeast.

"BWA, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA!" laughed the author before he started coughing.

"We had all the food in there!" cried Gonff.

Everybeast screamed.

"We had all the fresh water in there!" cried Martin.

Everybeast screamed.

"We had all the clean clothes in there!" cried Cornflower.

Everybeast screamed.

"That was our ride back home!" cried Sunflash.

Everybeast screamed.

"I left my mirror in there!" cried Ublaz.

Everybeast was about to scream, but then they stopped, and turned to the pine marten.

_"What?!" _demanded Ublaz as he noticed everybeast staring at him.

The author sighed. "Well, this is all Mariel's fault."

Everybeast turned to Mariel, who began to slowly shrink.

"HEY!" squeaked Mariel. "Put me back to my normal size you jerk!"

"What did she say?" asked Dandin.

"I said put me back to my normal size, you jerk!" said Mariel, though she was now so small, sadly, nobeast could hear her.

"Sadly?" said Nightshade, who was still mad at Mariel from the previous chapter.

"Hey! Shut up you stupid vixen!" said Mariel.

"I don't know what you said," said Nightshade, lifting her footpaw, "but you better watch out, cuz I'm a million times bigger than you now."

"No, you're not," said Mattemeo.

"Yes I am!"

"No, you're like a thousand times bigger, or maybe a hundred."

Nightshade rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I'm still bigger."

_"Hello?"_ said Ublaz. _"My mirror?"_

"Don't worry, Ublaz," said the author. "There's an extra mirror in the basement."

_"Wahooooooooooooooooooo!"_ said Ublaz as he sprinted back into the house.

After a few seconds of a whole bunch of crashing noises, Ublaz came back out, grinning sheepishly.

"Do any of you have a flashlight?"

Bryony handed her's over.

"Thank you," said Ublaz. Then he sprinted off again.

"Uh, Mr. Author?" said Gelltor.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?" said the author.

"Are you gonna turn me back?" Gelltor motioned at his "I Dream of Genie" attire.

"What about him?" asked the author.

"Who?"

"Mokkan."

"What_ about_ Mokkan?"

"HEY! Shut up!" snapped Mokkan, who was still wearing the frilly pink dress.

"Why do you need the author's help to get out of those clothes?" asked Triss.

Everybeast stared at her.

"Well, why?!" said the squirrelmaid in a defensive voice. "I mean, couldn't you just take those clothes off and--ooohhhhhhhhhhhh." Realization dawned on her.

"What do you mean?" asked Cornflower.

"What?" said the author.

"What do you mean that 'realization dawned on her?'"

"Eh, you don't wanna know."

"Yes I do! Why do you think I asked the question?"

"Because you are an ignorant little twit."

"WHAT?! Why, how dare you! Apologize, or else!"

"Or else what?"

"Or else my husband will be very mad with you! Right, Matthias, honey?"

"Huh?"

Everybeast turned to see that Matthias had been stupidly staring up at the clouds.

_"Matthias!"_ squeaked Cornflower. "The author just insulted me! ME! Your wife! What are you going to do about it?"

"Oh yeah, yeah, sure," said Matthias as he continued to stare up at the clouds.

"MATTHIAS!" boomed Cornflower.

Just then another thing boomed. And it wasn't Cornflower.

"I think it's gonna rain," said Matthias as galleons of water came pouring down on them all.

"But we're standing under the porch!" protested Predak. "How can galleons of water come pouring down on us?"

"Er, the porch roof had collapsed," said the author.

"But we're standing under the porch!" cried Swartt.

"Um, all your guys' heads went through it," said the author.

Everybeast looked down to see that it was true. They were all standing in the holes they made when the roof fell on them.

"But," said Ferahgo, confused. "We didn't feel anything!"

"And you better be glad that you didn't!" warned Cluny as he made his way inside. "It hurts when something big and heavy hits you on the head! Heeheehee!"

"Hey wait a minute!" said Gonff. "Mr. Author, wasn't it _already_ raining?"

Silence.

"Uh, Mr. Author?"

"SHUT UP GONFF. NOW, EVERYBEAST, FOLLOW CLUNY'S EXAMPLE AND GET OUT OF THE RAIN!!!"

So everybeast followed Cluny's example and followed him in.

"Huh, following the example of Cluny the Scourge," said Matthias. "Never thought I'd be doin' that!"

It was drier inside, but there were still holes in the ceiling, allowing more rain to come in.

Kurda scowled. "We came inside to get dry! Not to get even more wet!"  
The parts where the rain was coming through, there weren't very many of those.

"Oh, thank you," said Kurda.

"Your welcome," said the author.

"So are you going to change them back?" asked Dandin, pointing at Mokkan, Gelltor, and Mariel.

"Sure," said the author.

For a few minutes, nothing happened.

"Um, Mr. Author?" said Gelltor.

"HMM-huh? Wha--? Oh I," said the author, then he yawned.

"Did you fall asleep again?!" cried Bluefen.

"Yeah? So?"

Bluefen sighed. "Never mind."

"So are you gonna change us back or what?" demanded Mokkan, jumping a little, making the sashes and fluffs on his pink dress flounce.

Gelltor would have liked to have laughed at his brother, but after glancing at his own attire, he kept his muzzle shut.

"Mm, hmp, hmm, hmm, naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," said the author in response to Mokkan's question.

"WHAT?!" roared the Marlfox brothers.

"Oh, c'moooooooooooon," whined Gelltor.

"Change me back!" demanded Mokkan.

"Nope."

"Change me back!" the Marlfox brothers ordered.

"Nope."

"Change me back!"

"Nope."

"Change me back!"

"Nope."

"Change me back!"

"Nope."

"Change me back!"

"Nope."

"Change me back!"

"Come on, Mr. Author," pleaded Veil. "Change 'em back."

Mokkan and Gelltor were suddenly back in their original cloaks and tunics of brown and green.

_"Wa-hooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"_ said the Marlfox brothers. They gave each other a high five. "YES!"

Then they both realized what they had just done. They stepped away from each other, frowning and clearing their throats.

"What about Mariel?" demanded Dandin, pointing at the minuscule speck that was once the raging mousemaid.

"What about her?" asked the author.

"Come on, Mr. Author," pleaded Veil. "Change her back."

Mariel became her normal size again.

"Hey," she said. "Mr. Author, you just took orders from Veil! He's your favorite character!"

_"The author likes Veil! The author likes Veil!"_ chanted Mattemeo in a singsong voice.

"That's right, Matti, I do. Along with a whole bunch of other people in the world, too," said the author.

"Uh, I knew that," said Mattemeo, scratching the back of his head.

Veil scowled. "Yeah, and people like me a lot more than they like you!"

"HEY SHUT-"

"Come on, I'm _hungryyyyyyy!"_ whined Ascord. "Where's the food?!"

Suddenly all of the lights went out. All the doors, windows, and the holes in the ceiling closed up, preventing any light to come into the room.

"Uh oh," said Martin.

An eerie green light filled the room.

"Oh yes," said the author. "You guys remember how this house was supposed to be haunted?"

Everybeast gulped.

All of the walls seemed to grow taller and taller and taller, along with all the pictures on the wall.

"Hey!" said Swartt. "It's just like the Haunted House in Disneyland!"

"Hey, you're right!" said Predak.

"Whoaaaaaaaaa," said Mattemeo.

"Cooooooooool," said Gonff.

"I always wanted to go to Disneyland!" said Klitch happily. "It's the happiest place in the whole world!"

"Yes, it sure is," muttered Ferahgo darkly.

Suddenly a dead, hollow voice echoed around the room.

_"Who enters MY mansion?"_

Everybeast turned to see a green, transparent figure floating in a corner.

"OH MY GOSH!!" screamed Vannan. "It's that creepy ghost guy from Return of the King! Oh, I just LOVE him!"

The ghost guy looked very disturbed. _"Ummmmm, okay, uhhhh. . . ."_

Martin stood boldly forward. "One who will have you be host to us."

_"What?"_

Martin rolled his eyes. "I'm following the Return of the King script as much as I can while following _this_ script."

_"Oh. Uh, right. Um, oh yes."_

"WAIT!" screamed the author. "Let me say that I don't own Return of the King! The book belongs to Tolkien and the movie belongs to Peter Jackson! Okay, Mr. Ghost Guy, go."

_"The dead do not HOST to the LIVING,"_ said the ghost guy eerily.

"You WILL host to me," growled Martin.

The ghost guy laughed. All the other ghosts came out of the walls and portraits.

_"The mansion is haunted,"_ chanted the ghost guy menacingly. _"It was made by those who are dead. And the dead KEEP it."_

All of the ghosts began to close in on the animals.

"Uh, guys?" said Klitch, who was beginning to feel nervous.

"Don't be nervous, Klitch," said Gonff cheerfully, giving him a slap on the back that nearly knocked him flat. "The author wouldn't kill us this soon. It's only the second chapter! Right, Mr. Author? Mr. Author?"

The author didn't answer.

_"The way is shut,"_ chanted the ghost guy. _"Now you must DIE."_

Nightshade whipped out her bow from nowhere and fired an arrow into the ghost guy's head.

"_OW! HEY! That hurt!" _shouted the ghost guy, rubbing his forehead.

Nightshade was bewildered, along with everyone (and everybeast) else. "Um, Mr. Author?"

"Oh, I thought that Legolas was acting kind of stupid when he tried to shoot the ghost guy (even though at the same time I thought it was really cool and really creepy and very well-fitting), and I decided that Nightshade wasn't stupid enough to fire an arrow at something she can't hurt, so I made it so that the ghost guy can be hurt, but only when it's funny."

Everyone (and everybeast) was silent.

"Uh, guys?" said the author.

"Uh, right," said everyone (and every--

"WE KNOW!!"

"Okay, okay. . . ."

"I summon you to host to us," said Martin to the ghost guy.

_"None but whomever the author of this stupid story enables may command MEEEEEEEEEEEEE,"_ growled the ghost guy.

Martin lifts his sword like how Aragorn did, only Martin looks a lot more fluffier and cuter because he's a mouse.

"Hey, shut up!" protested Martin.

_"Graaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh," _yelled the ghost guy, lifting his sword to strike the mouse warrior.

Of course, Martin blocks it, grabs the ghost guy by the throat, yatta-yatta-yatta.

_"Okay, okay," _said the ghost guy. _"We'll host you while you're here."_

_"What do ya mean 'WE'?" _demanded all the other ghosts.

_"Wha. . . .? But, but guys--!"_

_"Forget it, buddy. The mouse beat _you,_ he didn't beat _us,"and with that, the ghosts flew off.

The former ghost leader muttered darkly about revenge.

_"Fine, fine," _he said. Then he turned to our "heroes". _"Come on, I'll take you to the kitchen for something to eat."_

Suddenly a door appeared on one of the walls. Above it was one word in big bold letters: WAY TO THE KITCHEN.

"Wahooo!" yelled everybeast.

They tried to follow the ghost through the door, but, as they were not ghosts, they all ended up crashing into the door.

"Oh, that I were a ghost again," sighed Martin wistfully as he picked himself up.

"Hey wait a minute!" said Klitch. "We were ALL dead! How come we're all alive now?"

Everybeast stared at him.

"Klitch, sweetie," said Triss in a friendly manner. "Shut up."

"FINE!" snapped Klitch.

And so, without further ado--

"GOOD!" yelled everybeast.

--our heroes were led to the kitchen by the ghost.

_"There,_" he said to Martin._ "I have hosted you by showing you to the kitchen. Release me."_

Martin sighed, staring grimly at the ghost.

"Bad idea mate," said Gonff. "Very handy in a tight spot, this guy. Just like how we were when we were ghosts."

_"You gave me your WORD," _growled the ghost guy.

"I hold your oath fulfilled," said Martin. "Go. Be at peace."

_Pop! _

The ghost simply vanished instead of Peter Jackson's more dramatic and very cool version.

Vannan scoffed. "Uh, eee-yeah?"

"SHH!" said the author. "Now, why don't you all just go into the kitchen and cook yourselves a nice big meal, eh?"

"I'm not going in there!" protested Swartt. "That's WOMEN'S work!"

Everybeast gasped and glared at him.

"What?" said Swartt.

Suddenly an anvil fell on his head.

Every other beast went, _"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"_

Swartt went, _"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."_

"Hey, where's Ublaz?" said Bluefen.

"He's in the basement, looking for that spare mirror I told him about," said the author.

"Oh, okay," said Bluefen. And with that, she walked over to the basement door (she somehow knew where it was already), opened it, and called, "Ublaz, dinner is almost ready!"

"Okay, I'll be up in a little while!" called up Ublaz.

Ublaz turned and looked around at the shadowy basement. His flashlight traveled over all the empty boxes and shelves one more time. He sighed. He had found nothing.

(The author had lied to him about the mirror. Why I did that, I can't imagine.)

Suddenly his flashlight was knocked from his paw and the whole room went completely black.

_Uh oh,_ was the last thought that flashed through the pine marten's mind before a paw clamped over his mouth and a cold blade was pressed against his neck.

"Make one move and you'll regret it!" growled a dangerous voice.

Ublaz froze, not daring to move a muscle.

His wrists were seized and forced behind his back. Strong ropes coiled around his paws; then they were tied to his waist. A thick cloth seemed to wrap itself around his mouth. . . .


	3. Supper Time

1**Chapter 3: Supper Time**

"Y'know," said Matthias. "Wouldn't it be ironic if a hare came in just now and ate all our food?"

"Yes, that _would_ be ironic," agreed Martin.

Just then a hare came in. With him was a rabbit.

The rabbit turned to the hare and said, "Hey Mr. Hare. Have you ever been mistaken for a rabbit?"

The hare turned and looked at the rabbit with narrowed eyes and a slightly open mouth. Then he said in a low, even voice, "No." He raised his eyebrows. "Have you?"

The others looked at the hare and rabbit, before looking at each other and nodding in solemn agreement. They tackled the hare and the rabbit, and, putting them in heavy chains, threw them out into the rain, where the wind swept them both up and returned them back to their respectable homes.

"Hey!" said Klitch. "Would the wind do that to us if we went out?"

"No," said the author in a flat voice.

"Hmph!" said Klitch.

"Y'know," said Matthias. "Dann and Song weren't mentioned very much in the last chapter, were they?"

"So?" said the author.

"So?!" cried the two squirrels in question. "We're the stars of the show!"

"No you're not," said the author. "You guys are just little additives, is all."

"Shut up."

"Welp," said the author, ignoring them. "Let's get started on dinner, eh?"

They all sat on rickety chairs at a very very very very long table.

"Hey," said Kurda as they all sat down. "Where's tall, dark, and handsome, with creepy, mesmerizing eyes?"

"He's right there, stupid," scoffed Triss, pointing at Veil.

"No, no," said Kurda impatiently. "I mean the other tall, dark, handsome guy with creepy, mesmerizing eyes."

"Klitch?"

"No."

"Ferahgo?"

"No."

"Swartt?"

"No!"

"Martin?"

"No!"

"Matthias?"

"No!"

"Mattemeo?"

"No!"

"Deyna?"

"No!"

"Sunflash?"

"No!"

"Mokkan?"

"No!"

"Gelltor?"

"No!"

"Ascord?"

"NO!"

"Who?"

"UBLAZ! DUH."

"Oh. Whoops."

"I called him a few minutes ago," said Bluefen.

"Klitch, go and get Mad Eyes," Ferahgo ordered.

"Get out of here, old man; you go!" protested Klitch. He wasn't about to go poking around in some creepy, haunted mansion.

"I can't," said Ferahgo pompously. "I'm too valuable!"

"Yeah, right," said Mariel sarcastically, who was still mad at him for thinking that she was a male.

"Look, I said I was sorry--" began Ferahgo heatedly.

"No you didn't!" Mariel interrupted.

"Yes I did!"

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did!"

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did!"

"No you didn't! Mr. Author!" she called.

"Ferahgo, you never apologized," said the author lazily.

"Wha-I did too!"

Swartt picked up a bowl and threw it at the weasel assassin's head. "No you didn't! Now sit still and stop arguing with the narrator! It never pays!"

"So, are we gonna eat or not?" asked Matthias, who looking longingly at the huge kettle of steaming vegetable soup.

"Not until Klitch goes and gets Ublaz!" snapped the author.

"Me? Why me?!" whined Klitch.

"Cuz you're the funny one. Now go!"

Scowling, the young weasel got up and called out, "Oh Ublaz!"

"Go to the basement and get him!"

Klitch walked over to the door. "OH UBLAZ!"

"GET HIM!!!" everybeast hollered.

That hurried Klitch up!

. . . Klitch stood on the basement stairs, looking down into the endless void of darkness. It was very, very quiet. Not a sound could be heard down there. There was not one drop of light coming from the blackness. If Ublaz was down there, his light was out and he was standing very still, holding his breath.

"Oh Ublaz," Klitch whispered, half-hoping that Ublaz would answer, while the rest of him hoped that nothing would answer at all.

"Hey, Ublaz, dinner's ready!"

Nothing.

Klitch crept down the stairs a little bit farther.

"Oh _Uuuuuuuuu_blaz--" Klitch turned and raced back up the stairs, not noticing Ublaz's flashlight that was at the base of the stairs. . . .

"I-I called him," stammered Klitch to the others. "H-he didn't answer!"

Silence. Dead silence.

"Maybe he isn't hungry," suggested Cornflower softly.

Bluefen sighed and smiled. "Well, eat up. Before it gets cold."

Everybeast automatically took up their spoons and solemnly ate their soup. Then they all set down their spoons and pushed their bowls away.

_"Man,"_ said Dandin. "Who made this soup? Mariel? _Ugh."_

"What? You mean you don't like my cooking?" demanded Mariel, swinging her Gullwhacker.

"Why do you think I always lose so much weight when we go traveling together?"

"Oooooooo, _buuuuuuuuuuuurn!"_ said Gonff.

Mariel swung her Gullwhacker at Gonff's head. The mousethief went head over tail into a pile of furniture.

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!"

Everybeast jumped. "WHAT?! WHO, _WHAT,_ WHERE, _WHENWHYHOW?!"_

"Guys, it's. . . .!" was all Gonff said. Then he was thrown back at the table out of the pile of furniture.

Following the mousethief was another ghost.

"HEY!" objected Klitch. "I thought Martin released them!"

"He only released that one that led you all to the kitchen," explained the author. He turned to the ghost, "Well, go on with what yer gonna do."

The ghost solemnly put down a stereo and pressed a button.

The stereo started playing the reader's least favorite Backstreet Boys song.

_"You must all dance to this music,"_ explained the ghost in a raspy voice. "If not, it will never end."

Everybeast gasped and exchanged anxious glances. Instead of boring the reader with them deciding whether or not to dance, the author decided to just jump ahead to them dancing. (Well_ of course_ they danced, what'd you expect?)

_"You can either dance solo or with partners,"_ rasped the ghost guy before fading away.

Nightshade turned to Slagar with a smile. "Would you like to dance?"

"No."

"Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough," said Nightshade through gritted teeth. "I said, _'Would you like to dance?'_ "

Slagar stared at her and stated rather simply, "No."

Ascord offered his arm to Nightshade. "Shall we dance?"

The vixen seer looked at him with an "are you kidding" look on her face. Then she said, "Yeah, alright."

Kurda smiled at Veil. "Would you like to dance?"

Veil returned her smile. "Yes I would."

Kurda stood up.

"I must learn sometime," said Veil.

Kurda sat down.

"I know how to dance," offered Klitch, eagerly leaning forward.

"That's nice," said the princess airily.

Klitch glared at Veil. Then he looked hopefully at Triss.

"Hey, Triss--"

"Not a chance in Dark Forest," growled Triss, who, like Kurda, had been hoping to dance with Veil; and no other creature would satisfy her. Except maybe Ublaz, but he wasn't here.

Cluny's long tail whipped out and tried to grab Cornflower, but she dodged by grabbing her reluctant husband's hand and dragging him out to the dance floor. So Cluny decided to dance by himself.

And he was very, very bad.

Everybeast shuddered at the sight of the him.

And so, partners were chosen, though there were some, like Cluny and Slagar and Veil and Kurda and Triss, who decided to just simply dance solo.

Rose dragged a very reluctant Martin out onto the dance floor and began to dance to the music in a very nice way.

Dandin smiled at Mariel. "May I have this dance?"

Mariel gave him a look that would have put out the sun. "No."

Dandin looked as though he were about to cry like a baby.

Gonff leaped over to Bryony and gallantly offered her his arm. The mousemaid giggled and took it.

Gonff began to swirl his great granddaughter around the floor, around and around, faster and faster, until he accidentally let her drop.

Bryony fell in a heap on the floor. Gonff leaped like a ballerina in the opposite direction, and then turned back to her. Bryony arched an eyebrow at the sight of her _plump_ grandfather prancing around the floor.

"HEY!" Gonff objected. "Don't use the word plump! It's my least favorite word!"

Fine. _Chubby._

"I can work with that."

Gonff began to leap toward Bryony, but got his foot caught in a bucket of water.

Oops.

"Why are _you_ saying oops?" asked Gonff. _"I'm_ the one who put my foot in the bucket."

The author sighed. "Just get on with the story, will ya?"

Gonff took his footpaw out and was about to walk over to Bryony when he got his other foot caught in the bucket.

After he was able to get away from the bucket, the mousethief leaped into the air and tried to valiantly slide to a halt; but he ended up slipping in a small pool of rain water.

Everybeast turned to stare.

Bryony sighed, shook her head, and crawled over to her grandpa to help him up. Somehow Gonff managed to trip them both up and Bryony ended up getting her rear stuck in the bucket.

Gonff tried to pull the bucket off but it was stuck.

Then the mousethief began to tap the bucket like a drum, but Bryony's tail ended up whacking him in the face.

"Here, let me help," said Sunflash coming over. He pulled the bucket off of Bryony's rear with a loud pop. Unfortunately the water from inside spilled as Sunflash pulled the bucket off, and Bryony got soaked.

"Oh, sorry," said Sunflash, taking out a towel from who-know's-where and handing it to her.

"My dress is ruined!" whined Bryony, plucking at her sopping attire.

"No, you look pretty like that," said Klitch, smiling. The young weasel turned to Veil. "Don't you think she looks pretty like that?"

_"Grrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaa!"_ Veil screamed, tackling Klitch to the ground.

The music stopped as the two young vermin rolled around on the ground, making the same shrieking noises as leopards.

Everyone–

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" Dandin snapped.

Okay, fine. Every_beast_ else began jumping up and down and making monkey sounds.

Swartt and Ferahgo circled their sons, shouting out advice and commands and warnings and encouragement.

"Get him from behind, Veil!" screamed Swartt.

"Don't let the six-clawed freak get the better of ya, son!" roared Ferahgo.

"Show 'im what yer made of, boy!"

"Use yer tail! Use yer tail!"

"Bash 'im upside the head!"

"Watch out for his sixclaw!"

"Use yer left! Yer right! Left right left!"

_"Boys! Boys!"_ screamed Bryony. "Stop fighting over me!"

She grabbed a pitcher of water and doused the two.

No impact.

She threw the pitcher itself on their heads.

No impact.

She grabbed a broom and began to poke them.

No impact.

_"You've got 'im! You've got 'im!" _shrieked Swartt gleefully. "In your blue-eyed face, Ferahgo!"

_"No, no!"_ squealed Ferahgo. "Klitch, get yourself out of that headlock! Stop trying to break free! Attack! Hit him! Bite him! Pull his headfur! Do something! _Make me look good, will ya?"_

Klitch reached up and began yanking on Veil's ears. Now as we all know, Veil hates it when people yank his ears.

He released Klitch, but the young weasel soon regretted it.

Veil was on top of Klitch, pummeling him into oblivion. However, there was this one time that Veil missed Klitch's head and ended up punching the floor. And it hurt.

"Ow!"

Klitch seized the opportunity. He punched Veil in the face and was soon on top of the young ferret.

Ferahgo went, _"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss!!!" _

Swartt went, _"Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!"_

Veil jumped up, much to Klitch's surprise, and locked his paws around the weasel's skinny shoulders. Klitch did the same, and soon the two young vermin were rolling around on the floor.

Just then, a mud-hole appeared out of nowhere, and the two young vermin had started rolling towards it.

Everybeast began to scream with either glee or fright.

Klitch and Veil were _almost_ about to roll into the mud, then they began to roll back.

Everybeast went, "Awwwwwwwwwww."

Then they cheered again when the two started to roll to it again.

They pouted when they rolled away again.

Then they cheered again when the two started to roll to it again.

They pouted when they rolled away again.

As Veil and Klitch began to roll toward the mudhole _again_, Mattemeo decided to help them out a bit. He walked over, and gave them a slight nudge with his footpaw.

Everybeast (except Bluefen and Bryony) cheered as they watched Veil and Klitch (now covered in mud) duked it out.

_"Blue-feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen,"_ whined Bryony. "Do something! Make them stop!"

Bluefen calmly walked into the mud where her son and Klitch were ripping each other apart. Then she serenely seized their ears and twisted.

"OW! Ow, ow, owowowowowowowow, and double-ow!"

Carefully, Bluefen separated the two and held them apart. "Now, I will let go when you solve your problems with words," she told them in a motherly voice.

_"Fine!"_ snapped Veil. "Klitch, keep your filthy little paws off of Bryony, OK?"

_"Fine!"_ snapped Klitch.

_"Fine!"_

"There!" said Bluefen, releasing them.

"Blue-feeeeeeeeeeeeeen," whined Swartt and Ferahgo. "Why'd you do that?"

"Dinner's getting cold," she told them coldly. "Oh, yes, and Mr. Author?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?"

"Could you, um?" she gestured at her son and Klitch, who were now covered in mud.

"Oh sure, no problem."

Veil and Klitch were suddenly in a wooden barrel tub that was filled with mountains of suds. Scrub brushes and soap bars flew about, scrubbing mercilessly at the two whining young vermin.

_"Aauugghh!"_ screamed Klitch as he tried vainly to hit away one of the brushes.

_"Noooooo!"_ yelled Veil as a soap bar lathered a lot of suds on him.

A whole bunch of soap suds surrounded the two young vermin, preventing any of the others to see them. But they could hear their screams of agony.

"AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Hey!" said Martin. "Rose and Bryony were in the mud earlier; how come they don't need a wash?"

"Shut up, Marty," said the author.

"Hey– "

**_"SHUT UP!!!"_**

The suds cleared, to reveal Klitch and Veil being vigorously dried by floating towels. Soon they were both very clean and smelled like little flowers.

"HEY!" protested the two young vermin.

"Okay, fine," said the author. "You don't smell like flowers, you smell _clean_, okay?"

"Okay," said the two young vermin.

And their clothes were clean too. Veil was wearing his black tunic while Klitch was wearing his yellow tunic. However, everybeast noticed that, while Veil's tunic appeared the same as before, Klitch's tunic suddenly looked a lot less yellow, now.

"You know," said Ferahgo to his son. "If you just washed yer clothes out more often, they wouldn't get all yellow like that."

Silence. Then,

"AH HAAAAAAAA, AH HAHAHA! AH HA, DAH, HAHAHAHA!"

Klitch was glaring daggers at his father.

"Now come along, children," said Bluefen as she directed the two back to their seats. "Dinners getting cold."

"I'm not eating any of that!" said Matthias, eyeing Mariel's soup as if it were some kind of dangerous poison, which, let's face it, almost was.

"HEY!" protested Mariel.

"Mariel, you're a bad cook," said the author. "Take it like a man, ok?"

"Why you little--!" growled Mariel.

"Language, young lady," said the author.

"#$&#$&#$&#$&#$&!!!!!!" screamed Mariel.

The entire room gasped.

"What'd we all gasp for?" asked Mattemeo. "All she said was the Dollar sign, the Number sign, the Percent sign, the And sign, and all the other little weird signs that I forgot the technical terms for!"

"Because the author doesn't like to use swear words," said Predak.

"Yeah, right," said Klitch sarcastically, who was angry at the author for doing all those torturous things to him. "I betcha he just doesn't know any."

"I DO TOO, KLITCH!!!" boomed the author.

"Suuuuuuuuuuure you do," said Klitch.

"OH, BE QUIET. I NEVER WANTED YOU IN THIS STORY IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!"

"Temper, temper," said Klitch.

"SHUT UP!!!"

"No, you shut up!"

"NO, YOU SHUT UP!!!"

"Why don't you make me?!"

"OKAY!!!"

A large piece of duct tape appeared on Klitch's mouth. On the tape was a sign that said "Do Not Remove."

Klitch was enraged, and tried to remove the tape, but it was so stuck to his mouth that his lips actually stretched three feet when the young weasel tried to rip it off.

"MMMFF! RRUGGLE! MMMMMMMRRRRRFFFFFFF!!!" said Klitch.

"C'mon son," said Ferahgo reassuringly, patting his son on the back. "It's not that bad. I should've thought of that _years _ago!"

Klitch couldn't talk but he could glare. So he glared at Ferhago for three full minutes.

"C'mon, everyone, me and the creatures that can actually _cook,"_ Bluefen said, glaring at Mariel, "made some extra food. Let's eat."

Mariel grumbled something under her breath.

"What was that?" said Bluefen, eyeing the fuming mousemaid.

"YOU COULDN'T COOK EVEN IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!!!"

"THAT'S IT!" Bluefen grabbed a ladle and went after Mariel.

Well, why don't we just skip that part and go right to where they all start eating. The author was gracious enough to remove the tape from Klitch's mouth so that he could enjoy Bluefen's heavenly cooking.

Mariel snorted, then went back to nursing her black eye.

Slagar removed his mask so that he could eat better.

Everybeast gasped.

Slagar looked up. _"What?" _he snapped.

"Slag, matey," said Gonff. "You know how people say to Darth Vader, 'Dude, keep your mask on? Keep your mask on!'?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't get it, do you?"

_"YES I DO!"_ Slagar roared, standing up. "You all think I'm ugly! No one likes me! Everyone hates me! I've never had a real friend! I've never had any _fake _friends!"

Well, Slagar went on for a couple of hours.

"I've never been loved!" screamed the fox, thus proving that he had the makings of being one of those people who do nothing except make big long speeches. "Not even by my own mother! I'm not loved! I'll never be loved!"

After a few more hours of ranting and raving, the fox broke down and began crying like a baby.

Mattemeo stood up, went straight over to the bawling fox, and did the unthinkable.

"Slag," he said softly, then he gave him a great big hug.

Everybeast even Slagar (except Mattemeo) gasped.

Matthias approached the two cautiously.

"Okay, son," he said, gently pealing Mattemeo from Slagar. "You showed the nice fox that he's loved and all, but why don't you save that for after dinner?"

"Well!" said Slagar, sitting back down cheerfully. "Now, how about we get some eats?"

Everybeast enjoyed Bluefen's roast fish, Cornflower's salad, Sunflash's cake, Bryony's bread, Rose's pie, and Veil's honeyed fruit.

"Hey," said Swartt to Veil. "Where'd you learn how to cook?"

"Friar Bunfold," said Veil with a childish smile.

"I thought you guys hated each other."

"That's right," said Veil, and then added in a smug tone, "what_ you_ think. Heeheehee!"

Swartt's eyes widened and he backed away.

"Oh, Veil, here," said Bluefen, holding her plate out to her son. "Have my fish."

"I wish you wouldn't do that, mom," said Veil.

"Do what, honey?"

"You're always up and about, working your little paws down to bone, putting others before you, never once thinking of yourself, always letting yourself be brushed aside by your husband and father, always serving other people, giving up your food so that they can get fatter! Mom, you don't deserve that! You deserve to have a whole fish to yourself! IN FACT, YOU HAVE EVEN MORE RIGHT TO HAVE A WHOLE FISH TO YOURSELF! SO PLEASE, MOM, PLEASE, JUST FOR ONE MOMENT, BE SELFISH AND HAVE A WHOLE FISH!!"

"Oooh, Veily, that's so sweet," said Bluefen, smiling. "Here, have my dessert."

"Okay."

Cornflower frowned at her own son. "Now how come you're not more like Veil Sixclaw?"

"I'm just not, OKAY?!"

"Don't talk to your mother that way," said Matthias.

Mattemeo grumbled, but said nothing.

"I did?" asked Mattemeo.

"Did what?" asked Matthias.

"No, I mean the author. He said that I said 'Nothing.'"

"No, I didn't!" said the author.

"Yes, you did!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Did too!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"Didn't!" said Mattemeo.

"You are absolutely right, Mattemeo," said the author.

Mattemeo grumbled yet again.

The author, realizing that Matti felt like that Veil was getting more love from his parents than he was, decided to show the poor young mouse that it wasn't all fun and games for Veil.

Bluefen suddenly turned to her son with a stern expression. "You're using the wrong fork for your salad."

"Mom. . . ." said Veil.

"Get your elbow off the table," said Swartt, nudging his son's elbow off with his own.

"Dad. . . ." said Veil.

"You really should have more fish," said Bryony, who began to pile on more fish on the poor ferret's plate.

"Bryony. . . ." said Veil.

"Tie your napkin around your neck, you'll get less food on your shirt," said Nightshade as she began to tie his napkin around his neck like a bib.

"Nightshade. . . ." said Veil.

"No pie for you until you finish your salad," said Bluefen.

"Stop slouching. Sit up straight," ordered Swartt.

"You don't need some more bread," cautioned Bryony.

"Eat your fish, it's good protein," said Nightshade.

"Here, have some pie with that fish," said Bluefen as she put some more pie on his plate, even though she told him that he couldn't have any before.

"Your fish is getting mixed up with your fruit!" complained Swartt, even though it was on his son's plate and not his own.

"You should have remembered to bring more cheese," said Bryony, forgetting that the cheese was now trapped in the limo in a very deep mudhole.

"Wipe your mouth, you've got fish scales all over it," ordered Nightshade as she herself reached over and wiped his mouth for him.

"Come on, now, finish up that salad," warned Bluefen.

"Those honeyed fruits are going to go right to your gut," cautioned Swartt.

"Here, have some more bread," said Bryony, who had only a few minutes ago told Veil that he shouldn't have any.

"Not so much butter, think of the calories," cautioned Nightshade.

"Why don't you have some more pie?" asked Bluefen in a concerned voice.

"You're developing very bad posture, sitting like that," said Swartt.

**"DAD!!!"** roared Veil, standing up and knocking his seat over.

"I win," said Swartt, smiling smugly at Bluefen and Bryony and Nightshade.

"That's because he never loved you to begin with," spat Bryony.

"Ah! That feels much better," said Mattemeo, who was now happy for the family he had.

"Uh, excuse me, Mr. Author?" asked Gonff.

"Yes?"

"What's this supposed to do?" The mousethief held up a remote control.

"Where'd you get that?" cried Martin.

"Mm-um-nnn," said Gonff, like Nelson (don't own the Simpsons). "So, Author guy, what's it do, eh?"

"Point it at Badrang and press the red button," said the author.

_"Noooooo!"_ yelled Badrang as he tried to escape.

Gonff pointed the control at the stoat and pressed the red button.

Suddenly Badrang leapt over in front of the table onto a stage that appeared out of nowhere and began to dance. And from out of nowhere, this strange music began to play.

"This music sounds familiar," said Predak. Her sisters agreed with her.

"No we didn't!" said Vannan.

There would have been an argument if Badrang hadn't started singing.

_"Oh Martin baby. . . ."_

"What did you call me?" growled Martin, getting up.

_"I shouldn't have let you liiiiive. . . ."_

"Yeah, that's right," said Martin, rubbing his fist. "Then I wouldn've had to kill you."

_"I should have killed you right on the, the spot!_

_Everything was goin' good for me-ee-ee-ee-ee! _

_For ME-EE-EE-EE!_

_But then you started killin' me-ee-ee!_

_KILLIN' ME!_

_But I still believe,_

_STILL BELIEEEVE!!!_

_That I could beat you, beat you, Martin,_

_If you would just, _

_Give me some tii-ii-ii-ii-eeeeeeee–yyyyyiiiiiiiiimmmmmeeeee._

_To fight you Martin one more time!"_

"Auggh!" cried Vannan, diving under the table. "A Britney Spears song parody! Evil! Evil! Evilevilevilevilevil eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!"

"And it's really bad," said Ziral.

"That's the worst song parody of all time," breathed Matthias, shaking his head.

"Watch out," said the author evilly. "It's gonna get a whooooooooole lot worse. Heeheehee!"


	4. Singing, and it's Very Bad

1**Chapter 4: Singing, and It's Very, Very Bad**

_"Stupid mouse,"_ sang Badrang, giving Martin a slap across the face. Martin could only look shocked.

_"I still believe,_

_STILL BELIEVE!_

_That I could beat you, beat you, Martin,_

_If you would just,_

_Give me some tiiiiii-ii-ii-ii-eeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiiiiiime,_

_To fight you Martin one more time!"_

At the last verse, Badrang sang so aggressively that Martin backed up against the wall, with the stoat standing VERY CLOSE to him.

_"Stupid mouse,"_ Badrang repeated, giving Martin another slap. _"I still believe. . . ."_

Badrang went on like for a couple of hours.

Finally Martin cried, "Oh, make him stop!"

"Why don't you just hit him?" Song asked.

Martin looked at her. "That's a good idea."

He punched Badrang in the nose.

It didn't do any good. Badrang just kept on repeating that horrible song, and slapping poor Martin across the face.

_"Hey! Hey!"_ Martin cried, who was getting tired of this. "Mr. Author! Make him stop!"

"Hm, something's wrong with the remote. I'm gonna have to. . . ."

Silence (except for Badrang, and Martin's moans as the stoat slapped him repeatedly).

"Okay," said the author. "Gonff, point it at Badrang and press the red button."

"Didn't I already do that?"

"WELL DO IT AGAIN!!"

"Okay, okay, fine, sheesh." He pointed the remote at Badrang and pressed the red button.

Badrang stopped what he was doing and looked around.

Then he broke into a fit of giggles. "Heeheehee! I _slapped_ Martin across the face and there was nothing he could do about it! Heeheehee!"

Martin snarled and was about to tackle the stoat when the author "magically" transported them back to their seats.

"Ok, Gonff," said the author. "Point the remote at whoever I say to."

"Why?"

**_"STOP QUESTIONING ME! I'M THE AUTHOR OF THIS STUPID STORY! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"_**

So Gonff pointed the remote to every random beast that the author told him to. All the doors were closed (and locked), so nobeast could get away.

"Alright," said the author. "Point the remote at Dann."

Dann squeaked and tried to scramble under the table. Gonff put the remote under the table and hit the red button. When he did, Dann burst out from under the table, knocking the whole thing over, spilling all the food and crushing a lot of the other characters of this stupid story.

"You can say that again," groaned Triss as she crawled out from beneath.

Everyone's-

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" snapped Dandin.

Fine. Every_beast's_ attention was soon diverted to Dann, who jumped up onto the stage. For some odd reason, Mokkan, Ascord, and Gelltor jumped on there with him.

"Why?" asked Gonff.

The author took in a long, sharp breath. _"What_ have I told you about _questioning me?"_

"But you said 'for some odd reason,' and I want to know what is was!" objected Gonff.

The author took another long, deep breath.

Then he decided just to ignore the mousethief.

"Hey!" objected Gonff.

And so, as punishment to Gonff (and the others), Dann and the Marlfox brothers, to everybeast's horror, sang "Oops, I Did It Again."

I will not go into detail of what happened with this incident, except that Dann stood out in front on the stage and the Marlfox brothers acted like a chorus behind him.

In short, it was very, very bad.

After they were done, and after everybeast else was done losing their dinners-

"It's not fair! That dinner rocked!" Ferahgo whined, clutching his bare gut.

"Huh?"

"Remember how it said in the book that Ferahgo wore a kilt and crossbelt? It never said whether he was wearing the yellow shirt that people always give him," said the author matter-of-factly. "Now shut up, and point the remote at Triss and Kurda.

Gonff obeyed solemnly, despite the shrill warning cries of his friends and enemies.

Triss and Kurda got up onto the stage, put an arm around each other, and sang a duet of "I'm So Pretty."

Eh, let's skip this one too.

Cluny also jumped up on the table and sang "O What a Beautiful Morning."

_"Oh what a beautiful mooooooooooooornin',_

_Oh what a beautiful daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. . . ."_

This brought on a few weird looks.

Cluny also jumped off the stage and crouched down in front of Cornflower.

_"When I take yah out in a flurry_

_With a friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinge on top _(actually making a "pop"-ing noise with the last word)_. . . ."_

Matthias got mad and punched Cluny right in the nose. The rat stopped singing and flew across the room and landed in a pile of broken furniture. And was thrown back out by an irate ghost.

"Hey wait a minute!" said Martin. "How is it, that Matthias, whose smaller and weaker than Cluny, was able to punch him and make him stop singing, whereas _I,_ who am stronger than Badrang, wasn't able to make him stop singing when I punched him?!"

The author sighed. "Martin, shut up."

"Stop telling me to-"

**_"SHUT UP!!!"_** roared the author so that the house shook.

The ghosts of the house came out, very annoyed, shouting, _"Hey could you guys keep it down a little, please?!"_

"Certainly," said the author. "Now Gonff, point the remote at. . . ."

Dandin sang "Frosty the Snowman," while Mattemeo sang "Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer." Next Matthias sang "White Christmas."

"Hey wait a minute!" said Cornflower. "What's up with all the Christmas songs?"

"Because it was almost Christmas the time I was writing _this_ part of the story," said the author.

"Huh?"

"Shut up."

Slagar sang "I Feel Like Chicken Tonight."

Eh, let's skip this one too.

And then Martin, _ohhhhh,_ he sang the ultimate evil. Well, maybe. . . .

_"And caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan,_

_you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel,_

_the looooooooooooooooooooooooove,_

_toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?"_

"AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed everybeast.

As if that wasn't bad enough, but, remember in _Martin the Warrior_ where Martin said he had the worst singing voice in the whole world?

He was right.

Martin also got down off of the stage and got REAL CLOSE in Rose's face, making her lean back so far she actually fell out of her chair.

"No matter what happens," said Rose as she unplugged her ears after that little horror was done and over with (meaning that her beloved was finished). "I will never try to get him to sing again."

Next, Veil sang "Over the Rainbow," in a voice that was half singing, half crying. Somehow, all of the females' sympathy was aroused and they were all crying with him, wailing, _"Oh, Veil is so unwanted!_"

All of the malebeasts just sat and stared, either at Veil or at one of the females, except for Swartt, who laughed and laughed at his son. So that's why the author told Gonff to point the remote control at him.

Swartt sang "Sound of Music," in a high-pitched, girly voice. Everybeast laughed at him.

Deyna was the next victim, and he sang "Part of Your World." Everybeast sat up and gasped as they heard the song. A strange thing happened, though.

_"I don't know when," _sang Deyna with a cheesy grin on his face.

_"I don't know how. _

_But I know soooooooomethings'_

_Starting right nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow._

_Watch and you'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee._

_Someday I'll beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee._

_Part of yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr_

_Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrlllddd."_

When he sang "World", a big wave of sea water suddenly washed over everybeast.

EVerybeast was very upset with the author.

"That's an understatement," growled Matthias as he plucked at his tunic.

"Hey!" said Mattemeo. "Mr. Author, you got a type-o!"

"Where?" asked the author.

"Right there, see? When you said that everybeast was upset with you? See the word 'everybeast'? The 'v' after the 'e' is capitalized."

"Oh, okay, thanks for pointin' that out."

"Just doin' my job."

"So am I," said the author smugly as he told Gonff to point the remote control at Song, Predak, Vannan, Ziral, and Lantur.

"Whatever they sing," said Matthias. "It can't be worse than what everybeast before them sang."

The squirrelmaid and Marlfox sisters suddenly struck a pose at the end of the stage, Song in the center. Music appeared out of nowhere, and it sounded a little familiar.

Just then the squirrelmaid and four vixens turned around, started strutting down the stage toward their audience. Song was the first to start singing.

_"Yo, I'll tell ya what I want,_

_What I really really want."_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" screamed everybeast.

The Marlvixens started singing.

_"So tell me what cha want,_

_What ya really really want."_

Song sang:

_"I'll tell ya what I want,_

_What I really really want."_

The Marlvixens:

_"So tell me what cha want, _

_What cha really really want."_

All:

_"I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna,_

_I really really really wanna zigazig, ah. . . ."_

Yes, I know, everyone. The Spice Girls. The reader is probably going to hate me if they love Song and the Marlfox sisters and hate the Spice Girls. But don't worry, dear readers, they're actually quite nice singers, and make the act look good.

_"If you wanna be my lovah,_

_You gotta get with my friends._

_Make it last forevah._

_Friendship nevah ennnnnnnnnnds._

_"If you wanna be my lovah,_

_You have got to giiiiiiive._

_Takin' is too easy _

_But that's the way it isssssssssssssssss."_

Soon all five were prancing around the tables, getting REAL CLOSE to everybeast's face. Slagar, however, didn't mind when Lantur kissed him on the head. Nightshade did, however.

Just as the song was about to end, a huge, full-sized mirror appeared at the other end of the stage, and the five females strutted down to it, and began primping themselves in front of it.

_"If you wanna be mah lovah. . . ."_

Song was the first to leave the mirror.

_"Lovah, lovah. . . ."_

Predak was the second to leave.

_"Lovah, lovah. . . ."_

Ziral was third to leave.

_"Lovah, lovah. . . ."_

Lantur was fourth.

_"Lovah, lovah. . . ."_

Vannan turned and looked questioningly at the other four. "Is mah dress too short?"

"No," said Predak and Ziral, shaking their head.

Vannan pulled her dress (or tunic) up higher.

Song and Lantur gave each other a high five.

"I think my love of the Spice Girls has been renewed," said Gonff as he grinned at the squirrel and vixens.

Everybeast stared at him.

"What?" he asked defensively.

"Okay, so is that everybody?" asked the author.

"What?" said everybeast.

"I mean have you all had the remote pointed at you?"

"Yes," said Klitch, Ferahgo, and Nightshade.

"Nuh uh!" protested Mattemeo. "_They_ didn't get it!"

"SHUT UP!" they roared. (Wow, everyone is going to have a sore throat before this is over)

Martin stood up with a bright smile on his face and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sunflash, Klitch, Ferhago, Bluefen, Bryony, Nightshade, Gonff, Rose, Cornflower, and Mariel have not sang, Mr. Author."

"Hey, so far, I'm practically forgotten!" cried Sunflash.

"What?" said the author.

"I haven't been written about since Chapter 1!"

"You were written about in small parts of the other chapters," countered the author.

"Yeah, but they were _small_ parts!"

"That's because you were talked about too much in the first chapter," said the author.

"Was not!"

"Whatever. Let's get on with the story. Now then, as for those who have not sang yet, well, I'm too nice to make Bluefen sing."

"Awwwwwww," said Bluefen.

"And Mariel--"

"If you say I can't sing--!"

"No, no, you can sing just fine."

"I can?"

"Sure; Tarquin said so, remember?"

"Oh, right."

"But I'm not going to force her into singing. She needs a break after all she's been through."

"Awwwwwwwwwwwww."

"As for Gonff, he's holding the remote, so he CAN'T sing."

"Boy, am I glad of that," said Gonff, thinking of what terrible song he'd have to sing if he wasn't holding the remote. And he wouldn't be able to sing all those other cute little songs he comes up with in is head!

"Pity for him," grumbled Rose.

"As for Rose," said the author. "She sings too well. She makes any song sound good."

"Why thank you," said Rose.

"What about me?!" objected an outraged Song. "I sing well too, and yet I had to sing that horrible song!"

"Stop thinking of yourself and think of someone who _really_ matters, like _me,"_ said Lantur.

_"Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"_ screamed Song as she tackled the pretty vixen.

Gonff gave a loud cheer and out of nowhere brought out a pair of pom poms and began waving them about.

Predak, Vannan, and Ziral separated them.

"Yes, and as for everyone else," said the author as though nothing had happened. "Gonff, point the remote at them, please."

"WHAT?!" screamed the remaining victims.

Gonff pointed the remote and soon they were all doing the Macarana.

All those watching shuddered.

"Oh yeah," continued the author when they finished. "And Ublaz isn't here."

"You mean he's still in the basement?!" cried Matthias.

"Man, how long does it take to find a mirror?!" cried Slagar.

"There isn't a mirror down there, I lied to him," said the author.

Silence.

"Why would you do something like that?!" cried Dann.

"Oh, just to torture you animals."

Silence.

"Uh, okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay," said Dann.

"But I called him not too long ago!" protested Klitch.

"'Not too long ago'?" echoed Ferahgo, remembering all the long hours that passed between then and now.

Klitch rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"Well," said the author. "I suppose you all better go down into that deep, dark, veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery scarey basement to find him. BWA HAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Then he started coughing.


	5. Attempted Rescue

**Chapter 5: Attempted Rescue**

"WHADDA YA MEAN SOMETHING BAD HASN'T HAPPENED YET?!" roared the author.

"What?" asked Ascord.

"AND HIS NAME _IS_ SPELLED CORRECTLY! A-S-C-O-R-D! _NOT_ A-S-C-um, eh, well, WHATEVER YOU HAD SPELLED!"

"What are you yelling about?" cried Triss.

"AND I _DIDN'T_ FORGET TRISS IN THE LAST CHAPTER!"

"WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!?!" shouted Martin.

"Oh," said the author. "Whoops. Just eh, giving some eh... friends a piece of my mind."

"You don't have any friends," said Klitch, like Gollum.

"OH YEAH?!"

Klitch was then wearing a frilly little pink dress with dozens of pink flounces and pink ribbons.

"HEY!" objected the outraged weasel as all the others laughed at him.

"Whatever," said the author. (_"Pist! Hey, reviewers! Sorry for yelling at you back there, but I had to get it off my chest. Thank you all for your wonderful reviews! It's been wonderful knowing you guys!")_

"Who's he talkin' to?" Rose said to Triss.

"Got me," Triss shrugged.

"Weirdo," they both chimed together.

"Uh, Mr. Author? Could you um?" asked Klitch, gesturing at his dress.

"Oh I don't know, pink really is your color."

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh."

And so, just because this really wasn't amusing the author too much, Klitch was changed back to his normal clothes.

"Now you all must find Ublaz!" cried the author dramatically.

The characters sighed and rolled their eyes.

"I don't mean to sound sexist or anything," said Sunflash. "But, I think it's probably best if the females stayed up here."

"Hey, fine with me," said Kurda, settling down in her chair.

"Well, its NOT for me!" roared Mariel, swinging her annoying little rope thingy.

"IT'S A GULLWHACKER!" roared the mousemaid. "And it's not stupid!"

"I never said that it was stupid," said the author calmly.

"Shut up," snapped Mariel.

"Oh, Mariel, what's all the fuss about?" said Gonff amiably.

"I have to stay up here cuz I'm a girl!"

"Mariel, no one would_ ever_ consider you a lady."

Mariel whacked him upside the head.

"I want to go with Martin!" cried Rose dramatically.

Martin held her in his arms in an equally dramatic way. "No, Rose, oh Rose, my fair sweet Rose! You must stay behind!"

Rose pushed herself out of his arms and glared at Martin. "If it wasn't for me, Badrang would've escaped and you wouldn't've got your revenge!"

"Yeah, but you _died,"_ retorted Martin. "You are staying up here, and that is FINAL!!!"

"Yeah, and Bryony can't come either," said Veil. "Because last time she came with me _I_ died."

Bryony snorted. "Gee, thanks a lot."

"No problem."

"Let me come with you, Master!" cried Nightshade to Swartt. "Last time I didn't come with you, _I died as well!"_

Swartt rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. Like it would've made much difference if you _had_ come with me."

"Actually, it would have-"

"SHUT UP!" roared the author and Swartt.

So, in the end, all the males went downstairs, leaving the not-so-defenseless females upstairs.

"That's right!" snapped Mariel, Triss, Rose, Bryony, Predak, Nightshade, Vannan, and Ziral. "We're _not _defenseless!"

Bluefen, Cornflower, Kurda, and Lantur rolled their eyes.

"Watch it," growled Vannan. "You four are out-numbered! It'd be two on one!"

Kurda and Lantur glupped.

Bluefen and Cornflower stood fearlessly forward. "SO WHAT? WE CAN TAKE YOU ON IN A HEART BEAT!!!"

Gonff came running back in, shouting, "I heard another cat fight going on! Who's winning?!"

Realizing that they were satisfying Gonff's desire for his wife's presence by fighting each other, the females decided to try to get along for awhile.

"Go away, Gonff," said Triss. "There isn't going to be any cat fight."

Gonff's whiskers, ears, shoulders, and tail drooped. He looked so sad and comical that the females couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him.

"NOT ME!" shouted Vannan. Suddenly she was wearing a frilly pink dress.

"HEY!!" protested the vixen. She was changed back to her normal clothes.

"Good," said Vannan.

"Hey wait a minute!" objected Song. "How come _I'm_ not mentioned? Which group do I fall in?"

"In ours!" shouted Triss as she leapt forward and grabbed the abbess squirrel's paw.

"_No,_ she's an _abbess!"_ contradicted Cornflower, grabbing the squirrel's other paw. "She belongs with _us!"_

"No, she's mine!" squeaked Triss, pulling on Song's arm.

"No, she's mine!" squeaked Cornflower, pulling on Song's other arm.

"No, she's mine!"

"No, she's mine!"

"No, she's mine!"

"No, she's mine!"

"No, she's mine!"

"No, she's mine!"

Well, this went on for awhile.

Now, down to the basement. . . .

"Ublaz?" called Sunflash, waving his flashlight about. "Ublaz? Hey, guys look! There's his flashlight!"

Martin picked it up. All the malebeasts looked at each other. They all gulped.

"Uh," said Martin. "Well, I guess we better look for him. . . ."

"Eh, what's the point?" said Gonff, shrugging. "We all know we're not gonna find 'em."

"I agree," said Mokkan, heading for the stairs.

Suddenly a big heavy metal wall appeared before the stairs, blocking them.

"NO ONE LEAVES THIS BASEMENT UNTIL THEY FIND UBLAZ!" roared the author.

The malebeasts grumbled and started poking around the basement, not really trying to look.

**_"LOOK!!!"_** roared the author.

So the malebeasts started to look.

Mattemeo and Klitch were poking at a wooden box before it fell over. They both screamed like little girls and rushed over to Veil and hugged him. When they realized what they were doing, they stepped back, clearing their throats.

"Just making sure you're not scared," said Mattemeo, wiping his paws on his habit.

"Uh, yeah," said Klitch, nervously twisting his woven belt.

Veil stared. "Right."

Ascord walked over to what looked like a door. He began to reach for it, then put his paw down, giving the author a "yeah right" look before heading off. Gonff and the two Dans'-

"What two Dans'?" asked Dandin and Dannflor at the same time.

The author ignored them.

-Gonff and the two Dans'-

_"What_ two Dans'?" repeated Dandin and Dannflor.

The author stiffened, took a deep breath, and went on.

-Gonff and the two Dans'-

"You keep saying _'two Dans'! What_ two Dans?!" shouted Dandin and Dannflor.

_"If you can't figure it out,"_ growled the author. _"Then I won't tell you."_

That shut them up.

-anyway, they saw what the Marlfox had done, so they went over and opened the door.

Two pale, glowing orbs stared out at the mousethief and swordcarrier and flower.

**_"Hey!"_** shouted Dann, enraged. **_"Don't call me 'flower'!!!"_**

Whatever.

Sinister claws reached out and switched their flashlights off (which was really weird, because there were three flashlights to turn off, and only two sets of claws to switch them off, but I don't want to go into that).

_"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!"_ they screamed as the two flew across the basement and began pounding on the wall that hid the stairs. _"Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!"_

Martin went over to his best friend. "Best friend, what's wrong?"

Cluny and Gelltor and Badrang turned and saw the two glowing eyes and the sharp claws from the open door.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!" they screamed as they joined Gonff and the two Dans' in their actions.

All the other malebeasts simply stared at them, before looking at one another and nodding. They all went their separate ways, completely ignorant of the glowing orbs that watched them.

Mokkan turned to Slagar. "Hey, is it just me, or this a stupid story?"

Slagar laughed. "I know what cha mean. Woo, it's hot down here," he said, taking off his mask. He turned to Mokkan, "Yeah, this is the stupidest story of all time. But then again, it's better than being dead, then, isn't it? At least, well, there's that treasure thing around here, isn't there? Of course, we might not get it because the author doesn't like us that much. Of course, I've never really been very pleasant all my life. . . ."

Slagar continued on, oblivious to the fact that Mokkan was making weird faces at his own deformed one.

Finally Mokkan took a step back, trying to keep as much distance from the other fox's ugliness.

Unfortunately, Slagar took a step forward, still jabbering on.

Mokkan took another step back.

Slagar took another step forward.

This went on until Mokkan found himself backed up against the basement wall with Slagar standing REAL CLOSE to him.

"And then I said," said Slagar, leaning heavily against Mokkan and putting his arm on his shoulder while his other paw idly traced Mokkan's belt buckle. "'You can't possibly mean that I'm not your son! I mean, come on, Sela. I've got your huge tail.' Of course, she was very sensitive about her tail, so she ended up smacking me around for awhile. . . ."

Mokkan was now quite certain that if he didn't get away from Slagar soon, he'd vomit. But then again, he'd most probably vomit all over Slagar, so that wouldn't be so bad. . . .

Meanwhile, back upstairs, all the females were getting restless (and sick and tired of trying to be nice to one another).

"Maybe Ublaz went upstairs," suggested Rose, getting a candle. "I'll go and see."

"NO! DON'T!" screamed Cornflower, grabbing her leg. "Don't you know you should never go off alone in scarey movies?!"

"This isn't a movie; I'll be back in a couple of minutes," said Rose.

All the other females groaned and threw up their paws. "Don't say that!"

Rose scowled. "Fine, then, I won't go up."

"Triss, take Kurda and go upstairs to look for Mad Eyes," said the author.

_"Me?_ Why me?" cried Triss.

"And _me?"_ cried Kurda.

"Because I said so. NOW GO!"

The two maids sighed and headed out into the hallway. Triss walked ahead while Kurda lagged behind. However, after some lighting struck, the ferret princess practically ran to catch up with Triss and grabbed the squirrelmaid's arm.

Triss gave Kurda a weird look when she didn't let go.

"Don't think I'm gonna fall for one of your little fake scared things, again, missy," warned Triss.

"I wasn't fake scared!" protested Kurda. "I really _was_ scared. _Really _scared. And when I get _really_ scared I . . . I . . ." she trailed off, and began gasping for air as she stared horror-stricken up at the two glowing eyes looking down at them from the stairs.

Triss looked at Kurda. "What? What's wrong?"

Kurda began to babble as she tried to point at the two pale eyes.

"What? Tell me!" Triss said, shaking her.

Kurda continued on, her wide pink eyes never leaving the two glowing ones.

"What is it--?" Triss looked up and saw the eyes. "AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!"

The two shot off back down the hall into the dining room, where the males had returned. Slagar was ruefully wiping at his front, while Mokkan was just beginning to sit down, looking like he had just been violently sick.

"What? What is it?" asked Martin.

"Something attacked us!" squealed Triss in a girlish fashion.

"A monster! With fangs!" added Kurda.

"Two glowing pale eyes!" said Triss.

Gonff and Cluny and some of the other males squeaked and tried to run and hide, but Sunflash grabbed them all by their tails.

Nobeast bothered to ask how he did that.

Martin looked thoughtful. "Hmm, Gonff said that he saw two glowing pale eyes down in the basement."

"THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED!" screamed Cluny, swinging from his long tail.

"We know," sighed Vannan.

"Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to come here for the treasure after all," mused Veil, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

Ziral stared at him. "Gee, ya think?"

"Where are the two pale eyes?" Matthias asked Triss.

"Upstairs," breathed Triss.

"Okay," said the author. "Now, if all the malebeasts would--"

"NO!" screamed all the malebeasts. They didn't want to go on another stupid quest. Suddenly they were all wearing frilly pink dresses.

"HEY!" they protested. They were all put back in their normal clothes.

"Oh, Martin," cooed Rose. "You looked so _cute_ in that dress!"

Everybeast stared at her.

"Well, I thought he did!" Rose shouted.

The author sighed. "I think it's time for a chapter break."


	6. Bed Time

**Chapter 6: Bed Time**

"What's in here?" asked Matthias, opening a door. He peeked in and saw that it was a bedroom. "Hey, looky here! A bedroom!"

"We know," said Vannan, rolling her eyes.

_"How do you know?"_ challenged Matthias.

"The author already _told_ us, ding-a-ling!"

The warrior mouse blinked. "Oh."

"Hey wait a minute!" interrupted Badrang. "Where are we?"

Everybody-

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" snapped Dandin.

Fine. Every_beast_ stared at him.

"At who?" asked Badrang.

The author scowled. "Just get on with the story, okay?"

"Ok," said Badrang. "What I mean is, in the last chapter we were all in the kitchen and now where in a dank hallway filled with mist and a bunch of bloodcurdling moans and creepy backround music."

"Oh," said the author. "Whoops, kinda skipped a little, didn't we? Well, here's what happened between Chapter 5 and Chapter 6-"

"So then there's a chapter 5 and a half?" interrupted Mattemeo.

The author ignored him. ("Hymph!" said Matti) "You all went upstairs to investigate the two glowing eyes when--"

"AAUUGGHH!!" screamed Ascrod (there! I spelled his name right! Though I like the way how I spelled it _much_ better!), falling down and covering his head with his arms. _"Don't finish! Too scarey!"_

Everybeast stared at him.

"Ascord," said Cornflower.

**_"It's not ASCORD! It's ASCROD!"_** roared the author. **_"WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS BEFORE!!"_**

"Okay-hay," said Cornflower. "Chill out. Now then, As-_crod,_ we lived through this."

"Huh?" said the Marlfox, still crouched down on the floor.

"Remember when you said the story was too scarey? We lived through it, right?"

The Marlfox got off the floor. "Oh. Right."

"Well anyway," said the author. "You _didn't_ find the two eyes-"

"Why not?" asked Martin innocently.

"BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!" boomed the author. Then he continued on as though nothing happened. "So now you're all looking for places to sleep in for the night."

"For the night?!" cried Ferahgo. "Hasn't enough already happened for_ three_ nights to have passed?!"

"SHUT UP FERAHGO!"

Martin, Gonff, and Dan are in one room, while Rose is in another room.

"Why?" asked Martin.

"Huh?"

"Why is Rose in a separate room?"

"Be-cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz."

"Hymph!" said Martin.

"Wait, which Dan?" said Gonff.

"Huh?"

"Which Dan is sharing his room with us?"

"WHAT ARE YOU _TALKING_ ABOUT?!"

_"Dan!_ There's Dandin, and Dannflor! Which Dan??!"

"Both Dans, duh!"

"Oh. Then why didn't you say 'the two Dans' like in the last chapter?!"

The author groaned and hit his head on the keyboard, which caused a bunch of type-os, so the author ended up having to delete a whole bunch of stuff.

"I don't see any type-os," commented Mattemeo, looking at the text.

"Shut up."

Rose is sharing her room with Bryony.

"Not after what she did to Grandpa!" yelled Bryony.

"Whad I do?" Rose demanded.

"Don't you remember the beginning of Chapter Two?"

"No."

Bryony scowled.

Mariel will be sleeping with them.

"WHAT?!" screamed the three mousemaids. All of them, it seemed, seemed to have-

"Don't repeat yourself," lectured Rose.

"SHUT UP!"

"HEY! DON'T TELL MAH GIRL TO SHUT UP!!!" roared Martin.

A hammer appeared out of nowhere and bonked Martin on the head.

"Ow," groaned the warriormouse, rubbing his head.

"Now, anyway," said the author. Rose, Mariel, and Bryony all had a contempt for one another and didn't relish the prospect of sharing the same room.

"That's an understatement," growled the three micemaids. ("Micemaids." Never heard that before.)

"IT COULD BE WORSE!" shouted the author. "Oh yeah, and Song is sharing their room."

"WHAT?!" shouted all four, because four sharing a room is, well, you know, unless of course it's a sleepover-

"But it's not!" shouted all four females.

"IT COULD BE WORSE!" roared the author.

Matthias, Cornflower, and Mattemeo are in one room.

"What?!" cried Mattemeo, outraged he had to share a room with his parents. "Why?!"

"Family should stick together."

Ferahgo and Klitch are in another room.

"What?!" screamed the two weasels, especially Klitch.

"Family should stick together," mimicked Mattemeo.

"Shut up," said Klitch.

Triss and Kurda are in one room together.

"Okay," said the two calmly.

Everybeast stared at them.

"What?!" they demanded.

Mokkan, Gelltor, and Ascord-

"Hey! You misspelled my name again!" shouted Ascord.

"You did it again!" shouted Ascord.

"Stop!" shouted As-

**_"SHUT UP!" _**roared the marlfox.

Fine. Now, Mokkan, Gelltor, and As_crod_ are sharing one room.

"WHAT?!" screamed Mokkan.

"Heh heh heh. . . ." said his brothers, rubbing their paws together. They huddled together and planned all the mean, nasty things they were going to do to their brother.

Mokkan frowned dangerously at them, but they didn't notice, or care.

Predak, Vannan, Ziral, and Lantur are in another room.

The vixens scowled.

Cluny, Badrang, and Slagar are sharing one room.

"WHAT?!" they screamed.

"I DEMAND A LAWYER!" roared Badrang. "I AM NOT SHARING A ROOM WITH THOSE, THOSE . . . AAUUGGHH!!"

"Hey shuttup!" snapped Cluny.

"No, _you_ shuttup!" said Slagar to the very large rat.

Everybeast stared at him.

"What?" the masked fox demanded.

Sunflash and Deyna have their _own_ rooms.

"WHAT?!" screamed everybeast else.

Nightshade also has her own room, as does Swartt.

"WHAT?!" screamed everybeast who has to share their room.

Veil and Bluefen, however, are sharing their room.

"Ha ha!" said Klitch. "You have to sleep with _Mommy!"_

"You have to sleep with _Daddy,"_ retorted Veil.

Klitch screamed.

"Come on, boy," said Ferahgo, dragging his son into their room. "Let's get ready for beddy-by."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!" screamed Klitch.

"Dah, haha!" laughed Veil.

Bluefen grabbed his ear and twisted. "You get to bed immediately, young man."

"Yes, Mommy."

"How come Sunflash, Deyna, Nightshade, and Swartt all have thier own rooms?!" demanded Martin.

"Because that means that 13 rooms are being occupied," said the author eerily.

"So?"

"SO? Whad'ya mean _so?!"_ cried the author. "13! Doesn't that _mean_ anything to you?!"

"No."

"Of course not."

"What'd that supposed to mean?!"

"Shut up."

"I wish you wouldn't tell us that so much."

"STOP ASKING SUCH STUPID QUESTIONS AND MAKING SUCH STUPID REMARKS! NOW GO TO BED!"

"I thought we came up to find Ublaz," said Triss.

"You gave up. Now go to bed!"

"I'm not going to bed just yet," said Sunflash, heading downstairs.

"Why not?" called Triss.

"I'm going to make some warm milk to help me sleep!" replied the Badger Lord as he skipped downstairs.

And so, without further ado, everybody-

"That's _everybeast,_ stupid!" snapped Dandin.

Fine. Every_beast_ went to their rooms (except Sunflash-

"IF YOU START THAT AGAIN-!" warned all the other characters, who didn't want to reenact Chapter 1.

Fine. So they all went to their rooms. . . .

"Klitch, see what's in the closet," ordered Ferahgo lazily as he stretched out on his bed.

"I'm not opening that door!" said Klitch, looking fearfully at the closet door. On either side of the door were curtains.

"Why not? It's a perfectly ordinary door."

"In every scarey movie a guy walks over to a perfectly ordinary door and _out falls a body!"_

"You think there's a body in there?" cried Ferahgo. "Okay, okay, son. Look, see, _I'll_ open it."

Ferahgo got and opened the door. Klitch closed his eyes.

"There, you see?" said Ferahgo triumphantly. "Empty."

Slowly Klitch opened his eyes and looked in.

Ferahgo was right; it was empty.

The young weasel sighed. "Oh, I'm so ashamed of myself."

He slung the door shut.

That was when, from behind the curtains, Ublaz Mad-Eyes, all tied up, fell past Klitch (rubbing a little against his body), and landed on the floor.

Well, that was enough to make the poor weasel faint.

Ferahgo walked over to see what was the matter when he saw the pine marten.

"Well, where have you been?" he asked.

Ublaz stared up at Ferahgo with a look that said, "I'd tell you except I'm all tied up. Would you please remove the gag?"

"Hold on, hold on," said Ferahgo impatiently. "I gotta revive my son."

Ferahgo laid Klitch next to Ublaz on the floor. "Hey. Hey son. Hey, Klitch, wake up. It's time to get up."

Klitch didn't move. Ferahgo leaned forward so that their noses were almost touching. "HEY KLITCH! WAKE UP!"

The young weasel still didn't wake up.

Ferahgo thoughtfully stroked his chin. He looked questionably at Ublaz. "Maybe I should give him mouth-to-mouth?"

Immediately Klitch's baby-blue eyes opened. "Don't even think about it."

Ferahgo laughed.

Suddenly the lights went out. Ferhago and Klitch heard Ublaz give a muffled squeak of fright. Then they felt strong paws clamp over their mouths and cold knives against their throats.

"Well, would ya look at this?" said a voice. "Three vulnerable beauties. What are the odds?"

Klitch and Ferahgo's paws were tied to their waists and thick cloths were tied around their mouths. Klitch began to whimper with fright.

Ferahgo struggled against his bonds. Suddenly He was smacked upside the head and was out cold.

"Say goodnight, little baby Klitch."

All of Klitch's senses disappeared as he too was knocked unconscious. . . .


	7. A Ghost!

**Chapter 7: A Ghost!**

Triss the squirrelmaid tiptoed down to the kitchen where she was certain Sunflash was, making warm milk. When she opened the kitchen door. . . .

"Well, what happened?" asked Triss after several minutes.

"HUH?! Wha-wha-I-(yawn)," said the author.

Triss sighed. "Isn't it a little early to start getting bored?"

"No."

Triss sighed again.

And so Triss saw. . . .

"So, what did I see?" Triss wanted to know after a very long time.

"Huh?"

"Did you fall asleep again?!" cried the squirrelmaid, her tail bristling.

"No, I've got writer's block."

"Oh, that's too bad."

"I know. And people seem to like my fics better when they're longer."

"Yeah, well, don't worry. Writer's block doesn't last."

"That's what you think."

"What?"

"Whatever. Now. . . ."

And so Triss saw Sunflash, making warm milk on the rickety-looking stove. He didn't look up when she walked in.

"Hey Sunflash," smiled Triss, walking over. "Got any warm milk?

"Huh?" was the reply.

"I said have you got any warm milk?"

"Huh?" was the second reply.

"I said have you got any warm milk?"

"Huh?" was the third reply.

"I _said. . . ."_

". . . Huh?" was the 1,048th reply.

Triss scowled. "Y'know, if I told you the house was on fire, you'd say 'huh', huh?"

"Don't repeat yourself," said Sunflash gruffly, still not looking up from his warm milk.

For a moment, Triss was a little startled that Sunflash had finally said something else, but then became indignant at his gruff reply. "I _wasn't_ repeating my-"

"WHAT?!" roared Sunflash, only in fright, finally looking up. "WHAT'S ON FIRE?! THE HOUSE?! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE?!"

"S-Sunflash," said Triss, trying to calm the badger down. But there was no stopping the big blonde badger.

Sunflash paused. "'Blonde badger'?!"

"Well, you _do_ have that golden headstripe," said the author.

"Oh yeah," said Sunflash. "And it's so pretty too!" And suddenly, the fur on the golden headstripe grew _very_ long and tumbled about his shoulders. Sunflash whipped his head about, just like how those models do in the "After" shot after they put their shampoo/hair dye on. The golden hairs floated about Sunflash's head in a most disgusting manner that would've made even the sickest Mary-sue writer cry out "Bring us a basin! We're going to be sick!" (This line belongs to Roald Dahl, the creator of "Matilda" and "James and the Giant Peach.") Triss backed away, holding her paws up.

"Uh, yeah, Sunflash," said the author. "Now, why don't we get back to what we were doing a few minutes before, eh?"

"Huh?" was the reply.

Triss rolled her eyes.

Suddenly a script floated in front of Sunflash's face. That, along with his long golden hair, made him look like some snooty actor about to go on set.

Sunflash read the script _very_ carefully, and then nodded solemnly. He rolled up the script, calmly put it on the table, and then cleared his throat. Then:

"THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE! WAKE UP EVERYBODY! _THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!_ WATER! WATER! _WE NEED WATER! WATER!"_

And with that, the big badger went tearing around the house, yelling and screaming, his golden hair flying out behind him, grabbing huge buckets spilling with water and dousing everything in sight. Not only did the ghosts of the house come out to frown at the badger, but also the portraits on the wall frowned.

Triss watched it all, shaking her head.

Once Sunflash ran by carrying Matthias and Cornflower (Sunflash didn't pick up Mattemeo because Sunflash was mad at him for some reason).

Sunflash paused. "Why?"

"Eh?"

"Why am I mad at Mattemeo?"

The author sighed. "Just because, Sunflash. Just because. Now go back to running around and screaming."

"Okay. _AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _and with that, the badger went tearing back through the house.

Triss sighed and went back up to bed.

She was not in bed for long before Kurda spoke.

"I hate Mariel. You wanna know why? Because of her, the author made the limo sink to the bottom of a mudhole. And the limo had all our suitcases in it! I had all my clean clothes, and my toothbrush, and all my personal soap, and everything! Now I don't have any soap, I can't brush my teeth, and I have to wear the same clothes all over again! Do you realize that at this rate, we're all gonna stink really bad? Almost as bad as those three snakes did, eh, Triss?"

Triss didn't answer. She was too busy sticking out her bottom lip in annoyance.

"Triss? You asleep?" the Pure ferret whispered.

"No," was the irate reply.

"Didn't Sunflash's warm milk work?"

"I didn't _have_ any."

"Oh, well, maybe we should have some of Sunflash's warm milk," said Kurda, getting out of bed. She paused. "He's . . . still down there, right?"

"His body is," said the squirrelmaid with a shrug, not getting out of bed.

Kurda paled (if she can get any paler, since after all her fur is white). "BODY?!"

"Yeah," Triss said lazily. "His mind is _miles_ away."

Kurda laughed nervously. "Oh, Triss, honey, don't do that to me. I--"

"Did you just call me 'honey'?"

Both Triss and Kurda stared at one another, then Kurda hurried out the door. From behind the closed door, Triss heard the Pure ferret gasp in surprise and fright. The door flew open again, revealing a very disheveled-looking Kurda.

"Ah, heh," she said. "I forgot a light."

Kurda grabbed a flashlight and hurried out.

The hallway was dark and chilly and foreboding. Kurda was really beginning to consider if it was really worth it to get the warm milk. But she was already out here, and besides, what better way than to prove that she wasn't a coward?

"Yeah!" said Kurda brightly. And so she headed down the creepy hallway, walking along the blood-red carpet.

And right behind the ferret princess, a creepy figure covered in a thin white sheet stealthily followed her. . . .

Kurda paused at the top of the stairs and heard a heavy footstep behind her.

**_Creak!_**

The ferret's pink eyes darted back and forth, thinking, _Uh oh._

But nothing happened, so the princess started her descent. Strange, her footsteps seemed to sound a lot heavier than normal. . . .

**_Creak! Creak! Creak! Creak! Creak!_**

Once, Kurda was about to put her footpaw out when she heard the same heavy footstep on a stair.

**_Creak!_**

She hadn't put her's down yet!

Kurda remained stock-still, waiting.

Silcence. Nothing happened.

Kurda gulped, and continued down.

**_Creak! Creak! Creak!_**

Sweat began to pour down her forehead and back as the Royal Ferret slowly took one step after the other, the heavy footsteps sounding all around her.

**_Creak! Creak! Creak!_**

Just before she made it to the base, Kurda suddenly realized that maybe it was just the creaks of the old house that were making all that noise! Yes, that was it . . .

_Wait, _she thought,_ gotta make sure. . . ._

Kurda jumped the last two steps-

**_Klonk!_**

-and danced a little jig.

**_Stamp! Tappa tappa! Stamp! Tappa tappa! Tap tap! Stamp!_**

She lifted her footpaw into the air, as though to bring it down again, when she paused . . .

**_Stomp! Stomp!_**

. . . to hear two steps behind her!

Kurda's pink eyes widened.

She hadn't put her foot down.

And there had been two steps behind her.

That could only mean one thing.

Slowly, Kurda turned around . . .

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"** she took a deep breath.** "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"** Then she fainted.

The figure that had been stalking Kurda had turned around and run all the way back up the stairs and headed into Mattemeo's room.

Everybeast from all over the house came to see what was wrong. Kurda awoke and realized that she being held in Triss's arms.

"Are you alright?" the squirrelmaid asked gently.

"Yes, yeah, I-yeah," the ferretmaid replied as she hugged Triss.

Everybody else stared. "Aren't you two, like, sworn enemies?"

Triss and Kurda stared at Matthias, who had spoken.

"Well," said Martin brightly. "At least _one_ pair of girls can get along with each other."

"AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed a voice from upstairs.

Mattemeo came out on the landing, waving his arms, wearing a long white nightshirt. "DADDY! DADDY!"

"What is it now, son?" sighed Matthias.

"A GHOST! A VERMIN! HE'S GOT SHEETS ALL OVER HIS HEAD!"

"That's what _I _saw!" cried Kurda.

"C'mon!" cried Sunflash, dashing up the stairs, followed closely by everyone else.

"WAIT!"

Everybody--

"It's _everybeast,_ stupid!" snapped Dandin.

Fine. Every_beast _turned to Kurda.

"I don't want you guys to go up there," she said. _"Without me!"_

"C'mon! C'mon!" cried Matti as he disapeared back into his room.

The other characters _raced_ up the stairs, _rushed _through the hallway, and were _about_ to push open the door to Mattemeo's room, when-

_"Hold it right there!"_ a fierce, strong voice sounded from the room.

Everybeast stopped. Slagar, because he was in front of the group, decided that he ought to be the spokesbeast.

"I did?" asked the masked fox.

"Yes," said the author, not wanting to get into another argument.

"Okay," said Slagar. Then, standing forward, facing the slightly open room, he sucked in his gut and puffed out his chest and threw back his shoulders as he called to the speaker in the room.

"Come on out!" the masked fox called, his voice firm and commanding. "We know yer in there!"

"I knew it was you," scowled the voice. "I could smell yah gettin' off the elevator."

Pause. Blink. Confused glances exchanged. A few eyebrows lifted.

_(Pist! Hey reviewers! Just to let you know, in the Redwall TV series, Slagar is voiced by Tim Curry. If you've ever seen him in Home Alone 2, this scene will be a lot funnier.)_

"You was here last night, wasn't yah?" the voice demanded.

Slagar, because it was he who had spoken in the first place, answered, "N-well, actually," he paused; quite a few hours had passed by in this fic; maybe he _had_ been here last night.

"Maybe I was," he muttered thoughtfully to himself.

"You was here, and you were _smoochin'_ with my brother!"

Slagar laughed. "I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir," he said, as all the other beasts gave him weird looks.

"Don't give me that," the voice cried. "You've been smoochin' wid _everybody._ Fluffy, Hairball, Scruffstump, little Moe with the gimpy leg" _(pist! I can't remember all the names he used in the movie, so some of them are made up)_ "Cliptooth, Hairytail, _Ascrod. . . ."_

A gasp came from Ascrod.

_(Pist! There's a thing on the internet called "Ask Slagar" where he answers letters from various beasts, and in one of them, they asked him if he thought Ascrod was hot. I am merely gently teasing that. If you want to know, Slagar's answer was "Uhh... Ascrod is a guy.")_

All the others turned to Ascrod, their eyes wide.

"That's a lie!" the poor Marlfox cried, looking ready to cry. Mokkan especially looked at Ascrod in wonder and disgust (mainly because, remember what happened in the basement in Chapter 5?).

"I could go on forever, baby!" said the voice.

Slagar drew himself up with as much dignity as he could muster. "I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir," he growled, not liking the topic of the conversation.

"Get down on yer knees and tell me yah love me."

Slagar stared. Then, to everybeast's surprise (even his own), Slagar got down on both knees, and motioned for every other beast to follow. (If he was going to look like a fool, he wasn't doing it alone) Too stunned by what was going on, the rest all obeyed.

Slagar swallowed, then forced a winning smile. "I _love_ you!"

"You gotta do better'n _that!"_ warned the voice.

Slagar glanced at the others. **_"I LOVE YOU!"_** everybeast shouted, nodding eagerly.

"I believe yah," the voice said.

Everybeast breathed a sigh of relief.

"BUT MY REALLY BIG GUN DON'T!"

Well, a lot of eyes widened and a lot of breath was sucked back in.

"I'm gonna give you to the count of three," warned the voice. "To get yer ugly, yella, no-good keyster off my property, before I pump yer guts fulla lead! One, two, _three!"_

A whole bunch of shooting noises came from behind the door.

**_BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM!_**

Everybeast screamed and literally _dove_ for cover.

Manical laughter came from behind the door as the shooting continued.

**_"Bwahahahahahahaaaaaa!" BAMBAMBAM! "Bwahahahahahahahahhah!" BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM! "Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM! BAM BAM!_**

When it was all over, everybeast cautiously looked up.

Then Mattemeo poked his head out of the door.

"Merry Christmas, you filthy animal," he said, only with the manical voice they heard from earlier. **_BAMBAM!_** "And a happy New Year." **_BAM!_**

Then Mattemeo began laughing, with his real voice. _"Dah, ha ha! Video! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I GOT YOU! I got you all! Home Alone Video! Ah, hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah!!!!!"_

Everybeast got up and walked over to the laughing mouse. For a minute, they all gave him blazing stares. Then Slagar bunched him in the nose.

"Ow!" whined Matti, rubbing his nose.

"Matti!" lectured Matthias, shaking a finger, er, claw, er, whatever, at his son. "What have I told you about impersonating movie characters?!"

"You never have."

Matthias blinked. "Oh yeah. Right."

Sunflash stood forward (long hair gone, don't worry dear readers). "Matti, was there ever a ghost in your room?!"

"Oh, yes, there was! C'mon, he's still in there!"

Everybeast piled into Mattemeo's room. The TV was still on, with the screen paused so that it showed the crazy black-and-white man with the really big gun. Slagar winced and looked away. Quite a few of the others grinned evilly at him and nudged him.

_"Hey!"_ Slagar snapped. "You all made fools of yourselves, too!"

So they all decided to lay off.

"So what did we come in for, again?" asked Dandin.

"There was a _ghost_ in my room!" Mattemeo snapped, kicking Dandin in the shin.

"Ow!" Dandin cried, hopping about on one foot.

"Matti, where _is_ the ghost?" Matthias asked.

Mattemeo looked around the room and realized that the "ghost" was gone! All that remained of the "ghost" was the ragged bed sheet that was huddled up on one of the beds.

Sunflash walked over and picked it up. "Well, this explains the ghost."

"Hey, didn't Martin free all the ghosts?" asked Gelltor.

"No, you idiot!" snapped Mokkan impatiently. "He only freed _one_ of them! _Remembeeeeeeeeeeer?!"_

_"Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"_ shouted Gelltor as he tackled his brother to the ground. Soon both foxes were making the same shrieking sounds as leopards.

Every other beast began jumping up and down making monkey sounds.

"Hey!" objected Veil. "Mr. Author, you already did this! Remember, with me and Klitch?"

"So?" said the author as Mokkan and Gelltor continued rolling around on the floor. (Mokkan was the stronger and smarter of the two, so of course he was gaining the upper paw, but then Ascrod jumped in and helped Gelltor.)

"So?!" cried Veil, outraged that the author should recycle a scene he's already done (especially when it was already done by the author's favorite character!)

"Say," said Martin, who had just realized something. "Where _is_ Klitch?"

"And Ferahgo?" said Lantur.

Everyone-

"That's every_beast,_ stupid!" snapped Dandin.

Fine. Every_beast_ looked around. The two weasels were nowhere to be seen.

"Everyone," said Triss-

"THAT'S EVERY_BEAST, _STUPID!" shouted Dandin. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!"

Triss punched Dandin.

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww," moaned Dandin. He looked at Mariel for sympathy, and received a disgusted glance.

"Every_one,"_ said Triss, giving Dandin a glance that said "I can say whatever I &#$ well please," and standing forward again. "I think I'm beginning to see a pattern. First Ublaz disapears, now Ferahgo and Klitch."

"Yeah?" said Martin, nodding.

"That can only mean one thing," the squirrelmaid said, holding up a claw.

A long silence.

_"Yes?"_ said Martin, who decided the silence had gone on long enough.

"We are being attacked by . . . fangirls."

Silence. Then:

"What?" asked Martin.

"Don't you _see?"_ cried Triss.

"Nooooooo."

"What do Ublaz Mad Eyes, Ferahgo the Assassin, and Klitch all have in common?"

"Wonderfully ravishing good looks," said Kurda dreamily, looking at Veil.

"Exactly!" exclaimed Triss. "The fangirls are stealing away all of the cute guys to satisfy their fangirlishness!"

Everyone (except Kurda, who was nodding in agreement) stared at Triss like she had lost her mind.

Cornflower stood forward. "Alright, how much candy have eaten?"

"I'm telling the truuuuuuuuuuuth!" whined Triss. "Mr. Author! Back me up!"

"No comment," said the author.

"WHAT?"

"No comment."

"GRRRR!"

"Now, now, Triss," said Deyna. "Why don't you go off to beddy-by and--"

_"You'll be next!"_

"Wha--?"

"You're handsome, too!"

"Why thank you."

"The fangirls will take you, Deyna!" Triss screamed crazily.

"And you!" she said, pointing at Martin.

"And you!" she said, pointing at Matthias.

"And you!" she pointed at Veil.

"And you!" she pointed at Mokkan.

"And you!" she pointed at Mattemeo.

"And you!" she pointed at Gelltor.

"And you!" she pointed at Ascrod.

"And you!" she pointed at Swartt.

"Even me?" asked Dandin and Dannflor eagerly.

Triss considered them for a moment, then said, "Maybe . . ."

"HA!" said Dandin and Dannflor, looking at Mariel and Song.

"Wha . . .?" said Mariel and Song, bewildered.

"What about me?" asked Gonff indignantly.

"Nah, you're too fat."

"What?! Am not!"

"You are too."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"R-2 D-2, where are you?" said Gonff, mimicking 3PO's voice.

Silence.

Then Nightshade sat down on the floor and began to toss her shells up in the air, mumbling to herself.

"Are you going to start that all again?!" cried Mariel.

"Many terrible things are going to happen tonight," chanted Nightshade. "Dandin is going to find out Mariel's true feelings for him; Bluefen is going to kill Kurda for flirting with Veil; Triss is going to sword-fight Martin and lose; Gonff is going to pretend he can't open the door to get us into the house tonight; Mattemeo is going to try to kiss Rose but will kiss someone else; Matthias and Cornflower will kiss each other; Deyna isn't given very parts in this story; and Swartt and Sunflash will do the unthinkable together."

Silence. Dead silence.

Gonff was the first to break it. "Um, that part about me, I think you're a little late in that."

"I know," sighed Nightshade. "This happens sometimes."

"And about that part about me not having a very good part in this story," said Deyna. "That wasn't a prediction! That was an opinion!"

"Yeah, I know," said Nightshade calmly.

"WAIT!" shouted Bluefen. "Kurda has been_ flirting_ with VEIL?!"

Kurda yelped and tore like heck out of the room, with Bluefen hot on her heels.

"HEY!" said Matthias joyfully. "Cornflower, you want to kiss?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

This went on for awhile.

Finally Dandin smiled at Mariel. "So, what are your feelings?"

Mariel stared at him. "What feelings?"

"For me, of course."

"Oh, Dandin," said Nightshade. "Mariel's not in love with you."

_"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!"_ said Mariel. "Gross, Dandin! You're like my brother! Eeew!"

Dandin looked as though he had just been slapped. "But . . . but I . . . I . . . I. . . ."

Dandin ran off, crying like a baby.

Mariel shook her head in revulsion. "Ew. Y'know, if I was going to get together with someone, he'd have to be_ tougher_ than me! Dandin is _not_ tougher than me!"

"So true," agreed Song, glancing contemptuously at Dann.

"Hey!" objected the irate squirrel.

"Well it's _true!"_ Song shouted. "I can't believe people would actually think that _I_ could be _attracted_ to _you!_ I mean, c'mon, Dann, you're really not all that attractive."

"Hey!" objected the insulted flower-squirrel.

**_"HEY! WHAT HAVE I TOLDYOU ABOUT CALLING ME 'FLOWER'?!!"_**

"Ah, go whine to your mother; she named you, didn't she?"

Dann blinked. "Hey yeah! I have a bad mother!" Then he broke down crying. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Veil and Matti snickered at him. Then Matti turned to Rose, a big smile on his face.

"Hey Rose," said Mattemeo, walking toward her with open arms.

Martin stepped in between them. Then Martin realized just exactly what he was doing, so he grabbed Triss and shoved her into Mattemeo's arms before the young mouse could d anything. Mattemeo kissed her.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!" screamed Triss, punching Mattemeo so hard he head whirled around like how Woody's did from Toy Story.

Triss turned fiery eyes to Martin. "YOU--!"

Both Triss and Martin drew their swords and fought. A lot of furniture ended up getting broken and smashed to pieces.

"Augh!" screamed a lot of the other beasts.

"Run!" sombeast shouted.

"Who?" said Dann.

"Huh?" said the author.

"Who shouted 'Run'?"

The author sighed. "Oh, I don't know-"

"But you're the author!" said Mattemeo, all smug-like.

"Shut up Matti!"

"No, _you _shut up!"

The author sighed again. "We've been here before."

So, to avoid further argument, a piece of duct tape appeared across Matti's mouth was a sign on it that said, "DO NOT REMOVE."

Naturally, Matti was enraged, and tried in vain to remove the tape.

Veil sighed and shook his head. "Mr. Author, you already did _that,_ too."

"Shut up."

Finally, in the end, Triss stood over Martin with her swordpoint on his chin.

"Hey wait a minute!" cried Martin to Nightshade. "You said that Triss would loose!"

"I guess I musta made a mistake," shrugged Nightshade.

"Welp, that's that," said Bluefen, returning into the room, brushing her hands.

"Mom," said Veil slowly. "You didn't--_really_--kill Kurda . . . did you?"

"What? Oh, heavens to Betsy, son, what would give you such a ridiculous notion?"

That was when Kurda walked in, wearing the dorkiest-looking outfit the reader can ever imagine, looking very unhappy.

Everybeast stared at her, then burst into laughter. Dandin came running in.

"What'd I miss? What'd I miss?" When he saw Kurda, he roared with laughter.

Three hours later the laughter began to reside.

Then another three hours later the giggling finally stopped.

Then there was silence.

"There's a lot of silence in this story, isn't there?" said Bryony.

"Yes, there is," said the author.

"Hey, why wasn't there a prophecy about me?" Bryony wanted to know.

"Or me?" demanded Slagar.

"Or me?" demanded Cluny.

"Or me?" demanded Badrang.

"Or me?" demanded Mokkan.

"Or me?" demanded Gelltor.

"Or me?" demanded Lantur.

"Or--"

"Or anyone else?" interrupted Bryony, who didn't want them all to separately ask.

"I couldn't think of one," said the author.

"Hey," said Mattemeo. "It said that Swartt and Sunflash would do the unthinkable. What are they gonna do?"

"It is something that none of you can think of." said the author.

"Oh, does that mean that my dad and Sunflash are gonna become friends and save us all from whoever's capturing us?" said Veil in an ever so innocent, conversational, earnest, guileless tone.

Silence. Dead silence.

"Uh, Mr. Author?" said Veil.

"Who told?" whispered the author.

"Who told me what?"

"He means that you guessed what Swartt and Sunflash are gonna do, silly!" said Bryony.

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," said everybeast.

"Well, go to bed! Alla ya!" snapped the author. "We need to get the story movin'!"

So everybeast went to bed. But not before Bluefen took Kurda off to the side and whispered, _"You come near my baby, you die."_

"Yes ma'am," Kurda replied meekly.

So they all returned to their beds.

In their bedroom, Triss whispered to Kurda, "Hey, you never got your warm milk, did you?"

"No," said Kurda. "But right now I'd rather stay awake."

In his room, Deyna was trying in vain to turn the water faucet on in his room. So he reached outside his window and got water from the rain.

"Just the way I like it," he said to himself. "Fresh water from outside. Ahhhhhh."

The otter turned away from the window and headed toward the wardrobe. He opened it to reveal Ublaz, Ferahgo, and Klitch, all tied up and gagged, hanging by their shirt collars (actually Ferahgo wasn't wearing a shirt, so he was hanging by his crossbelts instead) on the coat racks. All three looked pleadingly at him.

Deyna blinked. "There's a point to this; I just know it."

The lights went out.

A paw clamped over Deyna's mouth.

A cold blade pressed against his throat.

"Be still, otter, or else!" growled a voice.

Deyna felt his wrists being securely tied to his waste and a thick cloth being wrapped around his mouth.

Triss's warning words sounded in his head before he was knocked out.

_You'll be next. You're handsome, too._

_Fangirls. . . ._

_And I never really got a real good part in this story, _was the last thing Deyna thought before darkness overtook him.


	8. The Unthinkable

**Chapter 8: The Unthinkable**

"Hm, I wonder how I can make this longer without repeating myself?" grumbled the author, rubbing his chin.

At this, all of the slumbering animals opened one eye and _stared._

"At what?" asked Matti.

"And how do I do something that's 'something bad' in Adverk's opinion? I wanna show 'im up."

"He's at it again," grumbled Mokkan as he pulled his pillow over his head.

Gelltor, turning over in his bed so that he was facing Ascrod's bed, gestured at his younger brother. Ascrod stared at Gelltor, not comprehending. Then Gelltor pulled out from under his pillow a Cool Whip container, and gestured at Mokkan, a sneaky smile on his face.

Ascrod stared at his brother, still not comprehending.

Gelltor scowled.

Meanwhile, in the room that contained Badrang, Cluny, and Slagar (all the bad guys that have made it to the TV series), were all sleeping in their beds. Or at least Cluny and Slagar were _trying_ to.

"I can't understand just_ why _Martin was so upset with me about taking his sword," complained Badrang, lying in his bed. "I mean, c'mon, he was a little kid playing with a sharp pointy object! He could've gotten hurt! And besides, the sword looked better on me. I'm _much_ more attractive than Martin. Lookit how I was animated in the TV show! I was HOT!"

At this, Cluny and Slagar exchanged weird glances.

Meanwhile, Martin, Gonff, and the two Dans were lying in bed. Gonff was the only one who was trying to get some sleep.

"I don't see why I have to go through all this," complained Martin. "All I wanted was a sword, and everyone makes me go through all these horrid little adventures, filled with pain, suffering, loss, and unending angst! I hate it! I really do!"

"I don't see how people could ever think I could be attracted to Song," grumbled Dann, still smarting from the last chapter. "I mean, she sang too much. And she had those goofy eyelashes. Really stupid. Really, really, _really_ stupid. Huh!"

"I hardly think that Mariel should act all high and mighty," mumbled Dandin, still smarting from the last chapter. "I mean, c'mon, who's ever going to be attracted to her? I'm the only guy out there who's ever gonna like her! Well, except maybe an occasional rat, but. . . ."

Gonff stuffed his head under his pillow, wishing for Columbine to be here.

"Say, Mr. Author," said Sunflash. "What's up with the chapter title: The Unthinkable? What's up with that?"

"Something unthinkable is going to happen in this chapter. Or at least, _one_ of the reviewers will think its unthinkable."

"MARTIN/COLUMBINE!" screeched Gonff.

"Wha-?"

"THERE'S GONNA BE A ROMANCE FIC WHERE COLUMBINE GETS HOOKED UP WITH MARTIN! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everyone-

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" snapped Dandin.

Fine. Every_beast_ stared at Gonff.

"But we're all in different rooms," said Mariel.

Or they all stared in the general direction where his voice came in through the walls.

Just then Triss and Kurda heard Cornflower's screams. The mousemaid burst into their room, wailing hysterically.

"Matthias and Mattemeo! Matthias and Mattemeo! Matthias and Mattemeo! Matthias and Mattemeo!" she took a deep breath. "Phew! That's a mouthful!"

"What's wrong?" asked Triss, getting up and seating her on the bed.

"Matthias and Mattemeo and I were all sharing a room and suddenly it was all dark and I heard these voices and then the lights came on _and my husband and baby were gone!!!!!!!!"_

"See? I told you," said Triss. "Fangirls got um."

Bryony, Rose, Song, Mariel, Predak, Vannan, Ziral, Lantur, and Nightshade came in.

"What's all the screaming about?" asked Rose.

"Oh, the fangirls got Matthias and Matti," said Triss calmly.

Cornflower wailed.

"Gosh, I better check on Veil!" cried Bryony as she hurried out.

"I better check on Lord Sixclaw!" cried Nightshade as she followed.

"Maybe I should check on Martin," said Rose, who sounded more suspicious than worried. . . .

* * *

Both Bryony and Nightshade found themselves at the same door.

They both stared at each other. They asked the other if they going to go check on who they said they were.

"I am," they both said at the same time.

Then they both figured out that the door they were standing in front of led to the room Veil and Swartt were sleeping in.

They carefully opened the door, quietly so that they didn't wake anyone.

And this is what they saw:

Upon a bed was Swartt Sixclaw, lying on his back. On his right was Bluefen, who had her arm across his chest. On Swartt's left was Veil, who looked like he was hugging his father with one arm, while holding his mother's paw with his other arm. All three were fast asleep and snuggled very close to each other.

"Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa," said a voice over Bryony and Nightshade. They jumped, and looked up to see that Sunflash was looking over their heads at the three sleeping ferrets.

"I want that," said the big badger longingly.

_"What?"_ asked both mousemaid and vixen.

Both were quite surprised and somewhat alarmed when Sunflash picked them up and got into bed with the Sixclaws. Soon all six were all nice and warm and sleeping and snuggled very close to one another. Well, Bryony was still awake.

"Um, Mr. Author?" said Bryony.

"Yes?"

"Did you change your mind about Swartt and Sunflash doing the unthinkable together?"

"No. I had this planned out all alone."

Bryony blinked. "But, but Veil. . . ."

"Oh, him and I were in on it."

Bryony scowled. "You are such a bad author."

Whatever.

* * *

Now then, dear reviewers, I must confess: I am running out of ideas. I NEED YOUR HELP.

1) What next do you want to see happen?

2) What do you think Gelltor is going to do with the cool whip?

3) What do you suppose is "something bad"?

4) Who has ever thought of Martin/Columbine?

Remember, I am depending on YOU.


	9. What Voices?

_Before we begin, I just want to pause and THANK you ALL for reviewing for this stupid, unfunny fic. And most of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the wonderful ideas you gave me! I think you all saved this fic from going down in rubble. _

_Well, on with the show:

* * *

_

**Chapter 9: What Voices?**

Triss, Kurda, Song, Mariel, and the Marlfox sisters were all trying to comfort Cornflower, who was sobbing uncontrollably.

"There, there," said Kurda, patting Cornflower on the back. And, because she couldn't think of anything else to say, repeated herself.

"Yes I did!" objected Kurda.

"You did what?" asked Mariel.

"I'm talking to the author," said Kurda. She turned to the author. "I _did_ think of something else to say!"

"Okay, then, what is it?" inquired the author.

Kurda opened her mouth to say it, but then closed it.

_"D'uh!"_ she said. "You made me forget it, you big, stupid, big-nosed--!"

"SHHHHH!" said Triss, covering her mouth.

Just then Cluny and Slagar came in.

"Hey," said the big rat cheerfully. "We just heard somebeast arguing with the author and thought we'd join in. MR. AUTHOR, YOU ARE A BIG, FAT, UGLY, HAIRLESS, TAILLESS, BLOOD-SUCKING FREAK OF NATURE!!!"

Everybeast (except Cluny) gasped.

The author remained silent.

Next thing everybeast knew, Cluny was wearing a pink frilly dress with a gigantic pink bow on top of his head, and several other pink bows on his tail.

"HA!" said the author.

"Da, haha! Ah ha, ha ha ha!" laughed Slagar.

"He said that you were a bad writer, Mr. Author!" accused Cluny, pointing at the masked fox.

"Wha--no I didn't!" yelped Slagar.

The fox disappeared in a puff of red and violet smoke.

"Where did he go?" asked Cornflower.

"That's for me to know, and for you to find out," said the author smugly.

"And the audience," said Matthias, who had just walked in with Mattemeo.

Cornflower gasped when she saw her husband and son walk in, well and completely unharmed. She hurried over to them, as though she were about to embrace them. . . .

But then she began to smack them around.

"WHERE THE HECK WERE YOU TWO?!" she roared. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I WAS? WHY CAN'T I HAVE A THOUGHTFUL, CARING, LOVING HUSBAND AND SON LIKE BLUEFEN? WELL? WHERE WERE YOU TWO, HUH?!"

"Well, they would tell you, if you'd stop kicking them," said Rose, rolling her eyes.

"YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?!" roared Cornflower.

"YEAH!" Rose roared, sticking up her fists, "STICK 'EM UP!"

Just then Martin, Dann, Dandin, and Gonff came rushing in.

"What's going on?" cried Martin worriedly. "We just heard the sounds of another cat fight going on!"

"Yeah! Didn't want to miss out!" grinned Gonff, rubbing his paws gleefully.

Everybeast stared at Gonff.

"Well, actually," said Dandin. "Me and Martin were worried that it was Mariel and Rose."

Mariel cocked an eyebrow. Dandin blushed. (The author can't hardly think of a reason why)

"Well, actually," said Martin. "I came in because earlier I heard Cornflower ranting and raving about fangirls taking Matthias and Mattemeo, and how Bryony and Nightshade were going to check on Veil and Swartt and I thought I might wait for Rose to come check on me. Which reminds me," he said, glaring at Rose. "How come you didn't come to check on me?"

"Well, why would I?" demanded Rose, looking suspicious. "You said you don't have any fangirls, so why should I worry? You don't have any fangirls, _do you?"_

Martin, who had been for the first time thinking that he could finally claim to be the victim in their relationship, suddenly paled.

"Uh, excuse me?" said Cornflower. "Lets not get distracted from the real problem here."

"Real problem?" cried Rose.

"Yes; where were you two," she said, looking at her husband and son, who were still on the floor, "all this time?"

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm. . . ." said Matthias.

"Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. . . ." said Mattemeo.

"Oh, so you mean that your dysfunctional relationships are more important than mine?" demanded Rose.

_"Duh,"_ said Cornflower. Then, completely ignoring the other mousemaid, turned to her spouse. "Where were you?!"

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm. . . ."

Cornflower scowled. Then she turned to her offspring. "Where were you?!"

"Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. . . ."

"Oh, for heaven's sakes! Mr. Author!"

"They were sneaking into the kitchen eating cake," said the author lazily, for the current story line was starting to bore him.

"WHAT?!" shouted Cornflower.

Matthias and Jr. cringed.

"YOU KNOW THAT YOU BOTH ARE ON A DIET! WHAT--DO YOU THINK THAT I--GRRRRRRRRRRR!" the mousemaid was clearly deranged. "I COOK, AND I CLEAN FOR YOU WARRIORS! AND ALL I ASK IN RETURN IS FOR YOU NOT TO CHEAT ON YOUR DIETS! AND TO CLEAN YOUR ROOMS! AND TO WEED AND WATER THE GARDEN! AND TO DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! AND TO FIX THE GUTTERS AND THE ROOF! AND TO SWEEP THE FLOOR! AND TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK! IS THAT ALL TOO MUCH TO ASK?!"

"Yes," answered both warrior mice.

Everyone else flinched and braced themselves for the tidal wave of fury that they thought would fall upon the two mice.

But it never did.

"It is?" asked Cornflower.

"Yes, it is," her husband and son reassured her.

"Oh, okay," said the homemaker calmly. "How about we forget the diet and you can do all the other stuff, ok?"

"Okay."

"Good."

"Now, who wants some CAKE?" screamed Matthias as he raced back downstairs.

Mattemeo began to follow, eager for more, but his mother stopped him.

"You just had some!" she objected.

"But mom," whined Mattemeo. "Then we weren't _allowed_ to have it. This is different because we actually allowed to have it! So that other time didn't count."

"Oh, okay." So Cornflower let her son go and stuff his face some more.

Then after awhile, Cornflower decided that she wasn't going to let them have all the cake! So she raced down into the kitchens to stuff her face as well.

Let's see, what did the reviewers want to happen next?

"Huh?" said everybeast.

"Nuh uh," said Dandin. "Not everybeast is here."

Fine. Everybeast _present_ said "Huh?"

"Ah, do we have to say it all over again?" whined Danfflor.

"Hey you misspelled my name!" cried the outraged flower-squirrel.

"DON'T CALL ME 'FLOWER-SQUIRREL'!"

Whatever.

"Oh, shut up! You're a bad author!"

"THAT'S IT! PUNISHMENT FOR YOU, DANNFLOWER!"

And before the squirrel could say anthing-

"Nyah!" said Dann. "There! I said something!"

The author fumed, and suddenly the doors burst open.

Everyone-

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" snapped Dandin.

Fine. Every_beast_ screamed.

"Why?" asked Martin.

"MARY SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Rose.

Indeed it was.

There she stood, sparkly-eyed and shiny-furred and skinny-limbed.

It was a squirrel-sue.

Naturally she was very young, probably about 15 or 16 (eh, seasons old, that is). And very beautiful. _In fact,_ the author went on, starting to become infected by the Sue's power: _she was the most beautiful creature ever. Her lovely silky glossy lustrous shiny flowy fur changed color with the day and the seasons: _

_In the spring her fur was a deep golden color in the day, and a dusky cream at night._

_In the summer her fur was fiery crimson in the day, and black with sparkling white spots at night._

_In the autumn her fur was a wondrous red-gold in the day, and a brilliant copper-red at night._

_In the winter her fur was a glittering silvery-gray in the day, and a ravishing snowy-white at night._

_Her eyes also changed color along with the day and the seasons:_

_In the spring her eyes were amethyst-violet in the day, and aquamarine at night._

_In the summer her eyes were bright emerald in the day, and blazing sapphire at night._

_In the autumn her eyes were shining amber in the day, and rich gold at night._

_In the winter her eyes were sky-blue in the day, and fathomless black at night._

_Her clothes also alternated with the day and seasons:_

_In the spring she wore a purple tunic with a pink sash in the day, and a pale blue-green tunic at night._

_In the summer she wore a bright green tunic in the day, and a deep blue silver-trimmed tunic at night._

_In the autumn she wore a ruddy orange black-trimmed tunic in the day, and a golden-yellow tunic at night._

_In the winter she wore a pale blue tunic in the day, and a black tunic embroidered with gold at night._

_And soooooooooooooo_ooooooooooooooooooo," the author groaned, pulling himself out of the spell which the sue had thrown upon him momentarily, "there stood a Sue in the doorway."

And she had her eyes on Dannflor.

The poor squirrel in question got a glazed look all over his face. In fact, he looked rather like a perfect idiot, with drool pouring down his chin. Little hearts were flying around his head and a weird harp music was playing somewhere.

Song frowned. She didn't like where this was going.

"Ohhhhh," squealed the Sue, her already-freakishly large eyes going even bigger. "Are you Dannflor Reguba? I'm a _big fan!"_

_"Augh!" _screamed Triss. "A Mary-sue and Fangirl rolled into one! We're doomed! _Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooomed!"_ she howled, grabbing hold of Kurda. The two held each other and sobbed helplessly.

Song stood forward boldly, her eyes narrow slits, glaring at the squirrelmaid.

"Who are you?!" she demanded, all abbess-like and commanding.

"Oh, ha ha, how silly of me," laughed the squirrelmaid, her voice far sweeter and melodious-er ("Is that a word?" said Vannan. "It is now," said the author) than Song. Song's voice, compared to this squirrel's, was as bad as . . . as. . . .

"As Dotti's voice," said Mariel, grinning grimly (my thanks to Catty Enlges, who figured out that Mariel and Dotti wouldn't get along).

Yes, as a bad as Dotti's voice.

The squirrelmaid fluttered her extra-long sooty-black eyelashes and purred (if it's possible for a squirrel to purr), "My name is . . ." she paused for dramatic effect.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?!" Song snapped, already falling under the Suish spell where Canon heroines become really mean and nasty just so that the Sue will appear even more nicer and all the boys will like her better.

"Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye the Warrioress." (It's actually supposed to be 'Warriormaid', but the Sue overlooked that, as she does a lot of things.)

Oh by the way, Linwe Seregon is 'Mary Sue' in Elvish (My thanks to Tierney Beckett, a fanfic author in the LotR Fandom), and if you take the first letters of the rest of her names, you'll get 'Mary Sue' _twice._ So this Sue is three Sues rolled into one!

Song stiffened and her ears perked when she heard "Swifteye" in the Sue's name.

"Swifteye?" she said slowly, still disliking where this was all going.

"Oh yes!" squealed the Sue as she rushed over to Song and seized her paws in a vice-like grip that belied her small paws and delicate wrists. "I was stolen from my family when I was only a babe by the Marlfoxes and was raised in slavery, forced to endure back-breaking labor," she explained, tears spilling forth from her disproportionately large eyes shining like flashlights (as Laburnum Steelfang so intelligently put it), never once making them red and puffy or the fur on her face wet or matted.

"I was whipped and beaten so many times! So many times! _So many times!"_ the Sue wailed, and went on for another few more hours, going into tragic detail of how the Marlfoxes "stole her childhood."

The Marlfox sisters bristled, muttering amongst each other, "Sure, we were bullies and we needed to be stopped and all that, but my, she's being a little graphic, don't you think? We didn't whip the slaves till they . . . well, yeah . . . and I seriously doubt that Mokkan would find this squirrel attractive enough to. . . . well, you know. . . ."

The Sue went on, holding onto Song's paws, while the poor abbess was vainly trying to pull herself free. Finally, the Sue got to the point: "And then finally I escaped the island after they had beaten me nearly to death and I swam to shore after beating up all the pike in the lake ("Is that even possible?" Lantur muttered. "No," said Ziral.) and I've been wandering around without any trouble until finally I ended up at Redwall where Cregga gave me the Sword of Martin to bring back an army to save all the slaves and have revenge on the Marlfoxes who were jealous of my perfect wondrous lovely incredible beauty that stole my childhood, and guess what Song?!"

Song stared, praying that what she thought was going to happen next wouldn't happen.

_"We are twin sisters!"_ the Sue screeched gleefully, jumping up and down.

Song stared, standing stock-still. Then her face crumbled and she began bawling like a baby.

"Heck, _I'd_ cry if she were _my_ sister," grumbled Mariel.

"Oh Song, don't cry!" the Sue pleaded, although she was very pleased, because it gave _her_ a reason to cry again.

And so both squirrelmaids sobbed on eachother's shoulders, the Sue because she thought it a 'happy family reunion', and Song because she thought it the worst thing that's ever happened to her.

Suddenly the Sue-

"Stop calling me 'Sue'!" the squirrelmaid cried angerly _(justifiedly angerly_). "My name is Linwe Sergon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom-"

"Yeah yeah yeah," said the author. "Get to the point."

So the Sue-

_"Hey!"_

Ok fine. _Linwe-_

"That's better."

-turned to Dannflor.

"Oh Dannflor!" she cried. "My soulmate! I knew we'd be together someday! My seer powers told me so!"

Song came to her senses and planted herself firmly between Dann and Linwe.

Linwe looked surprised. (Strange for a Sue to be surprised, huh?)

"Sister," she said. "Dear sister, why are you standing there like that? Dannflor is my soulmate. My seer powers gave my visions and dreams of the day we'd share the rest of eternity together. . . ."

And with that, the Sue went on another tangent on how she once had a lover who looked exactly like Dannflor only he was killed by Mokkan and now she was with her soulmate blah blah blah. . . .

Song had been stepping side to side, unwilling to let the Sue touch Dann. "I don't care!" she snapped harshly.

Linwe, however, just kept on talking, thus proving she not only had seer powers, but also the power to talk for long periods of time without pausing to take a breath.

"So please, dear sister," said Linwe, still trying to step past Song. "Let me be with my soulmate."

Meanwhile all the others had been watching, some stunned, some amused, some completely disgusted.

"Well, let's see, now," said the author. "Who else do I have left to write about?" 

There's Gonff, Martin, Rose, Mariel, Dandin, and who else?

Predak, Vannan, Ziral, gorgeous Lantur. . . .

(Predak, Vannan, and Ziral grunted.)

Mokkan, Gelltor, and Ascord are forgotten at the moment. . . .

"Where are they?" asked Predak.

"Don't know," said the author. "Now who else do we have to write about?"

Triss, Kurda (who were still weeping about how they were all doomed), and. . . .

"ME!" shouted Cluny, just like how Reese Weitherspoon (I have no idea how to spell her name so sue me) did in Legally Blonde. And he was still wearing that pink dress with all the bows.

"WHAT ABOUT ME?!" screamed Badrang, running in, wearing a long white nightshirt.

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Martin growled and flung himself on the stoat.

Chapter break.

* * *

**!!!!!!!OH! OH! ONE MORE THING!!!!!!!!!** And that is for **Sorcha O'Reily:** What voices? 


	10. New Characters!

**Blissey:** That's it? Just 'hopefully you'll use my idea'? WELL! I'm insulted that you didn't even consider the REST of Chapter 9 good enough to be commented on! (But that doesn't mean I won't use your idea!)

**Sorcha O'Reily:** WHO CARES ON THE LENGTH?! WHAT ABOUT THE _QUALITY?!_ Ahem. Sorry. BUT, I must say, I thank you very much for reviewing. Thank you SO much. But wait! About something I read on your bio: about why do people say how much they love Jesus? Well, maybe, because, they DO? Maybe they've realized that they are sinners in need of a Savior and that Christ is their Savior, that he humbled himself by leaving his thrown in heaven and taking on our flesh and living the perfect life and going through ultimate humiliation and being nailed on the cross and taking on God's wrath for our sins . . . maybe they all realized that, and are so grateful to Him that they just want to find some way of telling others what he's done?

**Adverk:** What you said in your last review:

_"I did. It was bound to happen because:_

_- Martin is a mouse  
- Columbine is a mouse  
- Gonff can't be hanging around for ever  
- Martin must have hormones, unless he happened to have been stabbed "down there" in the fight against Badrang  
- BJ didn't mention it, so we take it as having not happened_

_How cute. They need a family moment._

_You could also enlist the help of Lady Storm, the writer of the fanfic known as "Of Warriors and Pudding". Half the time I read it, I was suffering from asphyxiation as a result of laughing too hard. The other half of the time, I had passed out from lack of oxygen._

_By the way, I read your other stories and I think they're quite good."_

Adverk, are you saying that Martin and Columbine commited adultery?! EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW! That's sick! And besides, that is NOT what I meant! (But then again, that's probably not what YOU meant, either, so if it isn't what you meant, I apologize.)

Well, Adverk, let me try to explain what I meant:

It was just a little theory of mine: In "Mossflower", did any of you think that, when Gonff, Martin, and Columbine all met at Bella's house and there was that big party, that Gonff was trying to push Martin and Columbine together, only to find himself landed with her? I don't know why I think that, I guess I think that Gonff had thought that having a girlfriend would be good for Martin. Gonff himself was already carefree and happy, but he could tell that Martin was a pretty grim creature, so maybe he decided if he had a girlfriend . . . and Columbine over there was really pretty, maybe . . . but yeah, I'm rambling.

I would never have Martin be with Columbine, because SHE GOT MARRIED TO GONFF! IF ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER HAPPENS, IT'D BE CANON-SLAUGHTERING! AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem.

OH! OH! ADVERK! WAIT! Thank you SO MUCH for looking in at my other fics! I'm so flattered that you actually think that they're good! (And they really aren't) Why haven't you reviewed for them though? Aw well, you don't have to. It's your choice. Do what cha want.

**Adverk & Wesley Antion: **don't you guys know what Cool Whip is? (but then again, the way how I worded it was kinda weird, so yeah, my fault, not yer guys')

Well, on with the show!

* * *

**Chapter 10: New Characters?!**

Gelltor continued to point at the Cool Whip in his paw while gesturing at Mokkan.

Ascrod still sat in bed, not comprehending.

Gelltor scowled. Finally he just decided to ignore his younger brother and tippawed over to where Mokkan was laying.

The Marlfox then gently turned his older brother's paws over so that their palms lace upwards. He then deposited a big glop of Cool Whip into each one. He then withdrew a feather from his belt-

"Since when do you-"

"SHHHHHHHHHH!" hissed Gelltor.

Ascrod spoke again in a whisper. "Since when do you carry around a feather in your belt?"

Gelltor stared. Then he ignored him.

"Hmph!" said Ascrod, crossing his arms and screwing up his foxy face in a pout.

Gelltor then placed the feather at the end of Mokkan's nose and started tickling him.

Mokkan mumbled in protest and wiped his paw across his mouth. After he withdrew his paw, the Marlfox looked as though he had just come out of a pie-eating contest.

Gelltor choked back a laugh and looked back at Ascrod to see if he had gotten the message through his thick scull yet. But, alas, Ascrod's scull was pretty thick. He still didn't understand what his brother was doing.

Sighing and shaking his head, Gelltor turned his attention back to Mokkan. He continued to tickle his brother's face with the feather until Mokkan's entire face was completely covered in Cool Whip.

Gelltor, holding his own muzzle in death grip, tried his best not to burst out laughing in triumph. He glanced back at Ascrod, who _still_ hadn't figured things out.

Gelltor sighed, then looked back at Mokkan. His face was completely covered in Cool Whip. What else was there to do?

Gelltor sat on his own bed, thinking hard about what to do. He dipped his own paw into the Cool Whip and ate some of it thoughtfully.

Then a little light bulb appeared above his head. Turning it off, the Marlfox reached under his pillow and pulled out a bunch of candy mixes.

Ascrod arched his eyebrows. Since when did his brother (who was always so intent on keeping in shape) keep candy so close by?

Gelltor went back to Mokkan and placed a giant red gumball on the tip of Mokkan's nose, and placed two black licorices on his eyebrows. He then dappled his brother's face with M&M's (for freckles), and put some chocolate frosting under the gumball for a mustache, and a big wade of cotton candy under his chin for a beard.

Ascrod finally got up to get a better look at Mokkan. He stared down at his eldest brother. Then:

"WAH HA HA HA-!"

His laughter was cut off by Gelltor, who tackled his little brother onto the floor.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Next thing Ascrod knew, he was laying on his back on his bed, wrapped up in pale pink straps like a mummy. There were little holes for his eyes, nose, ears, and tail, but everything else was strapped in tightly.

Gelltor put the finishing touches on Ascrod's bindings, then looked critique-ly down at his younger brother. Then he decided that there was something missing.

He reached under his pillow (my, Gelltor certainly holds a lot of stuff beneath his pillow, doesn't he?) and brought out some more pale pink wrappings.

He tied a pink bow on top of Ascrod's head, then across his mouth, then tied a huge bowtie across his neck, then around his waist, his knees, and ankles. So now Ascrod was a pale pink bow-covered mummy.

Gelltor wiped his paws in a satisfied manner, and then went out the room to make himself some waffles.

After Gelltor made himself some waffles, piled them high with the rest of his Cool Whip, maple syrup, M&M's, strawberries, and other such things, and had eaten it all, he decided to have a "tepee raid" all over the mansion while his waffle/maple syrup etc. sugar high thing was still strong. . . .

* * *

Martin and Badrang rolled around on the floor, with everybeast staring at them. 

Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye the Warrioress stamped her Cinderella-tiny footpaw, more tears spilling forth from her extremely large flashing eyes. She was upset because no one was paying attention to her anymore. Oh well, at least Dannflor, her soul mate, was still watching her. . . .

Song suddenly noticed Linwe going back to Dann, so she quickly jumped in front of them again.

Linwe pouted and cried, "Sister, why on Middle Earth are you trying to keep me from being with my soul mate? He looks exactly like the boyfriend I had while at Castle Marl but he was murdered by Mokkan just so he could have me but I defied him and. . . ." another Sue tangent.

Song scowled and rolled her eyes. _"I don't care!"_ she snapped, but Linwe kept on going strong.

Song was extremely annoyed, and looked to Mariel and Rose for help.

The two mousemaids turned to each other and began planning.

"How do we get rid of her?" Mariel asked.

"Well, this is a tuffy," mused Rose. "The Sues that I've delt with, usually she's disguised as me, or she's someone else going after Martin, but this time she's not only a different species, but also from a different time going after a different warrior! I'm a little new to this."

"Me too," said Mariel. "Usually the Sue disguises herself as me, so yeah, I have no idea how to go about this. . . ."

The Marlfox sisters stood forward.

"We have an idea," said Vannan smugly.

"Well, we're out of ideas, so we're open to new ones," said Rose.

"It'll cost ya," grinned Ziral.

"What's the price?" asked Mariel, her eyes narrowing.

Lantur stood forward. "You have to give us those darling shoes you have on."

"WHAT?!" screamed Mariel, clutching at the beautiful shoes she was wearing.

"Since when do we wear shoes?" Dandin wanted to know.

"It's a random-humor fic, Dandin," said the author.

"Oh, yeah, right."

"You can't take away my pretty shoes!" screamed Mariel. "They're mine! Mine! _Mine,_ do you hear me?! MINE!!!"

"Um, hello?" said Triss. "The Sue is getting the better of Song."

They all turned to see that Song had tried throwing a punch, but Linwe caught it, _but Linwe did not fight back because she was too pure of heart to fight her own twin-sister who was jealous of her sister's superior beauty and superior singing voice and superior fighting skillsssssssssssssssssss_ssssssssssssssssssssssss WHOA! The author pulled himself back out of the "purple prose" of the Sue.

"Hm, we can't fight her," said Mariel grimly. "She'd whip us all."

"We said we know a way how to get rid of her!" said Vannan louder.

"I am _NOT_ giving up my pretty shoes!" screamed Mariel.

"You have to, they're darling," said Ziral evilly.

"C'mon, guys, we're all in this together," said Predak (the nicer of her sisters; her sisters snorted), stepping forward. "Now, guys, what are the enemies of the Redwall Mary-Sue?"

"Canon," said Rose.

"Logic," said Mariel.

(Please note, dear readers, that Rose, whose Sue-counterparts have slaughtered Canon, is the one who said "Canon" and Mariel, whose Sue-counterparts are really illogical in their thoughts of how Mariel's relationship with Dandin is, is the one who said "Logic".)

"Right!" said Predak. "Let's try 'em, shall we?"

They all turned to Linwe.

Linwe, feeling the heat from their eyeballs on the back of her head, turned from Song and the idiot-eyed Dann to face Rose, Mariel, and the Marlfox sisters (huh, the most popular characters for Canon Sues).

"Canon," said Rose.

"Canon? What's canon?" asked Linwe, blinking.

"Logic," said Mariel.

"Logik iss 4 lozas + geekz!" said Linwe. (Hm, the Marlfox sisters were standing right in front of Linwe, but that little detail didn't seem to register in her head; but of course it didn't, otherwise it'd be logical) Then she turned back to trying to get past Song to Dann.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmm," said Rose, Mariel, and the Marlfox sisters. This was gonna be harder than they thought.

_"Guuuuuuuuuuuuuys!"_ whined Song. "I can't keep this up much longer!"

Suddenly Grath Longflecth came running in. 

"DEAH TO SEARATS!!" she screamed, getting the attention of everybeast present (even Linwe, whom she caught off gaurd).

"Even Blaggut?" asked Gonff.

"What?"

"Blaggut."

"What_ about _Blaggut?"

"Well, Blaggut was a searat, wasn't he?"

Grath looked shocked. "What? Blaggut? No, no Blagguts' not a searat! He's a _carpenter!_ Aren't you Blaggut," she cooed, turning to Blaggut, who suddenly just appeared out of nowhere.

Grath began to scratch behind Blaggut's ears, in the same way how one might pet a dog. "Who's a carpenter? Who's a carpenter?" she cooed. "Who's a carpenter?"

Blaggut's eyes and smile went wide, his tongue hung out of his mouth. He began to pant like a dog, and his tail began to wag vigorously.

_"Who's a carpenter? Who's a carpenter? Who's a carpenteeeeeeeeeeeeeer?"_

Everybeast watched, looking quite disturbed. Even Martin and Badrang stopped rolling around to stare.

Linwe stamped her Cinderella-tiny foot again, annoyed at how everyone kept on ignoring her to look at less pretty and less talented females. But oh well, Dann was still-

-being gaurded by Song.

Linwe snorted impatiently.

Just then Romsca stepped into the room. "What about me?" she demanded.

Grath turned to her. "What _about_ you?"

Romsca's eyes flashed. "I saved Abbot Durral's life! If it wasn't for me he'd have been eaten by those stinkin' lizards! And I was really nice to Viola, too!"

"You weren't really nice to my family," Grath growled, reaching for her bow.

"I was just followin' orders," Romsca sneered, drawing her cutlass.

"CAT FIGHT!" Gonff screamed, waving his pom poms.

Everybeast stared at him.

_"What?!"_

"Man, everybeast does that a lot, don't they?" said Mariel.

Grath scowled. "Well, who cares?!" She turned back to Romsca. "You killed my family!"

Romsca rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up, Grath. They probably deserved it."

"NO THEY DIDN'T!"

"Yes they did!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yuh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Yuh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Yuh huh."

This went on for awhile.

Just then something went **_BUMP!_**

"THINGS THAT GO **_BUMP_** IN THE NIGHT! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" screamed Gonff.

Everyone-

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" snapped Dandin.

Fine. Every_beast_ stared at Gonff.

_Bump! Bump! Bump!_

Things that go _Bump!_ in the night! They're all going to _die!_

"Even the Sue?" asked Song.

"Yes."

"Oh. Well, that's not so bad!"

_Bump! Bump! Bump!_

"Actually, Song," said the author. "If you die, you all become ghosts, and you can't escape this mansion, and then you'd be trapped with Linwe's angsting ghost _forever._

**_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_**

_Bump! Bump! Bump!_

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" shrieked Linwe. "SAVE ME DANNFLOR, SAVE ME!"

Suddenly Dann leapt into action. He pulled out his Martin-sword ("Hey! objected Martin. "That's _my_ sword!"), shouting all corny-like, "THEY'LL NEVER BEAT ME!"

Song shook her head for Dann.

_Bump! Bump! Bump!_

The sounds were coming closer.

And closer.

And closer!

_And closer!_

_AND CLOSER!_

"Okay! Okay! We get the point!" snapped Mariel.

"Hmph!" said the author.

The door opened. . . .

Everybeast sucked in their breath. . . .

And in walked Veil, Swartt, Sunflash, Bluefen, Bryony, and Nightshade, all of them yawning and rubbing their eyes.

"(yawn) What's all the noise in here?" grunted Swartt. "Can't a ferret get a good sleep around here?"

"Veil!" cried Romsca, ignoring Grath.

"Romsca!" cried Veil.

The two "reformed" ferrets lovingly embraced.

The eyes of Bluefen, Bryony, Swartt, and Nightshade all widened.

Linwe stamped her footpaw again. Here she was, a miraclulous creature, and no one was giving her the _slightest_ attention, except for Song and Dann, but they didn't really count, since Dann was being guarded by Song, who was all-bent on keeping Linwe from getting her perfectly manicured dewclaws on the little flower-squirrel.

"Don't call me 'flower-squirrel'," mumbled Dann as he continued to drool at Linwe.

Veil turned to his parents, smiling. "Mom, Dad, Bry, Night, this is Romsca."

They all stared at the corsair, with her ragged silks, earrings, and (Bluefen shuddered) tattoos.

Romsca forced a grin. "It's easy to see where Veil gets his great good looks."

"I don't own Shrek," said the author, though if you think about it, Veil _must _have gotten his looks from his parents. After all, they _are _really hot.

"Why thank you," said Swartt and Bluefen, then they turned back to Romsca.

"She's a reformed vermin," said Veil.

_"You're_ a reformed vermin, Veil," said Bryony, as though the fact that Romsca was one really wasn't all that new and important.

"Yeah, but _I_ was only some teenager that was going through a rebellious phase," said Veil. _"Romsca _is a real, actual vermin, who lived a long, hard life, filled with wickedness and greed--"

Grath snorted.

"--and lots of killing--"

Again Grath snorted.

"--but in the end she saved the life of an Abbot and helped him to get help, even when she was dying, and confessed that she wanted to be a goodbeast. Not to mention she's also one of the very few _female_ good vermin, which means something a little more significant."

"She can't cook," said Bluefen, Bryony, Swartt, and Nightshade.

Romsca blushed.

Grath snorted.

_"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"_ screamed Romsca as she threw herself on the ottermaid.

Soon the two were rolling around, Veil trying to separate them and only getting entangled as well; Bluefen and Bryony shaking their heads; Swartt and Nightshade nodding; Gonff waving his pom poms.

Linwe stamped her paw _again,_ and more tears fell from her huge eyes, this time only in fustration. Still _no one _was giving her any attention at all! It was so very fustrating! And after all the _horrible treatment she received as a child kidnapped from her parents on a cold stormy niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! The author quickly pulled himself out of the Sue's purple prose.

Linwe stamped her foot again.

Finally when Grath and Romsca were separated, Kurda stepped forward.

"WAIT!" she shouted.

Everybeast looked at her. ("And not at me," grumbled Linwe)

Kurda turned to Romsca. "You stole Veil from me?!"

"Stole 'em?!" Romsca repeated, glancing suspiciously at Veil.

Veil, however, looked bewildered.

"You confessed!" screamed Kurda, pointing at the female corsair. She whipped out her saber. "I challenge you to a duel!"

"CAT FIGHT!!!" screamed Gonff, waving his pom poms.

"Ladies, ladies," said Veil, stepping in between the two hot, sword-wielding ferretmaids. "We've already had enough cat fights to choke on. Now, if you'll just--"

_SWING! BAM! SLICE! CRACK! WING!_

Veil ducked the two swinging blades.

Gonff slapped him on the back. "Well aint you just a lucky guy? You've got two really hot ferret chicks sword-fighting over you."

"One of them could get really hurt!" cried Veil, jumping up and down.

"My moneys on Romsca," said Triss. "Kurda can't turn a sword worth didly."

"Well, maybe she would've put on a better fight if you hadn't _cheated!"_ snapped Martin.

_"What's that supposed to mean?!"_ demanded the irate squirrelmaid.

"I had to _work_ to become such a great swordsbeast! So did Matthias! And Dandin! And Dannflor! And Deyna! But _you_ just hopped around, throwing a bunch of turnips into the air, running away from your enemy throughout the _entire_ book, and then all of the sudden you just pick up my sword and suddenly became the greatest swordbeast in the world?! You had never had a lesson! Kurda had! Oh, and by the way, when you said 'Let's see what chopping turnips and murdering an old squirrel taught you,' what did _you_ learn by cutting the head off of _one_ distracted adder while all your friends are keeping it, along with the other two heads busy? I mean, _come on."_

"I just beat you!" shouted Triss.

"Only because I let you!" shouted the author.

"WHAT?!"

Suddenly, both Martin and Triss were sword-fighting right along side Romsca and Kurda. A lot of furniture got cut up in the process.

"Hey Blaggut," said Cluny. "Have you ever been mistaken for a searat?" 

Blaggut smiled at the Scrouge. "Why, no. Have you?"

"Yes I have!" said Cluny. "And believe me, it's happened so many times!"

Blaggut patted his shoulders. "There now, there now," he pulled out a handkerchief. "Wipe yer eyes."

Cluny took the hankie and blew his nose (VERY loudly). Then he turned to Cornflower. "Hey Cornflower, you wanna ditch yer mousey boyfriend and marry me?"

Cornflower wrinkled her nose. "Did something crawl down your throat and die?"

Cluny drew himself up, indignant. _"No_ . . . It's still alive."

Everybeast, except Blaggut, backed away.

"Hey, did they stop sword-fighting?" asked Veil, meaning Kurda, Romsca, Martin, and Triss.

"Yes," said the author.

"Who won?" Gonff wanted to know, disappointed that he got distracted from watching Romsca and Kurda.

"Romsca beat Kurda and Martin beat Triss."

"YES!" said Romsca and Martin, giving each other a high five.

_"D'uh!"_ said Kurda and Triss, slamming thier fists together.

"Hey wait a minute!" said Nightshade. "I had predicted that Martin would beat Triss at sword-fighting and I was right! Yay! Yay! I'm not a fraud after all!"

Everybeast stared at her.

"What?!"

Mariel sighed. "Mr. Author, with all due respect, when is this story going to end?"

"Soon, I hope," said the author, who also was getting bored. "Let's have another chapter break."

* * *

Oh! And a few more things:

1) What do think Gelltor's gonna do in his hyper-state?

2) How do you think they should get rid of the Sue?

3) Do any of you like the idea of Veil/Romsca?

4) What do you think of the characters' relationships with each other?


	11. When's It All Going To End?

**Blissey:** Awww! That is SO nice! Thank you! (And sorry for acting so mean last time, forgive me? Hm?)

**Snuffsnuff:** Yay! You started reviewing for my fic! A little late, but better late then never.

**KISSAFREEDOMNESS:** Sorry, Felldoh isn't in this chapter, BUT, he MIGHT be in the next one!

* * *

I am sorry to announce, but this is the SECOND-TO-LAST chapter of this stupid and pointless and UN-funny fic. After the next chapter, the fic will be done. 

Or it will be. . . .

. . . unless all of you rack your brains to come with new ideas to keep me goin'. (grins evilly)

* * *

**Chapter 11: When's It Going To End?!**

The entire mansion was streaming with toilet paper. Long strips of white fluttered in the slight gusts of wind that came in through the cracks in walls, giving off a very eerie aura.

Everything was damp with cleaner and other such cleaning fluids.

Anyone would have thought that the mansion now looked like Shelob's Lair, and the fact that there was a giggling Marlfox sitting in the middle of it all with his eyes rolling about in his sockets, well. . . .

"Heeheehee!" said Gelltor as he admired his fancy work. "Nobeast makes mansions look like Shelob's lair better than Gelltor the Gorgeous! Heeheehee!"

(Hm, there's a hedgehog in the "Mistmantle Chronicles" called "Gorsen the Gorgeous." So, maybe I better say that I don't own that title.)

Now . . . what to do?

Gelltor paused in his giggling and put his jaw in his paw and pondered what else he could do. . . .

Then another light bulb appeared above his head.

Switching it off, Gelltor reached behind him and pulled out a long whip and a certain hat that resembled the one that a certain tomb raider owns, and put it on his head.

"Heeheehee!" Gelltor was goin' Indiana Jones style.

* * *

"I would like to point out," said Martin, all superior-like, "that in the last chapter, Cornflower was in it." 

Everybeast stared at him.

"So?" said Vannan.

"Cornflower had left the room to eat cake in the chapter before, so therefore it's impossible for her to have been in this room in the _last_ chapter."

_"What happened in the last chapter, Martin?"_ growled the author.

"Huh?"

"Cornflower w_as_ in this room in the last chapter."

"But it was impossible for her to be there!"

"And yet she _was."_

Martin stopped, confused.

"Is she still in here?" Rose wanted to know.

"Is she?" asked the author.

Rose looked around. "No."

"Give the lady a cigar."

Meanwhile Bluefen was talking to Romsca.

"I must say, Romsca," said Bluefen nervously. "It seems a bit . . . _surprising_ that a female of your . . ._maturity_ should attract someone like . . . _my son."_

Romsca smiled. "Oh yes, they grow up so fast, don't they?"

Bluefen cocked her head. "Pardon?"

"Oh, just talking about how fast our kids really grow up, huh?"

Bluefen's eyes widened. _"You_ have a _baby?"_

Romsca nodded, grinning. "Oh yeah, I'm a widow. In fact, my babys' _expecting _a baby."

Bluefen's eyes widened all the more. _"Your babys' expecting a baby?"_

She then came to the conclusion: "If _my_ baby got married to _you,_ he'd be a _GRANDPA_ to your _baby's baby?!"_

Romsca nodded, grinning all the more.

A little thinking bubble appeared above Bluefen's head: **_"AUGH!!! DELETE DELETE DELETE!!!"_**

(Let me just say, I do NOT own the Cathy Comics.)

* * *

Meanwhile, downstairs. . . . a certain sugar-crazed fox was planning on playing more practical jokes. 

"Heeheehee!"

(Cue the Indiana Jones music!)

Gelltor struck a noble pose (wearing the hat), and then went leaping and jumping and cartwheeling and backflipping around all the streaming toilet papers, giggling.

"Heeheehee!"

He then made his way to a small table that had a rather large bowl of cream on it. The Marlfox stood in front of the table, grinning crazily, and then he lifted his whip.

"Heeheehee!"

**_Whack!_**

He brought the whip down on the cream hard, sending some of the stuff flying all over the room.

"Heeheehee!"

**_Whack!_**

He hit it again.

**_Whack!_**

"Heeheehee!"

And again.

**_Whack!_**

"Heeheehee!"

And again.

**_Whack!_**

"Heeheehee!"

And again.

**_Whackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhackwhack!!!_**

"Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!"

And again and again and again and again and . . . well, yeah.

Finally all the cream in the bowl was now thuroughly whipped. (Sorry for the weak pun, really stupid, but it seems to fit the scenario.) Gelltor then picked up the whipped cream and put it all in a can (one of the kind that sprays the whipped cream out). He then turned around and, holding the can and whip, he struck another pose, giggling.

"Heeheehee!"

He snapped his whip-

**_Crash!_**

-and he broke something.

_"Gasp!"_

It was a valuable purple vase.

The Marlfox looked around, then quickly dusted the purple fragments underneath a rug. He then stood still for a moment. Then:

"Heeheehee!"

**_Rumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumblerumble!!!_**

Gelltor stiffened. What was that rumbling sound?

Then the big gigantic it's-gonna-crush-you-to-death-better-get-outta-hear ball came rolling out.

_"Aaaack!"_ said Gelltor, doing a bit of personation of Scrat (don't own Ice Age). He turned and ran full speed down the hallway, the big boulder chasing him.

_"Huhhahuhhahuhhahuhhahuhhahuhhahuhhahuhhahuhhahuhhahuhhahuhhahuhhahuhhhahuhhahuhhahuhhhahuhha!!!"_ said Gelltor as he ran as fast as he could, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

* * *

"YOU'RE DATING A FEMALE THAT'S EXPECTING HER FIRST GRANDCHILD?!" Bluefen roared into Veil's face. 

"Wha-?" said Veil.

"Oh Bluefen, don't get so riled up," said Bryony. "At least _this_ time he's paired up with a female that's the same _species_ as him," she added darkly.

"But-?" began Veil.

"How can you act so calm when Veil is going to become a _grandpa_ before he becomes a _dad?!"_ Bluefen cried. "Ugh! I don't even think that's _supposed_ to be possible! I've got to tell Swartt. NO! I can't tell Swartt! He'll croak! But he _needs_ to know! He's your father! Augh! But I can't!" she went on, running around in circles. _"I've got to! But I can't! I have to! No! I can't! Yes, I can't! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes!"_

Finally she collapsed on the bed, completely exhausted.

"I don't like how I'm completely out of character in this fic," grumbled Sunflash, tossing his long, golden, OrlandoBloom/Legolas blonde hair (or headfur, which ever seems best).

"It's a random humor fic, Sunflash, _every single character is **supposed** to be out of character!"_ reminded the author.

Sunflash blinked. "Oh yeah."

**_C_**

**_R_**

**_A_**

**_S_**

_**H**_

Just then Gelltor came running through the wall, making a Marlfox-shaped hole, still in his sugar high, screeching and yelling random phrases (such as "FROGS IN THE GULLY! FROGS IN THE GULLY!" or "CHEEZE NIPS! CHEEZE NIPS! CHEEZE NIPS!"), all the while waving the can of half-filled whipped cream which he got from earlier, which sprayed everywhere: on the floor, on the walls, on the furniture, and even Sunflash's long blonde Legolas-hair.

"AACK!" screamed Sunflash. "My _hair! _It'll take me _years_ to get this out!"

"Ha ha!" said Swartt. "Gurgle!" he said when Sunflash grabbed him by the neck.

Quite a lot of shrill, feminine screams filled the air as Gelltor waved about the whipped cream, and while Gelltor was waving around the whipped cream, he sprayed some more, and it landed all over Linwe (and we all know how Sues just _hate_ getting _dirty_).

_"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!" _screeched Linwe. "You cursed brat! Look what choove done! _I'm melting, MELTING! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who'd've thought a fox like you could distroy my beautiful wickedness. . . . !"_

...oh wait, the reviewer didn't want that to happen.

"Oh darn," said the author. "I wanted to use that! (sigh) Oh well. I'll think of _something._ Eh, let's see, let's start the last five seconds over."

**_REWIND FIVE SECONDS duh da duh da duh da duh da duh da duh da duh da duh da duh! - and PAUSE!_**

* * *

Hm, so let's see. What else could Gelltor do? . . . okay here's what happens: 

So instead while Gelltor is running around screaming, he's followed by the big boulder, who makes a much bigger whole than Gelltor.

Linwe gets caught in Gelltor's arms, and the big boulder rolls right on top of them _annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd-_

. . . . hm, if I killed the Sue now, I'd have to kill Gelltor, too. And I don't want to do that; he's already scheduled for more stuff.

So the two are crushed beneath the boulder, which goes on crashing thru the walls.

Then Gelltor and Linwe stand up. _Indiana Jones style! Chah!_

Linwe, still being held in Gelltor's arms, looked up at him, realized he was a Marlfox, and started crying out all dramatic-like: "Dannflor! O Dannflor! Darling! Help! Help me! It's Mokkan!" (the sue couldn't tell one Marlfox from the rest; stupid sue) "He's come to take me away! O Dannflor! Save me!"

(Actually, the Sue _did_ have a reason to freak out: she was in the arms of a Marlfox whose tongue is hanging out of his mouth, who is giggling like a maniac, his pupils are dilated, his breath is overly sweet, and he's really really sweaty, so yeah, Linwe had a good reason to be afraid.)

Dannflor jumped up and swung his sword at Gelltor, his crazy half-glazed look on his face. "Unhand that piteous, beautiful, helpless, delicate, fragile, gorgeously gorgeous squirrel-maiden, you big, fat, foul, ugly, hideous vermin-foxy-boy!"

The "big, fat, foul, ugly, hideous vermin-foxy-boy" yelped, dropped Linwe like a ton of bricks, and ran away with Dannflor at his heels.

"Hmph!" said Linwe as she picked herself up. "I can't believe someone, especially a _male_ would dump me like that! I hope Dannflor beats him up good and hard!"

Every other creature stared at her. The sue-

"Stop calling me 'Sue'!" Linwe shouted, annoyed (in a totally justified manner).

Fine. _Linwe_ was pleased that everybeast's attention was on her.

"Yes, I _do_ enjoy it when people look at me!" Linwe gushed, clapping her dainty little paws.

All the females huddled into a group; Linwe supposed they were too jealous to even look at her.

This is what the females were whispering about:

* * *

"How are we going to get rid of the Sue?" whispered Grath. 

"Yeah, she's driving me crazy!" said Song.

"We _could _continue to ignore her," suggested Bryony. "That might work."

"I got an idea!" shouted Martin. Everybeast looked at him. "Garlic. It works on vampires, so why not?"

"YEAH!" shouted Mariel. "Lets' kill the Sue _vampire-style!"_

"Wha-?" said Linwe, who was so wrapped up in herself that she didn't even consider what other beasts REALLY thought of her.

"Whatever!" said Mariel. "Break out the garlic!"

The garlic didn't work.

"How do _you_ know?" challenged Mariel.

"Is the Sue dead?"

They all looked at Linwe, who was carefully brushing her perfect fur.

". . . ._d'uh!" _said everybeast.

"I know!" said Martin. "Let's get her to describe her past, then stab her in the back while she's angsting over it. Her Mary-Sue energy will be directed at telling the story and it won't be able to protect her!"

"It's worth a try," said Rose. "Song, you ask her."

"Me?!" cried Song. "Why me?!"

"Because you're her sister! NOW GO!" And with that, everybeast gave the poor squirrelmaid a shove towards the Sue.

"Ah heh," said Song, standing in front of Linwe, who smiled, showing off rows of perfect flawless impeccable even pearl-like snowy-white glistening shining pearly-white teeth.

Song had to shield her eyes. Linwe, however, was quite pleased, thinking that Song was overawed by her wondrous perfect drop-dead gorgeous incredible fantastic beauty.

"Eh, so," said Song. She _really_ didn't want Linwe to go on another tangent of her past (she already got enough of that in the earlier chapters), but then again, if the plan were to work-

"So tell us about what happened to you," said Song very quickly, and braced herself for the tidal wave of overly dramatic angst.

_"Oh, it was terrible! Dreadful! Positively ghastly!"_ the sue wailed, a whole waterfall of tears cascading down her huge sparkling eyes to her soft sleek glossy smooth-furred cheeks. _"I was forced to work work work for so many years so many years so many years!"_

While the Sue was angsting, Martin snuck up behind the Sue, his sword drawn. He raised the sword and-!

-the Sue was suddenly surrounded by a blaze of pink energy.

Martin blinked. And tried to stab the Sue. The sword bounced back. He blinked. He stared at his companions, who shrugged.

Linwe went on angsting, wailing and complaining.

"Mr. Author," said Rose. "What exactly is going on here?!"

Well, unfortunately, the pink aura you see around Linwe, and keeps any weapons from hurting her.

"So _that's_ why Sues are able to angst for so long!" said Martin.

"I guess that means we're doomed," said Sunflash, borrowing the Sue's comb to brush his long blonde shining hair.

**

* * *

**

Meanwhile Mokkan was jerked from his sleep.

His arms were pinned behind his back and he was dragged roughly across the floor.

"Heeheehee!"

Gelltor then shoved Mokkan's face into a mirror.

"Look what I did!" Gelltor giggled.

Mokkan stared at himself, completely covered in candy and cream. He quickly became outraged, but Gelltor slammed his fist into his brother's gut, knocking the wind out of him.

Gelltor then slung Mokkan over his shoulder and carried him downstairs to the kitchen.

"Heeheehee!"

Before Mokkan could regan his breath, Gelltor strapped him into a chair; a torture chair that Gelltor built himself out of various household objects.

Mokkan's wrists and ankles are tied to the armrests and legs. A seat belt appears across Mokkan's waist while two plates appeared on either side of his head, making him face forward.

The Marlfox, however, was still able to move his eyes, and he was able to look over and watch his younger brother.

Gelltor stood beside something that looked like a big nasty-looking switch.

"Heeheehee!"

Near the switch were a bunch of levels that one could but the torture chair on: each level had a little face next to it, except for the first level, which had the word "Off" next to it.

The one after that had a little smiley face, and then one after that had another smiley face, only this one's smile wasn't as wide.

The next one had a small smile, and the next had a neutral face.

The next had a small frown, and the next had a deeper frown.

The next had a frown and a slightly sad look, and the one after that was in tears.

The last one had a skull face on it.

It was the last one that Gelltor put the switch.

"Heeheehee!"

The first thing that happened to Mokkan was that a pie was thrown in his face; then his mouth was forced open by little mechanical arms and a candy bar was shoved into his mouth. A little faucet appeared above the Marlfox, and water fell into Mokkan's lap, and eggs slammed into his face.

Gelltor giggled. "Heeheehee!"

* * *

"I know!" said Dandin. 

Everyone-

"That's every_beast_ stupid!" snapped Dandin.

Fine. Every_beast_ stared at him.

"How about we play a game where everyone has a cool whip container," went on Dandin, "and we all have to spray cool whip on the other beasts to get them out?"

"And then Dannflor(or flower) and Dandin get in a big fight scene because they can't stand being referred to as 'the two Dans' anymore," said Mariel sarcastically.

**_"DON'T CALL ME DANNFLOWER!!!"_**

And with that, Dannflower came rushing back into the room and leapt at Mariel. Dandin did a dramtic jump into the air, and the two were rolling around on the floor, making leopard sounds.

Mariel and Song circled their boyfriends-

_"THEY ARE **NOT** OUR BOYFRIENDS!!!"_ the two females roared as they continued circling the two fighting males. "They're just friends." Then they went back to the two Dans.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" shouted the two Dans, because they were getting sick and tired of being called "the two Dans." So they lashed out at each other.

Mariel and Song circled them, calling out advice and warnings and encouragement.

"Get 'im from behind Dandin!"

"Show that little mousey what you're made of, Dannflor!"

"Use your tail! Use your tail!"

"Look out for his tail! Use your own!"

"Hit him! Bite him! Bite him! Bark! Bark! Bark!"

"Scratch him! Scratch him! Meow! Meow! Meow!"

The two Dans then sat up and began slapping at each other like ninnies, both of them holding their faces away.

Linwe stamped her Cinderella-tiny foot again. Her beloved Dannflor wasn't paying attention to her! What was going on? She was being driven _craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy!_ Well, if you wanted something done right, you had to do it yourself!

"So, why did we come here in the first place?" she called out over the two Dans. 

"There was a secret treasure hidden somewhere in this place," said the author.

"But we haven't been looking for it!" said Vannan.

"Hey, you're right," said the author, as though he had just realized it. "Why haven't you?"

_"You're_ the author of this stupid story," snapped Mariel, who, along with Song, turned her attention away from the two Dans.

"Hey wait a minute!" said Rose. "What's going on? Where are we?"

Everyone stared at her.

And everyone waited for Dandin to say "That's every_beast_, stupid!" But he didn't. Then they realized that Dandin wasn't in the room.

"Hey! Where's Dandin?!" cried Mariel, looking worried.

"Where's Dannflor?!" cried Song, also looking worried.

"Where's Martin?" said Rose suspiciously.

"They were wrestling awhile ago, but then we forgot about them for a second, and then they disappeared into thin air," said Predak, "and the same goes for Martin. Hey, Badrang is gone too!"

"Gee, ya just noticed?" scoffed Vannan.

"Shut up," snarled Predak, pushing her sister.

"CAT FIGHT!" screamed Gonff, waving pom poms.

THIS time, nobeast paid any attention to him.

"WOW!" said everybeast.

Silence.

Then everybeast said, "Um, Mr. Author? Are you going say 'Except Gonff' after 'everybeast'?"

The author rolled his eyes. "You already get the picture!"

"Hey!" said Ziral, looking around. "Mokkan, Ascrod, and Gelltor aren't here either!"

_"Fangirls!"_ screamed Triss. Both she and Kurda hugged each other and cried. _"That Mary-sue Fangirl took them! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"_

Everybeast stared at them. "Okaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy."

"WAIT A MINUTE!" screamed Predak. "Who's left for the author to write about?"

"Well, let's see," said the author. "There's you, Predak. Then there's your sisters, Vannan, Ziral, and beautiful Lantur--"

"SHUT UP!" roared Predak, Vannan, and Ziral.

"NO, YOU SHUT UP!" roared Lantur.

The author continued on as though he hadn't been interrupted. "And there's Veil, Romsca, Swartt, Grath, Bluefen, Bryony, Nightshade, Sunflash, Gonff, Dannflor, Song, Triss, Kurda, Mariel, Blaggut, Cluny, annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I think that's it."

"Hey wait," said Bryony. "Where'd Slagar go? He just disappeared in puff of smoke! Where'd he go, Mr. Author?"

"That's for me to know and for you to wait till the end of the story."

"Hey wait," said Triss. "My, people really do say that a lot in this chapter, don't they? Where's Deyna? The fangirls got him too?"

Everybeast expected Cornflower to tell Triss to shut up about fangirls when they remembered that Cornflower wasn't there either.

"Oh, wait, that's right," said Rose. "She, Matthias, and Matti went down to the kitchen to eat cake."

"That's what you think," said the author smugly.

"FANGIRLS GOT THEM!" screamed Triss. "THEY'RE MAKING MATTHIAS AND CORNFLOWER ACT OUT BEAUTIFUL ROMANCE SCENES FROM THEIR FAVORITE MOVIES!!!"

_"We've got to save them!"_ screamed Kurda, who was the only one who seemed to agree with Triss on this matter.

Rose grabbed a big, hefty book and knocked Triss upside the head. The squirrelmaid fell on the floor in a heap. Mariel tried to knock Kurda out with her gullwhacker, but the ferret princess proved that her head was too hard for that.

"When'd she prove that?" demanded Mariel irately.

"In chapter 1, remember?"

". . . oh right."

So Vannan offered her service by smacking Kurda with her ax handle. That did the trick.

"You know," said Ziral to Sunflash. "We could've used your help with that."

_"What?!_ I'd NEVER hit a lady!" cried the BFB.

Silence.

_"What?"_ said everybeast.

"BFB," said the author. "Big Friendly Badger. Kinda like BFG, Big Friendly Giant. By the way, I don't own that book."

Silence.

"There's too much silence in this story!" shouted Swartt.

"Hey shut up, polecat!" snapped Sunflash.

"Why don't you, Scumtripe!" retorted Swartt.

_"Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"_ roared the not-so-friendly-anymore-badger as he tackled Swartt into a dresser.

"CAT FIGHT!" screamed Gonff, waving his pom poms.

Swartt and Sunflash stopped fighting long enough to join everybody else in staring at the mousethief. Triss and Kurda regained consciousness to join as well.

Gonff blushed. "Sorry. Habit forming."

"I'd like to point out, Sunflash," said Nightshade. "That you hit _me."_

"Nightshade, honey," said Sunflash. "Nobody would e_ver_ consider _you_ a lady."

Everybody (except Nightshade, who fumed) laughed.

Suddenly everybody found themselves down in the dining room again, where they saw that Gelltor had tied Mokkan to what looked like an electric chair, only Mokkan had his feet tied to what looked like bike pedals and was pedalling very hard and very fast, and a little fountain was pouring water into his lap, sickeningly sweet candy bars were being shoved into his mouth, and headphones were over his ears, playing "The Backstreet Boys."

Well, Mokkan looked as though he would die.

_"Never trust a vixen, never trust a vixen," _Gelltor chanted to Mokkan.

"But you're not a vixen," said Vannan.

Gelltor stopped. "Oh, yeah, right."

"Hm," said Predak, looking closely at the torture chair that her brother had fixed up. Walking over to her still-sugar-crazed brother, she spoke coaxingly. "That's a lovely chair you have their, brother."

"O yes! Heeheehee!" giggled Gelltor.

"And you know what?" said Predak, as though sharing a Very Big Secret.

"What?! What?!" said Gelltor, all wild-eyed and giggling.

"We've got a Mary-sue with us," Predak murmured in her brothers' ear.

Gelltor immediately became sober. He stopped giggling, became straight, even rigid, and looked up at his sister, who gave a solemn nod.

Gelltor gave his sister a nod and went over to Mokkan, who had lost consciousness, turned off the machine, and untied him, slinging him over his shoulder again.

Predak turned to the others and grinned evilly. "We've got a weapon," she said, nodding at the torture chair. "Heeheehee!"

Everyone stared at her. Then they cheered.

_"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

"You know," said Rose. "Without Dandin around the author really can't quite remember the proper use of animal grammar, doesn't he?"

Suddenly Mariel began weeping hysterically.

Bryony put a comforting arm around her. "There there, dear, what's the matter?"

"DANDIN!" Mariel screamed. She began running around the room with Bryony scurrying after her. _"Dandin's gone! Dandin's gone!"_

For a few hours Mariel continued telling the whole universe that Dandin was gone.

_"Dandin's gone! Dandins' gone!"_

"WE KNOW!" roared Nightshade, who was testy from earlier.

"Why?" asked Nightshade.

"Shut up," said the author.

Just then, for some reason, Ublaz Mad Eyes waltzed into the room. He smiled at everyone, walked over to Veil (who the closest to him), stuck his paw in his face, and said, in a rather girlish fashion, "Guess what shade my nail polish is!"

Veil looked at the claws that appeared as though they had just been recently painted. Then the young ferret looked down at his own paws which Sister Wythe (hate her), Jodd (hate him), Skipperjo (hate him), Redfarl (hate her), Sumin (hate him), and Abbess Meriam (hate her) had died in beet root juice.

"Is it beet root red?" he asked.

"How did you _know?"_ squealed Ublaz gleefully.

Veil shrugged. "Lucky guess."

"I got mine at Meir & Frank's!" gushed the pine marten. "Where'd you get _yours?"_

"Wallmart," said Veil smugly.

"Hm," said Ublaz, taking Veil's paw. "I like mine better."

"What?!" cried Veil, outraged. "Mine is made with real, natural ingredients!"

"At least _I_ don't have trouble _coloring in between the lines,"_ said Ublaz superiorly.

"Is that a word?" asked Mattemeo, who appeared out of nowhere.

"It is now," said the author.

"What word?" asked Matthias, who also appeared out of nowhere.

"'Superiorly'," said Matti.

"Hey, _is_ that a real word?"

"Yeah, _is_ it?" said Rose, who seemed to be taking it in stride that Matthias and Mattemeo had appeared out of nowhere.

"Why is it that _he_ always gets top billing?" whined Mattemeo, glaring at his father.

The author scowled and decided to just simply distract his characters with something instead of shouting at them.

Just then Jodd the annoying squirrelhare (hate him) came in. Veil punched the squirrelhare in the face, knocking him out.

_"Yeah!"_ said Swartt. _"Go you!"_

"Now, Veil," said Bluefen, scurrying over and wagging a paw at him.

Just then Abbess Meriam came in.

"What's going on in here?" she demanded, being the cold, distant, stuck up, vain little mouse that she is, being taller than most mice and not really caring at all about the Abbey and thinking that she's so good and how the green-brown habits of the order aren't good enough for her and she needs to wear the light green ones of the novice because they look better on her.

Bluefen's eyes widened at the sight of her. She walked over to the tall mousemaid. "Abbess Meriam?" she asked.

Meriam looked down her nose at Bluefen with a look of the greatest disgust. "Yes, and you are?"

**_Bam!_**

Bluefen punched Meriam right in her stupidly serene face, giving her a bloody nose.

_"Alright Mom!"_ Veil cheered.

"CAT FIGHT!" screamed Gonff, waving his pom poms.

_"SHUT UP GONFF!"_ roared everyone else.

"Hey wait a minute!" said Cornflower, who, like her husband and baby ("Hey!" objected Matti), had appeared out of nowhere. "Ublaz just came in! Where was he all this time?"

"YOU'RE SAFE!" screamed Triss, hugging the mousemaid.

"GET OFF _MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"_ roared Cornflower.

Matthias shook his head. "What happened to that quiet little mouse I used to know?"

_"You killed her!"_ Cornflower snarled. She pushed Triss off and scurried over to Matti and began rubbing at his face. "Hold still honey, you've got cake all over your whiskers."

_"Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooom,"_ moaned Mattemeo.

"Appreciate you've got a mom, kid," said Grath. "Mine was killed by seascum." She glared at Romsca.

Romsca rolled her eyes. "Are we gonna have to go over this again?"

"WAIT!" shouted Cornflower.

Matthias shook his head. "What happened to that quiet little mouse I used to know?"

"SHUT UP!" roared Cornflower. "Where was Ublaz all this time?"

Everybeast turned to Ublaz (except Jodd, who was unconscious, and Meriam, who was trying to stop her nose from bleeding).

"Well, where were you?" Cornflower demanded.

Ublaz took a deep breath, as though he were about to say, "Have I got a story for you," but he never got to say anything–

"Why not?" asked Ublaz.

"THERE! SEE?" said Swartt. "He said something!"

"Shut up, Swartt," said the author.

Swartt pouted.

–for a creature draped in a raggedy bed sheet snuck up behind Ublaz, put his paw over his mouth and put a blade to his throat.

"Nobody move or this guy gets it!" the creature threatened.

_"Aauugghh!"_ screamed Kurda, dancing up and down. "It's that creepy ghost thingy that was stalking me down the stairs!"

The creature disregarded the Pure ferret as he began to drap Ublaz out of the room.

"Drap?" said Mattemeo.

"What?" said the author.

"Drap. You said that the weird ghost creature was 'drap'-ing Ublaz--"

"He's _dragging_ Ublaz out of the room!" the author snapped.

"Okay, okay," said Mattemeo.

_"Aauugghh!"_ screamed Triss. "It's a_ fangirl!_ _Caught in the act," _she said dramatically, standing forward. "Crime doesn't pay!"

The creature stopped dragging Ublaz to stare at Triss. "Honey, you need help."

_"Do not!_ I've got _this!"_ Triss said, whipping her sword. "Don't worry Ublaz! _I'll save you!"_

Ublaz, still with the dusty sheets over his mouth, turned around and put his arms around the "ghost", glancing fearfully back at Triss.

Rose rolled her eyes and snatched Triss's sword away from her.

Triss looked her, astonished. Then she grabbed the sword. "Give that back!"

Rose pulled back. "No I won't!"

"Oh yes you will!"

"No I won't!"

"Oh yes you will!"

"No I won't!"

"Oh yes you will!"

"No I won't!"

"Oh yes you will!"

"No I won't!"

"Oh yes you will!"

"No I won't!"

"Oh yes you will!"

"No I won't!"

"Oh yes you--"

"MMMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGFFFFFFFFF!!!!" said Ublaz as the weird creature in the bed sheets dragged him out of the room.

"Oh great. NOW look what you made me do!" Triss yelled.

"I didn't do anything!" Rose retorted.

"CAT--"

Rose rounded on Gonff. "You say that thing _one more time. . . ."_

"FIGHT!"

Rose stared at the mousethief with wide, hazel eyes.

"Her eyes are _hazel,_ stupid!" said Martin.

"That's what I said," said the author.

Martin looked at the dialogue. "Oh."

"OH MARTIN!" squealed Rose gleefully. "YOU _DO_ KNOW THE COLOR OF MY EYES! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And with that, she proceeded to smother him with kisses.

The creature who was holding Ublaz suddenly ripped the sheets from his face to reveal. . . .

Silence.

"Um, Mr. Author?" asked Swartt.

"HUH? Wha-I-yawn."

"You fell asleep?!"

"Yeah?"

(sigh) "Whatever."

Anyway: the creature who was holding Ublaz suddenly ripped the sheets from his face to reveal-

-Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah-

_"SHUT UP!"_ roared Mariel.

Alright, alright.

"Ha!" cried Princess Linwe, tightening her grip on Ublaz's throat. "You fools! Did you ever think that you outsmart the Great and Powerful and Beautiful and Gorgeous and Spectacular and Lovely and Absoulutely Perfectly Perfect Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem-"

_"SHUT UP!"_ roared all the other females in the room.

"Hmph!" said Linwe as she continued to drag the helpless Ublaz out of the room (all of the rabid Ublaz fangirl-reviewers go "Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Stop her! Stop her! He's MINE!").

"You'll never win, Sue!" shouted Triss.

"Stop calling me 'Sue'!" shouted Linwe. "My name is Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah-"

"WHEN'S IT ALL GOING TO END?!" screamed Matthias.

"Maybe the next chapter," said the author.

"WHAT?!" screamed everybeast. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHY ARE WE ALL SAYIN' 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'?!" roared Mattemeo.

"BECAUSE WE WANT IT TO END NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!" shrieked the others.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" responded Mattemeo-

"Hey!" said Matte-

"Hey!" said Matte-

"He-stop!" shouted Matte-

**_"SHUT U-U-U-U-U-U-P!!!"_**

_"What?"_ said the author.

"Mr. Author, you've been misspelling my name throughout the entire story!"

The author paused in his typing to look over his story, and found that indeed it was true; the young mouse's name was _supposed _to be spelled M-A-T-T-**_I_**-M-E-O.

"There! So spell my name right!"

"I WILL NOT!" screamed the author, who was more infuriated at himself than the young mouse. The author had always prided himself on not misspelling the names of characters, but now . . . well, misspelling Ferahgo's name was one thing but the author had corrected it before he put out this fic. Misspelling Ascrod's name was another as well. Don't know why, but yeah. But misspelling _three_ names. . . .!

"AND BECAUSE I AM IN SUCH A BAD MOOD, I WILL NOT MENTION YOUR NAME _ONCE_ IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!" the author screamed at Matthias's son.

"NOOO!"

"YEEEEEES!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"

**_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_**

"Yes."

"Hmph!"

* * *

**A/N:** _Don't worry. The Sue will be terminated in the next chapter._ _But PLEASE, do NOT tell me HOW you want the Sue to die; I already have that planned out._

_BUT, you may tell me what you WANT TO HAPPEN in the next chapter (it IS the last chapter, you know, so go for gusto, I say! Unless, of course, you all manage to convince me to keep on going with this)_

By the way, how many of you were caught off gaurd by Romsca's "My baby is expecting a baby" scene?

And Gelltor torturing Mokkan like that?

And Matti's name being misspelled this whole time? (I said I wouldn't metion his name in the NEXT chapter, so this doesn't count)

Which persons here do you think is the best-looking? (Which vermin-male you think is best-looking, which woodlander-female is best-looking, etc. etc. etc. (like "The King and I"!))

And Meriam and Jodd getting hit?

And all the rest of the random silliness? What did yall think of that? Eh?


	12. The End? Hopefully!

**A/N:** _WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

It's. . . . it's. . . . OVVVVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!. . . . . well, almost over, anyway. (sigh) It was good while it lasted. I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did.

Since this is the last chapter, I tried to do it justice. Hopefully you will all be satisfied after the LONG delay (sorry, guys, been busy, you know?).

* * *

**Chapter 12: The End?**

"It better be!" said Vannan. "I'm sick and tired of this stupid story! It's so idiotic and dumb and pointless and. . . ." she went on and on till the thesaurus ran out of words. 

"Why don't you just get out the thesaurus and give us all the words?" challenged Vannan.

"I _did _the get the thesaurus," said the author. "I had to make sure I was spelling 'thesaurus' right."

Everybeast scowled.

"HEY!" said Matthias brightly. "You remembered to put 'everybeast' without Dandin yelling at you!"

Mariel suddenly broke down into hysterical sobbing.

Bryony put a comforting arm around her. "There, there, dear. What's the matter?"

"DANDIN!" the warriormaid screamed. "DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN! DANDIN--"

_"SHUT UP!"_ roared Sunflash.

Everyone gasped and stared at Sunflash.

Matthias shook his head pityingly at the author. "Shame. You almost had streak goin' there."

"What?"

"With proper animal grammar."

"Oh."

"You know," said Swartt to the author. "Its been a rrreeeaaalllyyy long time since you updated this fic."

"That's because I had to wait for my other fic _Linwe Seregon Swifteye_ to come to its conclusion so that I could show the other death that Linwe and 'The Ego' chose for her."

"MMMMMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Ublaz, reminding them all that that self-same Sue was strangling him at that very moment.

"But I decided to just simply update this fic now because _Linwe Seregon Swifteye_ is gonna take YEARS to finish - no offense to LittlePsychoWolf - so I thought I might as well finish this fic. Well, now you all have to save Ublaz."

"Oh right," said everyone-

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" sobbed Mariel, taking over for Dandi. "Oh boo hoo hoo - HEY! You misspelled his name!"

"Gee, you're a bad speller," said Matthias's son. "Don't call me that!"

"I have to," said the author. "I said I woudn't mention your name _once_ in this chapter."

"Hmph!" said Matthias' son. "Hey! You just spelled 'wouldn't' wrong! You spelled it 'woudn't'!"

"Shut up," said the author.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Ublaz.

So everybeast turned to face Linwe, who still held gorgeous Ublaz hostage.

"Why are you callin' _him_ gorgeous?!" demanded Slagar, who appeared out of nowhere. "That reviewer of yours said _I_ was the best-looking!"

"That reviewer can't tell pudding from-"

"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Martin.

"Oh, whoops," said the author. "Eh, I didn't mean that!"

Suddenly Columbine came in.

Just then, Columbine came in.

"Why did you just repeat yourself?" asked Matthias's son. "You don't put the extra 's' on Matth-!"

"COLUMBINE!" roared Gonff, running over to his wife, AFTER she beat up all the other females in the room.

"Hey!" objected all the other females in the room.

Gonff held his pretty wife in his arms, crooning softly to her.

"Awwww," said some of the other beasts, while the others went, "Bleah!"

* * *

Gonflet came in. 

"Even though the author doesn't know what to do with me," the mousebabe said, speaking in a clear adult voice because the author was too lazy to attempt stereotypical baby-talk, "he still wanted to please Yemi Hikari, so I'm here. Blah."

* * *

Just then Tess came in and she walked up to her husband (Matthias' son). 

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" she roared. "WHY IS IT THAT WHENEVER PEOPLE DO A FIC ABOUT YOU, THEY ALWAYS EXCLUDE ME?!"

"Not always," objected the author.

"SHUT UP!" roared Tess.

_"Why is everyone ignoring meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!" _whined Linwe, tightening her grip on Ublaz.

Everyone-

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" sobbed Mariel.

Fine. Every_beast_ continued to ignore her.

"Who?" said Martin.

"Linwe."

"Oh."

"Y'know," piped up Rose. "I always did agree that Badrang was really really hot in the TV series."

Everybeast stared at her (except Tess, who was glaring and huffing and puffing at her husband).

_"What?!"_ demanded Rose.

"But . . . what about Martin?" asked Cornflower.

"Oh, Martin is my life, my soul . . . but I can _still_ think that Badrang is better-looking; I'm not dead, you know."

"Actually, you _are_ dead. In fact, we all are."

Rose blinked. "Oh yeah, right."

"Say," said the author. "You know how marriage vows are 'Till death do us part'? Since all you guys are dead, your marriage vows are no longer in exsistence."

Silence.

"Does that mean . . ." Matthias whispered. "That I'm . . . _single_ again?"

"Yeah, guess so."

"WAHOO!" screamed Martin. "New romance!" And with that, he grabbed Columbine and ran off with her.

Gonff sputtered. _"What-but-buh,_ OH YEAH?! Well, _two_ can play at that game!" He picked up Rose and was about to run off with _her_, but she bashed him upside the head and grabbed Badrang and ran off with _him._

"C'mon, hunk, you're _mine!"_ she said with a deranged grin on her face.

_

* * *

_

"Um, Martin?" asked Columbine as Martin ran through the winding corridors of the mansion. "Where are we going?"

"I don't know," replied Martin, still running. "You never see where people go whenever they run off together!"

"Well, you will now," said the author, grinning. "Go through that door on your left, please."

Martin obeyed (wow, for once they didn't question me), and entered into a room with nothing in it, and closed the door behind him.

"Um," said Martin after he set Columbine down. "Mr. Author? What do we do now?"

"Juggle."

And with that, a bright purple ball came out of the ceiling and landed in Martin's paw.

"Hey! I like juggling!" giggled Martin as he tossed the ball to Columbine.

"Me too!" giggled Columbine as she tossed it back.

* * *

_"How dare she steal my boyfriend?!"_ Rose growled as she watched them on the security cameras. In a fit of anger, she tightened her grip on Badrang's neck. The poor stoat's eyes looked as though they were about to pop out. 

"Badrang!" Rose shouted dramatically. "It's time to juggle!"

And with that, the mousemaid brought out a couple of balls and threw them at the stoat, who wasn't paying attention as he massaged his neck.

"Heeeey!" whined Badrang. "Why are you throwing all those balls at me?!"

Rose scowled. "It's called _juggling_, have you never juggled before?!"

"No," said Badrang in a matter of fact tone.

"Shut up."

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the other room: 

"Well!" said Matthias' son to Tess. "That means I'm not married to you anymore, so I don't have to put up with any of your-"

"YOU KISSED TRISS BEFORE YOU REALIZED WE WEREN'T MARRIED ANYMORE!"

"O-O," said everyone.

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" sobbed Mariel. "Oh boo hoo hoo!"

Whatever. So Matthias' son kissed Triss _before_ he realized that he and Tess weren't married anymore.

"But I wasn't even thinking about it when it happened!" cried Matthias' son.

"Wait, wait," said Cluny. "When did this happen?"

"When I made my predictions a few chapters back, remember?" said Nightshade.

"Oh right," said Cluny.

"STOP IGNORING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Linwe Seregon, shaking Ublaz by the neck.

Just then Atunra came in-

"Who?" asked Swartt.

"Atunra," said the author. "You know, that female pine marten from 'High Rhulain'?"

"Oh that's right."

So anyway, Atunra came in and got into a catfight with Linwe over Ublaz.

_"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_ screamed the female pine marten (we rarely ever get female pine martens, do we, in canon?) as she tackled the Sue to the ground, pinning Ublaz beneath them.

_"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!"_ screeched Linwe, using her incredible Sue-skills to retaliate.

_"Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_ said Ublaz; Linwe somehow was able to keep her beautiful dainty paw over his mouth.

Soon both females were rolling around on the ground with Ublaz sandwiched between them. Martin, Columbine, Rose, and Badrang all came back to see what all the comotion was about, and Gonff came back to consciousness to scream "CAT FIGHT!"

Gonflet gave his dad a look.

Columbine shook her head. "I wonder why fanfiction authors do that. They always make Gonff flirtatious and have him like cat fights more than anything. It just doesn't make sense to me. Like in _Mossflower_ he blew off those three haremaids that were flirting with him because he was engaged to me, right?"

"You were engaged?" Martin asked, eyes widening. "I thought you guys were just dating!"

"O-o" said everybeast.

"How can we all say that?!" demanded everybeast.

"Whatever," said the author.

"Woooooooooooooow," said Dann dreamily, staring at the scene with Linwe, Ublaz, and Atunra (Song eyed him nastily). "What a lucky guy! I wish something like that would happen to me!"

"Dooooon't worrrrrrry," drawled the author in a really scary voice. "That'll happen maybe some day."

Dann didn't know whether to gulp nervously or to go, _"Wahoo!"_

After a few hours of watching the two furious females wrestle on the ground with poor Ublaz in the middle (Ublaz in the Middle, Malcom in the Middle, ha ha? No, that's stupid), things were starting to get boring.

"This is starting to get boring," said Predak.

"Yeah," agreed Gelltor, glancing at the torture chair that he had built.

So without further ado, all the animals in the room (even Mariel, who left off sobbing for Dandin for the moment) got up-

"Weren't we already standing up?!" demanded Swartt.

The author scowled. "Shut up."

"Hmph!" said Swartt.

Anyway, the beasts managed to grab Linwe and wrestle her down and chain her to Gelltor's torture chair.

It wasn't easy, though.

_First,_ they had to stop her from stabbing Atunra with her dagger.

_Then_ they had to get Atunra off of Linwe.

_Then_ they had to get Linwe off of Ublaz, and _that_ wasn't easy.

"Grmp! Grrr! Augh!" snarled Linwe as she fought off everybeast with her superior fighting skills.

"Ah great, so what do we do now?"! said Martin. "Hey! Mr. Author, you have a typo at the end of my sentence!"

"Shut up."

"Hmph!"

But anyway, it was Cluny who overpowered Linwe in the end.

"How?!" demanded all the other females in the room.

The stench from his armpits made her pass out.

Indeed it had.

"Oh," said everyone.

"That's every_beast,"_ stupid!" sobbed Mariel. "Hey, you got another typo-"

"WHATEVER!"

Anyway, Linwe began to come around again, so they quickly chained her to Gelltor's torture chair before it was too late.

"Grrah! Grr!" snarled Linwe as she strained against her bonds. When that didn't work, she started crying, "Dann! Dann! Darling, save me! Save me! Save-" then Song stuffed her mouth with a lot of chocolate cake.

Linwe was, of course, furious that she was not only chained down, but also that her beautiful perfect face was smeared with chocolate frosting, hardly the thing a girl wanted to attract a man!

Gelltor stood by the switch and pulled it all the way up to the skull.

For a moment nothing happened.

For a second moment, nothing happened.

For a third moment, nothing happened.

For a _fourth_ moment, nothing happened.

For a _fifth_-

"WHEN'S IT GONNA _START?!"_ SHRIEKED SONg sorry stupid caps got outta control (I think we saw enough of her "angry-caps" mode in _Linwe Seregon Swifteye_).

Finally, a low rumbling noise started.

Then these little robotic arms came down on either side of Linwe's face and forced her to face forwards, and these other arms came down and kept her eyes open with their fingers so she couldn't shut them.

Then a large-sized screen came down and rested before her face.

For a moment (and it was just a moment, I promise) the screen was blank.

Then it started to play. . . .

* * *

**_!!!!THE TELLETUBBIES!!!!_**

**_

* * *

_**

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_ screamed all the other beasts in the beasts in the room.

Linwe screamed too, much more louder than the others, but it was not loud enough to drown out the terrible, horrible, disgusting, abominable Telletubbie music.

For out of the two deaths that Linwe and The Ego (if you've read _Linwe Seregon Swifteye_ you'd know what I'm talking about) chose for her. . . .

. . . . one of them was watching the Telletubbies.

"DUCK IN COVER!" shouted Slagar as he dove behind a door. Everyone else followed suit.

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" shouted a sobbing Mariel as she plugged her ears (you'd think she'd forget about something like that in a time like this, but _nooooooooo_) and dove behind another door.

Linwe tried to break away from her bonds, she tried to close her eyes, she tried to turn away, but she couldn't do any of those things, and the Telletubbies were so loud and disgusting and annoying and- and-

* * *

**_KA-BBBLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

* * *

Princess Linwe Seregon M.A.R.Y.S.U.E.M.A.R.Y.S.U.E. Swifteye the Warrioress had exploded, spraying everyone and everything with pink goop. 

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said everyone.

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" sobbed Mariel. "Oh boo hoo hoo!"

Just then Asmodeus came slithering in and ate up what was left of Linwe's not-so-perfect-any-more dead body.

"Hey As!" said Matthias cheerfully. "How's the new fic coming along?"

The adder glared at him. "Terrible. Mind your own busssinesssssssssssss."

Then he slithered off, leaving the torture chair clean of any pink sue goop.

* * *

"This calls for a celebration!" shouted Gonff, and he ripped out the controller thingy pointed it at Romsca. 

"Augh!" screamed everyone-

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" snapped Mariel. "Oh boo hoo!"

Suddenly Romsca was on a stage, and behind her was a screen that began to play little clips of something.

Guitar music started play, causing everyone-

"Every_beast _boo hoo!"

Fine. Causing every_beast_ to look around the room, but nobeast could tell where the music was coming from.

Romsca started to sing (in a surprisingly good voice):

_"There were places we would go . . . at midnight. . . ."_

Here the screen behind Romsca showed Veil and Romsca going on a walk at midnight.

Bluefen straightened up and gave her blushing son a look.

Romsca continued on with her song.

_"I'm not dreamin' but_

_I don't know why._

_I don't know why. _

_I don't know why._

_I thought they all belonged to meeeeeeeee. . . ._

The room went dark for a moment.

Then a spotlight went on Romsca, and she looked up sharply, and said (or sang): _"Who's that girl?!"_

And on the screen a picture of Kurda came on.

_"Where's she from?_

_No she can't be the one,_

_That you want, _

_That has stolen my world."_

On the screen it showed Romsca staring at Veil and Kurda, wrapped in eachother's arms.

_"It's not real,_

_It's not right!"_

The screen showed Romsca shaking her head in denial and then running off.

_"It's my life! _

_By the way, _

_Who's that girl . . .?"_

The screen showed Romsca running across the beach, splashing in the waves.

_"Livin' my life. . . ._

_Livin' my liiiiiiiiiife. . . ."_

"That is a direct rip from that one Flight 29 Down music video," commented Tess.

"Fine," snapped the Author. "I don't own Flight 29 Down or the originality of this music video."

_"Seems like everythings the same . . . _

_Around me. . . ._

_But I look again and everything has changed. . . ."_

The screen showed Romsca glaring at Veil and Kurda toasting eachother.

_"I'm not dreamin' but_

_I don't know why,_

_I don't know why,_

_I don't know why . . . _

_She's everywhere I wanna be!_

_WHO'S THAT GIRL?!_

_WHERE'S SHE FROM?!_

_NO SHE CAAAN'T BE THE ONE,_

_THAT YOU WANT, _

_THAT HAS STOOOLEN MY WORLD!_

_IT'S NOT REAL!_

_IT'S NOT RIGHT!_

_IT'S MY LIFE!_

_BY THE WAY. . . ._

_Who's that girl . . .?_

_Livin' my life. . . .?_

_I'm the one,_

_That made you laugh. . . ."_

The screen showed Veil and Romsca hugging and laughing, leaning eachother's heads together.

Everybeast (there I remembered without anyone- I mean, any_beast_ shouting at me!) in the audience stared at Veil and Kurda, both of whom blushed.

When the song was finally over, Romsca marched over to Veil and said, _"Weeeell?!"_

Veil blinked. "Wuh-well what?"

_"Who's that girl?!"_ Romsca shouted, pointing at Kurda, who writhed with embarrassment.

"She's . . . Kurda," Veil answered, not sure what to say.

"COOL!" shouted Gonff. "A love triangle!"

"Veil!" cried Bluefen. "First an older woman, and now THAT?!" she added, pointing at Kurda.

"Hey!" objected Kurda.

"Veil," Bryony said in a soft voice, placing her paw against his cheek. "Is this the life you _really _want to live? As a player?"

"Hey, he's _my_ son!" objected Bluefen, pushing Bryony out of the way. "I'll be the one to talk to him!"

_"I_ was the one who raised him," retorted Bryony. "And put up with all his rebelliousness, and trekked through woods, jumped over waterfalls, climbed up mountains to protect!"

"Well!" said Bluefen. "I _would _have loved to have given him all the tender love and affection that he needed, oh, except for the fact that_ I was dead."_

"Oh, yeah, right. Like that's--"

"Oh shut up."

"No you shut up."

"No you shut up."

"No you shut up."

"No you shut up."

"CAT FIGHT!" roared Gonff, waving his pom poms.

Columbine slapped him.

"OW!"

Columbine wagged a paw at him. "You're setting a bad example for our son!"

Gonflet was sitting quietly nearby because the author, sadly, was completely uninspired with what to do with the littel tyke.

"Hey," said Slagar. "Even though we killed off Linwe, we still haven't found out what she did with the guys she already kidnapped."

That little comment made Mariel start crying and the mousemaid raced over to a door that just appeared out of nowhere. She ripped it open, and! 

Silence.

"Um, Mr. Author?" said Matthias.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."

"He fell asleep _again?"_ said Bluefen.

"HUH?! Wha--oh I," the author yawned.

Everybeast scowled.

Mariel ripped open the door and . . . .

Silence.

"If he fell asleep one more time," growled Rose.

"Oh, no," said the author. "I'm just teasing."

Everybeast sighed.

Mariel ripped open the door and . . . .

"DON'T YOU START TRAILIN' OFF!!!" Rose roared.

"Yes, marm," said the author.

Mariel ripped open the door annnnnnnnnnnnd–

(The animals cringed)

--Dandin, all tied up and gagged, fell into her arms.

"DANDIN!" Mariel screamed happily, just like a little girl who found her favorite stuffed animal. She began hugging him tightly, thus cutting off all his access for breathing.

While Rose and Bryony tried to comfort Mariel off of Dandin, everybody else--

"Mats evry _beets,_ moopid!" said Dandin through his gag.

"Mats evry beets?" said the author. "Well, okay. . . ."

"MMMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGFFFFFFF!!!"said Dadin.

Everybeast looked past the door that Dandin had fallen out of to see all of the guys who had been captured. So, without further ado, they were all untied, ungagged, reunited with their loved ones, and they realized that it was morning--

"Oh please!" said Ferahgo. "It's got to have been at least _a hundred mornings _since we came to this dump!"

"And for what, huh?!" said a very agitated Klitch. "Where's the treasure that Veil was supposed to find?"

"Yeah, _Veil,"_ said Deyna. "Where's the freakin' treasure?!"

Soon everybeast was beginning to gang up on the poor ferret.

"Um, Mr. Author?" said Veil nervously.

"Sorry, man, you're on your own."

Veil could only back away from all the weasels, marlfoxes, ferrets, mice, squirrels, otters, and other angry fauna that were all very mad at him for not finding the treasure. Just as his back hit the front door, his elbow hit a switch that made a whole bunch of greenbacks come crashing down on him.

For awhile everybeast just stared at the huge mound of cash that had supposedly crushed the poor young ferret. Then they began to cheer and dive into the money mountain.

* * *

Well, that's all for now, folks. 

Now, what you have witnessed in this story is more than 60 pages of sarcasm, dark humor, violence, and cat fights galore. You have also witnessed certain characters either getting along with each other, or getting into brawls with them. If you have been inspired by this story, then please, by all means, write it down.

So long, suckers!

"WAIT!" screamed Gonff.

"Now what?" sighed the author, who _really _wanted this stupid story to end.

"Ublaz never had to sing a stupid song like we did!"

The author realized that the mousethief was right!

"Point it at Ublaz," said the author, meaning the remote.

Gonff held out the remote, which he surprisingly held onto this whole time.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" screamed Ublaz, throwing his well-muscled arms over his extremely handsome face.

Suddenly the pine marten was on a stage with a microphone in his hand. Colored lights flashed everywhere. Some Mexican- (or Spanish or Latino or however it is) sounding music sounded nearby.

Ublaz begin to dance a small jig before starting his song.

_"Feliz Navidad,_

_Feliz Navidad,_

_Feliz Navidad,_

_Prospero Ano y felicidad._

_Feliz Navidad,_

_Feliz Navidad,_

_Feliz Navidad,_

_Prospero Ano y felicidad._

_I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas._

_I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas._

_I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, _

_from the bottom, _

_of my heeeeaaaarrrrtttt."_

They all found out Ublaz had a rather good singing voice, and they all begin to dance to the song, waving their cash around.

Song jumped up on stage with Ublaz and began to sing with him. The Marlvixens stood behind them and danced. Dann eyed Ublaz jealously, but was bonked on the head by a loose greenback.

(Veil had been dug out of the greenback mountain, in case you're wondering)

And so they were all happy because after all that trouble, they got a whole load of cash.

Then the doors to the mansion opened up, and golden sunshine came forth, and a white limo appeared out in front.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!" cheered everybeast as they all crowded into the limo carrying all their cash.

And so, while the limo drived by itself (yes, the limo was driving by itself it's a random humor fic I can do as I please - well, sort of), all of its passengers danced, sang, and partied, waving around their cash.

One of those little shiny globe balls was hanging from the roof and casting several lights all over them, and their was music and drinks passed all around.

Several beasts were suddenly in a hot tub-

"How can there be a hot tub in a limo?" asked Sunflash, giving his long blonde hair a toss.

"Shut up," said the author.

Several kisses were exchanged (in the case of Mariel, Song, and the two Dans', some punches were also exchanged).

Gelltor had Mokkan tied up and was happily torturing him.

And so they were all happy.

Suddenly somebeast shouted, **_"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"_**

Everyone-

"That's every_beast_, stu-"

**_BAM!_**

A lightening bolt hit Dandin, making him go all black and frizzled.

So every_**one**_ (stupid Dandin) turned to Vannan, who had shouted.

"Where's Ascrod?" the vixen asked.

Everyone looked around, and realized, _he wasn't there!_

_

* * *

_

Back at the mansion. . . .

. . . upstairs. . . .

. . . a door burst open. . . .

. . . and a pink mummy covered in pink bows hopped out of a bedroom.

Ascrod was still wrapped up in those pink strips that Gelltor had put him in, with his eyes, nose, ears, and tail sticking out, but everything else was strapped in tight.

"Mmrf! Mrf mrf!" the poor Marlfox grunted, trying to break free, without any luck.

"Mmrrrf! Mrf mrf!" said Ascrod.

_(Translation: "I will have my revenge, Gelltor!")_

**THE END**

* * *

Author: Well! Wha'd ya think? 

All: . . . .

Author: C'mon. Be honest.

All: . . . .

Author: Veil. How'd you like it.

Veil: I think. . . .

Matti: I think it _STUNK!_ . . . . . . HEY WAIT A MINUTE! Mr. Author, you said you _weren't_ going to mention me in this chapter and you _did! _Ha ha!

(Suddenly a bolt of lightening hits the young mouse, making him all black and frizzled.)

Author: Well, Veil?

Veil: I think. . . .

Author: Yeeeeeeeeeees?

Veil: I think I better keep my mouth shut!

* * *

**A/N:** . . . . 

. . . . IIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTSSSSSS _O-VVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

WAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

(breaks down hysterically crying)

Ahem.

Well, it was fun while it lasted. I really enjoyed writing this, and I hope you all enjoyed this as well. And I hope that this last chapter wasn't TOO big a disappointment.

Well, see y'all around! Bye bye!

Kelaiah


End file.
